A decade of it.

As my ten year anniversary of my crash approaches I feel a tension that seems to be building in my mind.
I keep seeing things I used to do and see places I used to do them and I feel a growing sense of loss.
Yes I cope with it all far better than I used to but to be anywhere near liking it is another thing altogether.
I know there are loads of paralysed people that say that their lives post injury are ones they wouldn’t turn back in time to not have.. but I’m really not one of them.
And i never will be.

My life now is one I make the best of, given my situation, but there’s nothing about it that I ‘ feel is better ‘.

Drug addicts and alcoholics are taught to have a Gratitude List.

On mine I havé Real Friends. Your real friends are those that truly want the best for you.
Some of my family are of course included in ‘ friends’.

The amount I lost is incalculable.
Just now I got myself tangled in a garden hose ( around my wheels ).
Were it not for the largely live in help I currently have, I’d have been totally stuck outside ( trapped by a bloody garden hose )
Pathetic isn’t it?
And that’s what kills me – my helplessness now, a helplessness that permeates through so many things by virtue of not being mobile enough to alter situations. Not being able to disentangle from a hose and not being able to just go somewhere and walk up to someone and talk about something that needs mending or changing.
I can’t just go and talk to my daughters. If that was possible there is no way I’d be In the situation with them that I still bloody am.

I won’t ever get past that.

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