Last night I went ( in iBot ) to see Eels in The Roundhouse, Camden.
Was very strange to have beers with the guys ( Chris, Leigh and Ravi Oli ) and everyone be standing up?! They all said how great it was for THEM (!) – so what must it have been like for me?? Cool tbh.
Because everyone under 30 is now 6 foot 5 ( even those born biological females ) at 5 foot 11 in the iBot I still can’t see that well – BUTTTTT I was in the STANDING SECTION!!! Wow – first time in years obvs.
Trains worked ok too. Bloody complicated to arrange and coordinate just going out, for me, especially by myself, but it did work ok. If someone wanted to mug me though, I’d not have a chance.
Eels were really disappointing. I saw them in around 1995 and it was brilliant. Last night they just didn’t PLEASE THE CROWD … I don’t get it when bands that peeps have paid a lot to see, and travelled far to get to, don’t play their most listened to songs mainly. Instead they played mediocre stuff and the band members kept talking.
They’re American ie not that funny to Brits, but that was wasted on them as the lead guy crapped on about his Apple Watch step count. Mmmmm not funny or interesting – maybe just sing more? The peeps came to see a BAND .. not to hear about your FitBit equipment.

And yea, people actually come up and TALK to me, now I’m not 3 foot 6 – always about the amazing IBot admittedly but hey it’s a lot more interesting than your Apple step count to be fair. The £35,000 price tag doesn’t surprise people at all when they see it balancing on just 2 wheels.
Maybe I should be on the 5th Plinth in Trafalgar Square in it? I’d be a paraplegic David Blane type attraction. Obviously when it ran out of battery I’d crash to my death, so One Day Only plinth attraction.

Court on Thursday. Good Vs Evil Day of Reckoning. There is clearly a difference of opinion on who is G and who is E.
I know who the C is..

It’ll be a 4.30 am start to even get there for 10am. They make you all turn up at 10am. How archaic is that in 2023? Even though I wrote to explain my situation, it makes no difference – you get there by 10 and maybe youll be heard at 5pm.
Anyway, never mind. Gina will be coming of course – stuff like just reaching out for documents I’ll need her for, along with emptying of secretion bags.
But don’t forget – my Ex needs whatever money I have far more than I do! She has far more essential needs than I do, of course! I ought just accept and roll over. Ok I’d have to be hoisted out onto the ground, log rolled and then the harness put back on me to be hoisted back into my wheelchair. 🙄

I went to see A Little Life last week. Cried my eyes out I did. Young lad buggered senseless by the Priestly Brotherhood for a decade, then ends up in a wheelchair, then ultimately commits suicide. Ok well I’ve not been buggered ( other than possibly in Court on Thursday ) but the rest has happened to me already.

Weird though – standing ovations for the great cast, particularly the wheelchair fella. Obviously the crowd felt very moved by his plight.
Did ONE person look me in the eye / smile / nod as I fought my way out through the throng in the foyer ? Nahhhh … there’s fiction and then there’s actual real life compassion.
Never the Twain shall meet.

🤷♿️❤️

As a retired optometrist myself, I’m just wondering how I’d cope with having skied up the arse of Gwyneth Paltrow… regardless of whose ‘ fault ‘ it was.

Hmmmmm. Tough one that.

Have finally bought myself a car that I actually drive myself.
It’s a bloody great unit – more truck than car, but it’s gotta have me in it, plus wheelchair, plus room for the Triride, plus be a party bus for me homies.

Once I get the full wrap, my face on all sides and the flames up the side etc it’ll look ‘distinctive’ enough not to be stolen.

That’s quite exciting – being able to go places without a train involved.
The thing is so big that parking will be tricky. May just have to use fields or something. Can’t see myself driving into London at all in it tbh. Just too complicated and far slower than roaring off in my Triride.

Seen some great plays recently actually. Dark and disturbing most of em.

Spasms are under control. The antidepressant I was on may have been responsible for the spasms.
There’s an irony – the pill to cheer you up gives you side effects that make you want to kill yourself most of the time.
Gotta laugh.
Actually being off that pill has made me a fair bit ‘ sharper’. That’s handy in divorce court next week. My adversary ( she who shall not be named ) is up against my full mental faculties for the first time in a long time. Looking forward to a good old bit of British Justice tbh.
She can’t actually be sent to jail though unfortunately.

Anyway, lodger out this weekend. Weyhey! Instagram (and cosmetic surgery !! ) obsessed in your early 20’s just isn’t right?

No more lodgers.

Got to shift stuff to my wee pad in Portugal. Need 2 hoists there and a wheelchair that actually enables me to go onto the beach. Not been on sand for about 7 years.

The space freed up in my own flat here will be transformational.

I was once minimalist… but then disability and wheelchairs and hoists rather trash that option, plus a drastic downsizing gave me too much stuff!

That’s going to Change tho. It’ll be like the Conrad Shop in here soon, give or take a bloody great iBot and 3 other wheelchairs and 3 ceiling hoists.
Ignore those and see the minimalism beyond!

😂

Well, when I say they stopped, it wasn’t altogether. As I write, it’s a bit dire

And the spasms stopped this morning.
Was something else causing it.
Too distasteful to mention tbh.

But a blessed relief, after what, 3 months?

Can the person who once said that to me at 3am please get in touch????

I’d love that.

Russ

So.
No dislocations and no pelvic fractures.
That’s good.
They aren’t SCI specialists here but I reckon I’m in ok hands. They are talking about my spasms – myoclonus – and causes. Lots of.
One is drug side effects.
One drug I take – sertraline has a recognised connection with causing spasms.
Another I took 2 courses of – Ciproflaxin for a UTI – likewise a connection.. theoretically.

Knowing a possible reason is mentally far better than it just being bewildering.

Thanks for the messages and calls I’ve had.

Thanks to Gina G for being here.

If they want me to stay in I’ll resist. My own adapted home is far better for me than being here. I can always come back tomorrow.

Hey Russ, (***** SCI, if not in your phone). Haven’t done WhatsApp/Messenger for months and zero inclination but always read your blog (course!). I’m the only suicidal quadriplegic in this relationship. Find your own niche ffs!! Another wonderful c*** (like us), Mr Gervais says, “Life’s a struggle, with little beautiful surprises that make you wanna carry on… through all the shit!” It’s a moving scene in the David Brent debacle. Maybe check it out?
I think only those who experience the precipice know what it’s like to be… on the edge. Dreadful. Unimaginable. Most of your readers won’t appreciate what it took, the courage, to write it. Don’t expect they’ll understand the unimpeachable strength it will require to survive Monday either. But those who matter will, and they’ll be so very relieved.
The world needs strong, irreverent, irresistible, and well just bloody great humans like you in it. I only read one fucking blog, and that’s, frankly sparse (I pardon you 😉 Don’t think ‘House n Home’ is my bag… Well, I’m rambling but always in your corner xx

Spasms off the scale. Violent jerking of both legs. No let up.

I’m so on edge all of the time, and have been for ages.
I’m going to Charing Cross to be X-rayed.
I dont know, but I’m thinking maybe I dislocated a hip when I cartwheeled down a long escalator in mid December.
Logically it doesn’t make that much sense if I escaped fairly unscathed from that ( other than a deep cut to my chin and another to my left thumb
– treated by me with half a tube of superglue ) Yes I should have gone to hospital, but it was 11pm on a Saturday night In London and that weekend was a nurse’s strike. Well I wasn’t in pain, was I? But I’m not going to be, am I? I can’t feel anything…

I’m up against it in the battle against my ex wife, who actually has no just case at all yet hounds me. My daughters support her. It seems most people do, and I’m called unreasonable etc.
Am I uncomplimentary about her? Yep. If you walked in my shoes so would you be. I want her to leave me alone and to stop poisoning my kids. I’ve dated loads of divorced women. All of them say they don’t poison the kids. They all dislike their exes but they know their kids need a dad.
Id like Danielle to be paralysed and In a wheelchair and then not see her daughters for 7 years to see how it feels. In reality though, had this situation been in reverse, no matter how much I disliked her, I’d MAKE my daughters see her. Make them.
So yes, leave me alone Danielle, please. Stop the persecution. I would like to very much leave you alone. What if I offer to contact Space X and pay for a Mars ticket for you? I can’t stretch to the return ticket but it’s probably nice on Mars – the views n all.
Is that unkind to write that? Well obviously it’s not going to actually happen, so it’s black humour. If Elon Musk is reading this though, email me.

I seem to be living an altered reality tbh.

If I am in extreme pain that I can’t feel, then the amount of stress hormones floating around me would be extreme. I don’t seem to be cut any slack by most people though. Just Mark,Mike, Leigh, Chris and Charlie. Oh and always Gina G. Good to have some support
( sorry 17/3/23 edit – that’s an incomplete list. I have some very lovely and supportive people in my life. Without them I wouldn’t be here. As in alive )

Having absolutely and unequivocally decided to end my life ( on Monday night ) because I just can’t cope with my unrelenting spasms, they have stopped.

Is that a cruel reprieve before they come back, or not ?

I’m nothing but honest ( although told by my detractors that I’m not – of course ) and this isn’t a cry for attention or anything ( sod that notion ).

I’m now confused as to what might come next.

My legs are as stiff as planks of wood, so it’s not like it’s ok, but my mind gets so dark in every way, and after months of this then I’m very much on that knife edge.