Fascinating stuff on the blog again. Sorry to hear about the disappointments that have come your way this month. Not many people would put themselves out there like you do, and be vulnerable – kudos. And, of course, your sage advice to men will never, ever, be properly engrained in us; no matter how hard we try. But try we must!
Given my questions above, your experience at the airport highlights for me that as hard as we try as architects we can always be let down by ‘ourselves/ humans’ which is most unfortunate.

Finally, many thanks for the shout-out to us gingers on May 19. Recognition is long overdue!

Funnily enough I was on the end of some ginger humour this afternoon at work. But as I’m heading to Beijing next week where we gingers are held in high regard due to our unique colouring [I hope that’s still the case anyway] I was able to let things slide!!

N

I have to thank Charlie P for suggesting I read that  book. I’d never in a million years thought that Charlie would be able to offer advice on the female sex, but there you go, I was wrong.

The most amazing thing is that it’s all really simple ( or at least the bits I’ve tried are, in the last few days )

The No 1 thing seems to be that females just want you to listen to them talking ( or at least looking as though you are ). And then ( and get this, fellas ) you don’t have to actually DO anything. You just have to listen and nod, maybe say yes, no, gosh, really and poor you… You don’t actually have to come up with any solutions or advice at all?! That’s actually the last thing they want you to do.

Its a male instinct to just think ‘ she’s asking me for a solution, so I’ll tell her what to do, by being helpful ‘ but actually that’s REALLY NOTwhat she wants- she just wants to tell you how hard her life is, and for you to sympathise.

How bonkers is that? Men will never understand the logic for sure, but that’s not the point. You haven’t got to be logical – you just have to listen.

Crazy but true.

And it works! I’ve been trying it, and all you get is smiles??! Seriously you couldn’t make it up.

Simples!

Russ my take on handling women

1. Dont try to win every battle just the war
2. Otherwise they think you are a twat and will bring there little incidents up ,as they remember all the detail, long after we have forgotten
3. Win the war when what you were thinking in 1 above comes true
4. women think they work harder ,have more to do – men stroll through life – no point in arguing just let them think that.
when we have to step in calmly and sort things out as men they know deep down they are wrong. all in all its best to bite ones lip knowing thex are talking bollocks but having the comfort inside of knowing you are right otherwise its endless confrontation and women find it hard to let things be in the part, unlike us.

The World According To Mickey Smith

Mood written in – reflective and calm .

I’ve been thinking about the words and phrases and things that I react adversely to.

Here they are – written with a smile btw.

1. ‘ Don’t hide behind your disability !’ ( from an able bodied person )

My reaction ? Is that it’s a cruel and condescending thing to say, and I’d do anything not to be disabled and not to have to ‘ use it’ at all.

2. ‘ It’s not a competition Russ!’ ( again said in reference to ‘ who is disadvantaged more ‘ – and from an able bodied person )

My impulse is to think  ‘ life is always a competition- like it or not – and if this is about who is worse off, out of you being normal and me being paralysed, then it’s probably me, you insensitive and condescending t*** ‘

3. ‘ Cheer up, there’s always someone worse off than you!’ ( from an able bodied person )

My reaction – well it’s not bloody you, is it, so shut the f*** up ‘

4. ‘ You’re lucky really… etc etc ‘ ( from a normal, able bodied person)

My reaction? ‘ Lucky?! How dare you say that. You’ve no fing idea how my life is ‘

5. Being shouted at

Wow, that one really gets me and best not done  That one goes back to childhood stuff, stuff which affects all of us, apparently, for better or for worse, though of course we only seem to ‘ dwell on’ the’ worse’ bit.

6. The ‘ Hi Russ, all good?’

Mmmm well that’s a fairly daft question, in the circumstances, isn’t it… but I am becoming ok with it, knowing it’s asked innocently. I’d still rather not be asked it though

7. The ‘ Ive been on my feet all day!’

Hmmmm poor you, I think, maybe rejoice in the fact that you can?

There are others, but I’ll add those later.

And-

Mood written in – happy

I realise that these reactions are all my own problems, and I can’t expect everyone to know, as I don’t know their sensitivities  either. Knowledge is power though…

Ive also just read that book- Men are from Mars, and Women are Completely Bonkers ( though the title looks different when you buy it )

My God, it’s an interesting read, and dare I say it definitely a book that everyone who is heterosexual should read, and probably all the rest too, assuming you have any contact at all with the opposite sex.

I’ve learned a lot! And it’s not that complicated either, surprisingly?! Far less complicated than life is not knowing the secret code to access the female brain. I think I may need to read it again, and regularly, to refresh my mind, so I may continue to navigate the highly dangerous waters of any inter-sex  contact.

Or I may move to Mars.

I bought 2 pairs of black leg sleeves/ warmers that keep my legs warmer so that they don’t spasm as much. I already had 1 pair, so that makes 3 pairs.

I have one pair of smaller ones for my arms.

I asked my Carer friend to put one of the new pairs on me today, and he did it with me lying on my front, so I didn’t actually see him doing it.

Later on I tried to pull them up a bit to cover more of my legs. They seemed to be very tight. I thought okayyyyyy well they would be tight, given they are the arm sleeves I’m wearing on my legs….

We do joke about the fact that if he had a brain he’d be dangerous… and I’m not kidding.

Bless him. X 😂

My Carer is from Liverpool.

He tells me some funny stories.

His mate’s wife – he said how thick she was. She bought her 2 daughters a Monopoly set each, for Christmas.

So they could both play at the same time…..

But I only just realised this chair had come with this bit of cloth on the back of it….

It looks just like the one I used to wear in kayak races..?!

And I’ve now got a rear view mirror?

The flight here was packed with families- mostly with young children. I was eventually put next to a mum and little girl.

I couldn’t help myself but to get involved in the word game they were playing on an ipad.

I miss having a family, and times like that bring it home to me quite painfully.

Another two little boys were fascinated by the ring I spin to exercise my arm, which distracts me from my spasms as well as burning calories, so it’s a win win. Little kids don’t actually ask you any questions- they just watch you,with absolutey no embarrassment,for ages, then suddenly stop looking at you and look at something else, as though they were never that interested in the first place. It’s sort of quite hurtful, but lovely at the same time. Adults would never do that, and never ‘get away with it ‘ in the same way that children do.

I have to thank Cressida very much for putting up with me ( and putting me up ) at a difficult time and with little notice, and for helping me with my hygiene and dressing. As a qualified and practicing nurse, I couldn’t really be in better hands, could I? It doesn’t lessen the guilt i feel very much for being a sudden and unexpected burden, but I know that she wouldn’t ever class me as that ( although I am ). Thank you Cress – I love you lots. Xx

Being a classic ‘Alpha Male type’ personality,  I have the tendency to think that I’m right about things. That’s what we do, us lot that are programmed like that. Most of my male relatives are the same ( though not all of them ). I used to think it was an advantage  being an Alpha type, but now I realise that unless you’re fighting a bear or something it’s not very useful at all.

It’s only taken me the 51 years to work this out….

I think I have learned the power of ‘ trigger words ‘ – words, or just a single word, that lead to a fairly extreme psychological reaction in a person. When one/  they are said  then all sorts of what seems like an over the top response is definitely possible.

The thing about triggers is that if you don’t know what a person is sensitive to, then you dont know what to avoid saying, or doing if the trigger is an action.

Ive learned that I have triggers, that make me feel panicked, basically. One is definitely not knowing how I’m going to manage when I get to a place – can I get in, is someone going to be able to ( willingly ) assist me, can I possibly get into a bed etc etc. Thé not knowing factor sends my head into a spin, because i know that I CANNOT do a lot of things myself. When a plan is suddenly changed so that I can’t predict clearly what might happen to me, it sends my brain haywire and I behave irrationally because I’m panicking. I might not look like I am – im not in tears, or shaking or anything like that. I think I just get stubborn and argumentative, but to anyone else it just probably looks like I’m just an  unreasonable bastard.

The other trigger is anything to do with my catheter, which when not working properly makes me spasm so much, which drives me to distraction, and it’s so bad that it makes me feel suicidal. In fact, now I think its the only thing that does make me feel that way, which is a big ‘ improvement ‘ from how my mind used to process things.

As i ended up in an ambulance on Wednesday after my catheter got blocked and I removed it, only then to completely fail to get a replacement in, my mind went into free fall for a while, though I bounced back really quickly afterwards, again a big improvement on a while back.

I can’t say that I reacted well to my triggers, but only myself and a few close friends would even be able to read the situation and recognise what is happening to me, mentally.

You’re never too old to learn, it seems, as I’ve learned a lot these last few days about my own triggers and the fact that other people have them too.

I just didn’t know, and sadly you can’t turn back the clock.

Ive no interest in getting another clock, I just want to fix the one i broke by mistake.