Monthly Archives: June 2023

A broad.

I go to Portugal today.
Flying is bloody daunting, I have to say.
Have to totally rely on other people to do their jobs and so often they don’t…

Anyway Gina is coming to look after me, and so is Cherie.
I can’t quite see em fighting over me, but hey.

Last night Nat and I saw The PillowMan. Billed as a black comedy.. but there’s only so humorous killing children can be. Good but not exactly a comedy.

We saw Christine and the Queens last week. One for the LGBGTQGYTO lot.
The GYTO is Get Your Tits Out… because she did the whole gig topless.
Now that’s a first.
Lots of men taking videos, whilst being elbowed by their wives/ girlfriends.

Blooody hot isn’t it. Too hot.
Once I’d have escaped in my kayak.
Now just a an upsetting memory, that one.

Anyway, had a wheelchair adaption which means that AT LAST I can actually go onto the beach again. Christ it’ll be really strange, not seeing the sea from some pavement or other these last 8 years.

Bloody hope the mechanics don’t fail me and it all goes tits up.
Fingers crossed.



Seems a bit daft but I didn’t know until 2 days ago that I was given no chance of living, post accident.
My brain scans showed no activity at all.
( probably wouldn’t show a lot now 😂)

But yes, I really really really wasn’t supposed to live , let alone be okish mentally.
Well I’m apparently not the same as before but I’m sharper than quite a lot … I think?

Today I drove my van. Scary.
Met my mum and dad 60 miles away.
Wasn’t easy tbh.

But once back it got worse. Everything in the van transfer thing had gone tote up.
Thank God for Marky P.
He rescued my ass yet again.

He really is an amazing friend.
And the loveliest fella too.

If I was gay….

Well there’s zero chance of that so sorry Mark.
If you were gay that is.

Which you aren’t.

10 years today.

I’ve felt good these last few days référence today, my Crash/ paralysis/ shouldn’t have lived day. I’ve had loads of the latter one since of course, but I seem to be the man that won’t die.

Now it’s 3.15 pm and I’m feeling very uneasy.
It was about now I think that I’d have headed down that ‘ last ‘ steep mountain road, going fast to catch the friend that I’d ‘ let go ‘ with the intention of catching.
I think I’d almost caught Jerry when I crashed. I don’t remember any of it, it’s just what I’m told, but I do think I remember setting off on that fatal descent. Seconds earlier or seconds later and I wouldn’t have coincided with the motorcycle going too fast that surprised me, leading to me braking too hard ( my injured left hand causing a braking imbalance and me going over the handlebars )

Thinking about it at this precise moment is awful, yet I’m ‘ driven ‘ to write this post, which makes it all worse than it might be today.

The sadness will pass though, because it always does. Last night was fantastic. Roy, Jerry, Sam, Robbie and Toby all paid me a visit at my place. They all talked about the crash for a bit of the evening but for me it was more informative than it was sad. Dickon phoned on FaceTime from New York and Glenn likewise from Cambridge.
It was very moving for me, but all in a positive way.
I’ve had a lot of messages from people who matter a lot to me. Every message means far more than the words in it. Of course there are the usual absentee messengers, who ought care enough but don’t. Of course I try not to think about those 2 too much, because it’s counterproductive.

Last night was a late one and I’m a bit tired and hungover which won’t be helping, but hey I made that bed myself.
Thanks for lovely messages from Cherie and from Wendy today and talking to Yukon Rob is always a winner.

No one should underestimate how powerful a call or a message might be. Countless times they will have ( unknowingly ) saved lives by just distracting someone from a gory intention. That doesn’t apply to me, not today at least, but definitely on other days.

My ( one time ) cycle buddies mean so much to me, more than they would have done had i not crashed. Our shared (dire)experience sticks us together for all time.

I don’t want to get emotionally dragged down by writing any more, so I’ll stop that particular thread.

Tonight I was invited to Hampton Court Festival by Kerry M. Yep, it’s about time she paid for something (😂) and it’s a good one at least. I’ve not looked to see who’s playing ( which band ) because I like surprises. Robbie insisted it’s Erasure and I’ll be the only straight person there … but probably he’s lying through his teeth
Anyway I’ve seen Erasure and there were at least 2 other people that looked ( at least ) straight in the audience

I’ve seen a lot of brilliant friends recently, including the fellas last night and Chris and Caroline, Charlie P, Chris the Cat and BlindDog Paul, Leighton and Bev, and Quentin B to name a few, and I see Mikey S tomorrow

I didnt think I’d cry today but my eyes are watering now. It’s a bit of a maelstrom today, all round.

Thanks to all those that care about me. You know who you are, and I’m such a soft git now about you all.

In the meantime, my one time close kayak partner is again in prison. Henry – gay, hard as nails and with a deathwish. He’s doing 14 months and if it’s ‘ the wrong type of prison’ he’ll probably get killed by another inmate whilst there. I remember so well our training sessions in the dark, in The January Thames in flood, so cold ice would cover our fingers. Him 19 and me about 35. Neither of us ever wore gloves or made any attempt to dress for the conditions. Just a bit of Lycra. Train hard in awful conditions for months and then the race itself was easy. That wasn’t a deliberate tactic, but it’s definitely what happened. If it weren’t for the rules back then I think we could have won DW the second time we did it, but the 3 teams faster were only faster because they started 12 hours later and missed the dire weather we paddled through.
You can’t turn back time tho. If you could we would have started 12 hours later, I’d not have set off down that hill and Henry would have said no to hard drugs that will definitely lead to his death one way or another.

Not a cheerful post today, but definitely one loaded with memories and love.

God, maybe it is Erasure tonight. I’ll just go back home for my leather cap.

Oh, also as a PS I went into an antique shop to escape the rain the other day.
Impulsive git that I am, I bought a vintage lamp.
They delivered it yesterday ( it being 3 feet tall )
I know réalisé how phallic it looks.
Not sure how I missed that?
Because I put ‘ smart ‘ bulbs into everything and then Alexa control them, I had to think of a name for it. ‘ Lamp ‘ didn’t seem right tho.
If you hear me saying ‘ Alexa, Knob On’ well that s me turning on ( no pun intended ) my phallic lamp.

Maybe I’ll keep it away from the windows in case it’s sending out the wrong messages to other leather cap wearers.
You can’t be too careful.

Now I realise why it wasn’t that expensive.

PPS Worse case scenario – after they bugger Henry to death in jail they’ll look through his phone, find my address, come round mine and see a 3 foot illuminated penis and roger me to death as well.

Van Man.

So I had the drive from wheelchair van delivered a few weeks ago.
Tbh it was a mental challenge, the whole thing.

For a start I’d never driven a van, even when able bodied, and now I’m supposed to get in in a wheelchair attached to a triride, take off the triride, secure that bit so it doesn’t fall over and fly around the inside ( and then trap me inside because it falls over and I can’t get out past it ) then manoeuvre my wheelchair to the driver position, lock in and drive this bloody huge vehicle.

Because it was parked under a tree for 3 weeks it was now covered in sap as well, meaning you can’t see out of the windows.

Right, thanks to Marky P for his massive help and his time.

I thought ‘ start easy- tiny journey to a filling station, get him to fill it up, and drive back to a different parking space somewhere less sappy.

Well that wasn’t what happened. Plan evaporated immediately and I got on the busy A4 and found a station about 2 miles away. Marky filled it up and then I thought Sod It I’ll keep driving.

So, to Staines on the A30 and then onto the M25 motorway ( full of traffic ) , then back to London on the M4.
Then Mark said we might get the van washed. Ok I said. Detour to his house for a spanner to move my steering wheel ball to the 10 o’clock position from the 5 o’clock position it was bizarrely in.
Drive through school pick up heavy traffic to a car wash in Acton.
Van too high to get in.
Reverse out and around a corner. Felt like Driving blind but managed it. Another mile of very heavy traffic to a different car wash. Full of vehicles and stop start moving and having to move the van as per the washer fellas exact instructions.
No calamities.

Drive back through crazy busy 5 o’clock West London traffic to the North Circular and back to Brentford, and back to Mark’s car.
Then solo drive to find a better space nearer my home.
Mmmm no luck for a while and then boom, a disabled bay with ideal access near ish to my home.
Parked in Bay.

Manoeuvred chair backwards and for to Triride.
Reattached triride.
Reverséd to exit position in van and pressed correct buttons to open the rear doors. Reversed onto exit lift.
More buttons to lower lift with me in it to road level… and escape.

Two and a half hours, the A4, the A30, school run traffic, the M25, the M4, the North Circular – all in a van ( for the first time ) AND driving from a blimmin wheelchair.

No crashes. No near misses.
Didn’t feel at all stressed tbh.

I think that my Triride journeys are so dangerous that driving a large van doesn’t seem to be a big deal, relatively speaking.
Gotta sort out better attachments for the Triride but other than that it’s ok and my world is about to get much bigger.

Go me.
And go Marky P for his amazing commitment and friendship.


A decade of it.

As my ten year anniversary of my crash approaches I feel a tension that seems to be building in my mind.
I keep seeing things I used to do and see places I used to do them and I feel a growing sense of loss.
Yes I cope with it all far better than I used to but to be anywhere near liking it is another thing altogether.
I know there are loads of paralysed people that say that their lives post injury are ones they wouldn’t turn back in time to not have.. but I’m really not one of them.
And i never will be.

My life now is one I make the best of, given my situation, but there’s nothing about it that I ‘ feel is better ‘.

Drug addicts and alcoholics are taught to have a Gratitude List.

On mine I havé Real Friends. Your real friends are those that truly want the best for you.
Some of my family are of course included in ‘ friends’.

The amount I lost is incalculable.
Just now I got myself tangled in a garden hose ( around my wheels ).
Were it not for the largely live in help I currently have, I’d have been totally stuck outside ( trapped by a bloody garden hose )
Pathetic isn’t it?
And that’s what kills me – my helplessness now, a helplessness that permeates through so many things by virtue of not being mobile enough to alter situations. Not being able to disentangle from a hose and not being able to just go somewhere and walk up to someone and talk about something that needs mending or changing.
I can’t just go and talk to my daughters. If that was possible there is no way I’d be In the situation with them that I still bloody am.

I won’t ever get past that.

Quattro ( Audi not Suzy )

Since my disastrous surgery in 2016 that left me unable to just push around outside in a regular wheelchair, I’ve been obliged to buy power attachments.
Also I’ve not been able to just transfer into a car and drive off. Far more complicated now aka far more expensive to get solutions.

Today I got the Triride rear half. Thé trouble with just the front wheel power only is
1. It slips and skids in the wet – dangerous as f:::
2. The front tyre wears away fast as that’s where all the traction ( friction ) is.
3. Going uphill in the wet is sometimes impossible.
4. Going up a steep ramp eg into a train is well dodgy since it involves a fast approach and ‘ run up ‘ meaning that anyone or anything at the top of the ramp that suddenly appears WILL get injured/ damaged.
5. Having only one powered wheel means that anything at all that goes wrong with it mechanically equals Game Over.

Well as of today I have All Wheel Drive. I can choose front/ back or all wheel power. Now I can go up any ( smooth ) slope as slowly as I like. Sand and gravel and grass are no longer impossible, and if my front wheel fails I still have the rear.
Also I can go far further than before.
REGULARLY I am down to my last 20 percent of power with 2 miles still to go – always at night and often when it’s cold and wet.
Well no more! Sure it’ll still be dark, cold and wet, but I can chill about batteries running out.

Happy birthday to me then.

Early! 😊🏴󠁧󠁢󠁷󠁬󠁳󠁿❤️♿️