As I’m fairly sure that I’m breaking internally again ( too many times lugging my Paralysed bits around beds/ chairs etc ) so my spasms have returned with a vengeance, and so my thoughts turn to hopelessness and resignation,  with suicide becoming extremely tempting again. It was so easy to do last time that it holds no fear for me at all.

Ive been x rayed to see if I am actually coming apart as I suspect, and I’ll know tomorrow I think. I did go on and on about them treating my body gently post surgery for a while, but my voice was ignored and I went with their insistence to move —everything involving lateral shearing forces- that now all of a sudden they are telling me not to do, in case it causes breakage……. So why did they insist I do it in the first place then?

I don’t  write about my 2 daughters often do I, having opted to ‘ keep some things out of my diary ‘ but let’s face it I talk about everything else that’s personal without hesitation. I think about my daughters so often and it’s truly heartbreaking that I don’t see them, or even hear from them. I often send them messages but they are ignored. I wonder what it is that they think about me, what’s so bad about me that they cannot find enough heart to get in touch. They live 20 minutes from me, which is cruelly close, yet may as well be on another planet in terms of frequency of contact. People I know have written to them, but all is ignored. What/ who do they listen to i wonder, that keeps them topped up with such contempt for me?

I’ve seen a clinical psychologist whilst here in hospital, and I’m an open and honest book   I confess to my many sins for sure, some of them clearly humorous to the doctor ( well I imagine they get told all sorts of evil things that make mine seem ok )

As my spasms persist I think of the easy exit route increasingly, and realise I’ve been actually hovering here for some time. I do have strategies for moving my mind on, but when you’re down it becomes very tempting to let the thoughts flourish and take you down the Path of No Return

No one would notice on Halloween- I could just bleed slowly to death in the street and people might look on in admiration, marvelling at the copious amount of fake red stuff pouring from me.

Happy Haloween from me then.

X

So after a month of doing transfers from wheelchair to bed and vice versa, acting on advice from the surgeon, I do feel that my new fixation isn’t straight any more. Once again my left hip bone is higher than my right, with a spine lean to my left, though less than pre operation of course  – just more bent than I was a month ago.

Ive obviously sent a record of this to my surgeon and asked him to investigate. I did repeatedly say that I didn’t think i should be transferring laterally and’ twisting the fixation ‘  . Let’s see what happens next then, after I’ve hopefully been X-rayéd and scanned…

And thank you to Debs and Neal for dropping by, and to Chris and Caroline recently

We saw a play on Saturday  night, in another hospital escape – A Kind of Alaska – ‘Cast includes Keith Allen( thats Lily Allen’s Dad) , Lee Evans ( funny comedian type ) Tamsin Greig ( actress well known) , Meera Syal ( comédienne) Tom Edden (?) and – and Penelope Wilton.’

Pinter is as random as fuck – which is made for me  Maybe I should write a play ???

‘A kind of Alaska’ was the term given to the comatosed state that the lady in the last scene had been in – a 30 year coma where she was in a ‘wilderness in her mind ‘- likened ( by her doctor) to being in Alaska.

I’ve been to Alaska and yes, it is a wilderness, but it’s really far more fun than being in a coma ( in which I also have experience  )  In a coma, nothing happens AT ALL , whereas in Alaska you hear the odd snowmobile in the distance sometimes

Tonight tho, just to mix it up,  Wendy and I saw the Black Eyed Peas in Hammersmith – yes another foray after dark then. Im not so much a rap fan, and I found the first half a bit, well… crap, but then it got far better as they played their biggest hits, and WillyIAm came on too. I can’t say any of the band in any way have anything vaguely interesting or intelligent to say, and Christ they don’t half talk a lot, but it was good – am I a fan yet? Well not really but it was 8/10 for me ( Russ I Am ) and my girlfriend – When D Bitch.

As I don’t identify any more with being white, I was also ( other than the band ) thé only black person in the venue.

Coming back on thé Tri was definitely like being in Alaska – f’ing cold…

Having had 24 hours of ‘ mental turmoil ‘, distraction yet again proved to be the best strategy, so I got myself to Shepherds Bush to see a band called Superorganism that I discovered 6 months ago and booked tickets for.

What a laugh they are! Really funny on stage and very random – and I definitely love random.

I also had my eyes tested yesterday. As an expert on that procedure, it’s of course a little odd having someone else do it to me. I’m understandably ‘ critical ‘ of how it’s being performed on me, and it’s made worse because the person testing me knows I’m ‘ watching them ‘.  What was it like ? Well… if it had been my student / staff member/employee I’d had had a few things to point out that weren’t to ‘ my standards ‘ but hey, we did get to the correct glasses prescription, and that was the main objective, as my vision has altered a little since I had to stop working.

I’m curious to see what online glasses suppliers are like, so I’m going to try one and see for myself. I wonder..

As I’ve been a bit incarcerated for a bit I’ve missed a few gigs that I’d booked ages ago – like Kylie (!) but by and large I go to most. In the last few weeks even ive seen The Coral ( 8/10 ) , Tom Walker (7/10 ) ( supported by the brilliant SODY  9/10 ) , Fickle Friends (4/10 ), Suede, and Superorganism (8/10). They’re all fairly local to the hospital so for the sake of my wellbeing I’ve gone ( and yes, the hospital knows – tho perhaps has been surprised – I don’t think it’s exactly normal for the patient to do anything other than watch the telly, not be busier than the staff, who dont seem to have anything going on in their lives other than the work they do, after which they’re ‘ exhausted ‘ invariably… tho I can’t see why.

Currently on the telly ( breakfast TV ) is Richard Ashcroft ( one time The Verve frontman ) He was a Dad at my kids’ school – a midget with omnipresent sunglasses that evidently thought VERY highly of himself. I’m not surprised to hear that on TV whilst being interviewed ( yes, wearing dark sunglasses ) he’s actually beyond UpHisOwnArse… and seems to think he’s a major force in both music and the World in general. I’d venture that might possibly  be his ‘ chemical past/ present even ‘… or of course he may just be a completely natural Tosser. I did go and see him once pre injury and he was terrible, as in the audience were chatting whilst he ‘sang ‘ – always a VERY BAD sign, that one. RA was oblivious to that of course, having total faith in his own Megastar status.

Anyway, have a look at this video ( if i can get it to load )  I took last night of Superorganism – the tiny female lead singer surfed the crowd on an inflatable pizza slice – that’s a new one on me…. for sure.

A trader made me a wire figure today. He said it was me.

I took it and held it and looked at it, and found myself bending the standing wire man into a different shape that represented me. 

Now there is a strategy for spasm reduction- Botox injections to my hamstrings to reduce the tension in them that stops me in many ways currently.  The Botox won’t make things suddenly easy ( I bloody wish ) but it should make things more possible to do.

I’m now therefore in hospital for a further week – a productive week with an obvious objective- which I need to exist in order for me to actually want to be here.

As im possibly the only British patient  in this hospital, perhaps my novelty value has made the staff insist I stay?

From one hospital to another then… I’m at Hammersmith Hospital having my latest dermatologist check. No doubt they’ll be burning off more of me shortly, leaving me with even less of the original me.
Before long there’ll just be the odd atom left that’s unscathed, of what there was 5 and a half years ago.
I’m going to be leaving hospital on Thursday – it’s really my own decision to – on the basis that I don’t really think they are doing anything positive for me in terms of ‘ rehab ‘ – as in there isn’t anything they are doing that I can’t do myself at home – and being in a hospital is bloody depressing ( particularly in the evenings/ night times, when I feel most trapped )
So relative freedom from Thursday night then – phew.
Whilst here in the waiting room there’s an elderly lady talking to (at) me/ anyone about her cat. If there’s anyone in the world less interested in cats than me then I’d like to meet them, so conversation is very one way. My solitary happy memory of a cat is when as a boy my older brother and I tipped a bucket of water over the stray cat that Stuart ( our little brother ) had finally managed to reassure enough to eat from his hand, in the back yard of our house. As we tipped the bucket from a first floor window, it was a bit of a shock to the cat, and Stuart ( our 8 year old brother ). Needless to say, the cat never ever came back.
Some would call this act unkind, and they are entirely entitled to that view, but just the memory of it makes me laugh to this day – and laughter is good, right? So overall it was a positive thing to have done, I feel.

Bring on cat lover hate mail – that’s fine, please send. I’ve done far worse things than that in my life ( no, not involving animal cruelty )  so it doesn’t really come highly in my league table of acts that maybe I regret.

The old lady has just ( innocently ) asked a black man when he is going back to Africa. That’s possibly worse than Catdrenchinggate in South Wales in 1977, but I bet won’t stir up as much emotion in my ( small ) readership.

Right, seen dermatologist. Yet another biopsy in about 2 weeks for something on my back. I had a squamous cell carcinoma removed recently which puts me in the At Risk category for something nasty.

Not that I’m at all bothered by whatever does me in, as and when it comes along. As I’ve oft written, my relationship with death is a friendly one.

Conversation with staff nurse just now.

I’ll be going out for a bit et etc etc

Have you told the other nurses ?

No. Just you.

Ok Rick I’ll tell them.

Thanks . My name is Russ, btw, not Rick

Oh im sorry !

No problem, I’ll see you soon

Actually I finish my shift soon, so it’ll be tomorrow    Have a nice evening, Robin

( Good Lord  …. )

I had to laugh…

when i saw these 3 ladies taking selfies….??????!

I mean… why????