My Carer is from Liverpool.

He tells me some funny stories.

His mate’s wife – he said how thick she was. She bought her 2 daughters a Monopoly set each, for Christmas.

So they could both play at the same time…..

But I only just realised this chair had come with this bit of cloth on the back of it….

It looks just like the one I used to wear in kayak races..?!

And I’ve now got a rear view mirror?

The flight here was packed with families- mostly with young children. I was eventually put next to a mum and little girl.

I couldn’t help myself but to get involved in the word game they were playing on an ipad.

I miss having a family, and times like that bring it home to me quite painfully.

Another two little boys were fascinated by the ring I spin to exercise my arm, which distracts me from my spasms as well as burning calories, so it’s a win win. Little kids don’t actually ask you any questions- they just watch you,with absolutey no embarrassment,for ages, then suddenly stop looking at you and look at something else, as though they were never that interested in the first place. It’s sort of quite hurtful, but lovely at the same time. Adults would never do that, and never ‘get away with it ‘ in the same way that children do.

I have to thank Cressida very much for putting up with me ( and putting me up ) at a difficult time and with little notice, and for helping me with my hygiene and dressing. As a qualified and practicing nurse, I couldn’t really be in better hands, could I? It doesn’t lessen the guilt i feel very much for being a sudden and unexpected burden, but I know that she wouldn’t ever class me as that ( although I am ). Thank you Cress – I love you lots. Xx

Being a classic ‘Alpha Male type’ personality,  I have the tendency to think that I’m right about things. That’s what we do, us lot that are programmed like that. Most of my male relatives are the same ( though not all of them ). I used to think it was an advantage  being an Alpha type, but now I realise that unless you’re fighting a bear or something it’s not very useful at all.

It’s only taken me the 51 years to work this out….

I think I have learned the power of ‘ trigger words ‘ – words, or just a single word, that lead to a fairly extreme psychological reaction in a person. When one/  they are said  then all sorts of what seems like an over the top response is definitely possible.

The thing about triggers is that if you don’t know what a person is sensitive to, then you dont know what to avoid saying, or doing if the trigger is an action.

Ive learned that I have triggers, that make me feel panicked, basically. One is definitely not knowing how I’m going to manage when I get to a place – can I get in, is someone going to be able to ( willingly ) assist me, can I possibly get into a bed etc etc. Thé not knowing factor sends my head into a spin, because i know that I CANNOT do a lot of things myself. When a plan is suddenly changed so that I can’t predict clearly what might happen to me, it sends my brain haywire and I behave irrationally because I’m panicking. I might not look like I am – im not in tears, or shaking or anything like that. I think I just get stubborn and argumentative, but to anyone else it just probably looks like I’m just an  unreasonable bastard.

The other trigger is anything to do with my catheter, which when not working properly makes me spasm so much, which drives me to distraction, and it’s so bad that it makes me feel suicidal. In fact, now I think its the only thing that does make me feel that way, which is a big ‘ improvement ‘ from how my mind used to process things.

As i ended up in an ambulance on Wednesday after my catheter got blocked and I removed it, only then to completely fail to get a replacement in, my mind went into free fall for a while, though I bounced back really quickly afterwards, again a big improvement on a while back.

I can’t say that I reacted well to my triggers, but only myself and a few close friends would even be able to read the situation and recognise what is happening to me, mentally.

You’re never too old to learn, it seems, as I’ve learned a lot these last few days about my own triggers and the fact that other people have them too.

I just didn’t know, and sadly you can’t turn back the clock.

Ive no interest in getting another clock, I just want to fix the one i broke by mistake.

My journey alone to Portugal is, as usual, unpleasant, being alone and entirely dependent on strangers to help is such a mind f***. I guess all of us on the plane are alone if this thing goes down, so I’m not any worse off than the rest, assuming that the plane doesn’t crash land and everybody is alive, then everyone jumps out except me, whereupon the plane catches fire and I alone die a slow death.

But I don’t imagine that’s what’s going to be my fate tonight.

As I checked in with special Assistance thé girl assignéd to me said ‘ are you from the Olympics or something ?’
I replied ‘ no, are you ?’
She said, completely calmly ‘ well I used to do some athletics at school ‘.
I reasoned that that probably wasn’t that long ago, as at the most she was 19. She didn’t look all that athletic, to be fair, but what do I know ?
That was the end of the conversation, as I seemed to have bored her very quickly.

Maybe she asks every bloke in a wheelchair the same question ? Dammit, I should have made something up, like ‘ yes, I got Gold in the wheelchair springboard diving in Moscow’

To be honest, I reckon she’d probably have swallowed that one.

Thanks to Cress for the bed and room, and the help and kindness.

I did arrange a carer, but she didn’t turn up. Amazing, that whole industry?!

Thank you to Chérie for the company and thé chat. I got caught in a massive thunderstorm in my Triride with no coat. I did take shelter in a pub though, and was saved from the worst of it.

Having had  pretty awful experience in Britain, I’ve booked yet another flight and am leaving early ( tomorrow ) so that I can escape to the relative peace of Portugal.

Living there suddenly appears to be my preferred option, which I hadn’t anticipated.  I definitely am leaving here with less than I came with, but at least I have maintained my spirit and haven’t plumbed the depths of despair that a while ago I would have.

I’ve also learned not to talk about girlfriends on my blog, and especially not about falling in love. I now look a bit of a complete twat for getting so carried away with the love and happiness thing that I thought I had.

Next time I mention a lady by name it’ll have to be after the alter, i think, and only then.

Russ

My stay in Britain has been fairly disastrous really. I’m now single again, I have had to call on the charity of friends, my arranged carer didn’t turn up, my spirit has taken a battering, and I can’t wait to go home on Tuesday.

Ive realised that I don’t consider london as my home anymore, and I feel a stranger here.

The NHS is a bit of a chaotic disaster too.

I’m looking forward to going out to portugal again and leaving it all behind.

Yet another false start.

I’m in a wheelchair taxi from Oxford to London, feeling totally bereft.

The positive is  that I did find happiness and I therefore know it’s possible. I’ll miss Ashley and what she gave me, very much. I did think it was the Real Thing, as all my mates will testify. She is a great lady.

She was The One, i thought.

My trip to England having been completely f’d up, I now pick up the pieces again and get back to Portugal. My flight is on Tuesday from Bristol, which isn’t exactly convenient now, as it’s a bit of a trip.

Any volunteers to drive my wheelchair car there, with me in the back???

I think ill be in portugal until mid july and can’t see a reason now for coming back again before, though that may alter i guess.

My 5th year anniversary of my injury is June 14th, and I write that with a shudder of dark thoughts. I do have to stay positive, but feel myself slipping now.

This time yesterday I was as happy as I could be.

What a difference a day makes.

I came back to Britain, for a skin cancer appointment that then got cancelled.

Ashley and I met up with my parents and then went to see a band in central London. It was held in a Gay Club in town, my first ever foray into such a place, actually.

As the band started early, it wasn’t really operating as a Gay Club, until long after the band finished, and our tickets only allowed us to watch the band ( Pale Waves ) rather than to hang on for Porn Idol, a Male only striptease competition. As the band weren’t much cop ( 4/10 ) thé strip would’ve been a lot better probably, but it wasn’t to be.

Tonight was supposed to be Marti Pellow, but instead my girlfriend and i failed to see eye to eye on something and have now split up. Isn’t life full of surprises, he wrote with sadness. It had all seemed so near perfect, too.

There is no point in crying over spilt milk, he said mewing loudly, but hey.

God, I really don’t want to go back on line. I thought that was all behind me 🙁