Monthly Archives: May 2017

Thank you.

Big love to Cherie for doing all the chefess’ing at my BBQ. What would I do without her help?

Thanks to my friends for coming to a pretty last minute thang, and for the company of those that I’ve had the pleasure to see since, too. In no particular order then, to Rick, Russ, Jane and Bret, the 2 Charlottes, Cherie, Toby, Cress, Eve, Chris H and  Dickon.

And thanks to Yvonne for her kindness, and to Pia for her ongoing dedication ( and for coming to a band tonight as well – The Kills – I think Pia fell in lust with the  lead singer – a hot, blonde, girl …… what can I say about that?! )


I’m not feeling it.

I would say that the search for that elusive thing called happiness is eluding me. There is very little that is right about my life, and nothing that I wouldn’t change if I was able to. For sure, there are those worse off than me, but I struggle with the concept of feeling grateful for what I have left.

I get recurring dark thoughts that feature my demise, and also about the twice that I definitely should have died already, namely my crash and my brush with drowning a couple of years ago. My thoughts always end with a regret that I survived, rather than feeling fortunate that I did.

My temporary live in carer is well intentioned, for sure, but as company falls very short, due to us having nothing at all in common, other than the place in which we both live. The agency IS looking for someone else who will fit better, and I definitely need to get a proper girlfriend I think.

Perhaps my thoughts are influenced by my UTI – well it would make sense that they were – but it’s impossible to say that at this precise moment.

It’s a bank holiday, I believe. What I wouldn’t do to have a holiday from being bloody paralysed – just for a few days.

Ffs ( again ).

Night sweats,constant spasms and  low mood – can only mean one thing, another UTI.  Dammit, here we go again. I have to wait until the doctor’s surgery is open, then call and speak to the GP, then have the usual ‘ discussion ‘ ( argument ) about which antibiotics are effective against my UTI, then hopefully be prescribed the right one.

I wonder how it’ll go this time.


So my live in carer hadn’t really appreciated what  the role entailed ( the clue is in the title, to be fair ).

Things came to a pretty abrupt end when I requested that she didn’t go out to a party at 7pm, with an unspecified ( 4-5am ? ) finish, meaning that in an emergency I’d be alone and helpless. I mean, for sure everyone likes a party, but most people appreciate that going to one whilst you’re supposed to be at work isn’t going to be altogether popular with your employer.

I certainly haven’t had to watch Jeremy Kyle these past 10 days, as I’ve been in my own episode, or felt like I have been…..

Another little chapter of my existence therefore over, I now have temporary help from another lady who will be here for a few days. As I write, I can hear her using her initiative and cleaning the flat – thats a sound I’ve not heard a lot for a week or so. The washing machine is also on.

Goodness me, I didn’t even have to ask.

This may actually work out?

One less demon.

I had this idea, the other day. The bike that I fell off, I still have. I did try to give it away to a couple of guys that knew me, a few years ago. I mean, it’s a beautiful machine, and I didn’t need it anymore, did I?

I think that to them it was akin to wearing dead man’s shoes; the bike was cursed by association/ would I be upset if I saw them on it / wasn’t it just all a bit f’d up?

If it had eyes and could feel then it would be the last thing that saw me, and sensed me   – as an impressive figure of a man, and as a normal human being.

For years it’s been in an outside cupboard. Not like a dark presence, but sort of unspoken about.

My friend Lea, herself a record breaking cyclist ( so far better than I would have been, as an enthusiastic amateur ) helped me to tie it to the girder in the flat in which I currently live.

I’ve looked at it a lot tonight, and have fallen back in love with it ( as I used to be ). It’s no longer either cursed, or a dark presence… and no one else is going to ride it ever again.

Only me, in my dreams.


I’d actually forgotten that I’d bought tickets to see Sheryl Crow tonight ( you have to buy tickets for stuff well in advance in the ‘ access ‘ world ) so  it was a brilliant surprise to realise that I was going.

Sheryl is completely incredible . I had no idea she’d be that good.

I’ve not listened to her stuff for blimmin ages, but I think I’m going to have to now that I’ve seen her do it live. She is definitely one of the most natural crowd pleasers that I’ve had the luck to hear.

Thanks to Kate, for being my last minute gig buddy 🙂

Looking up.

So… a taste of things to come?

Last night, for the first time in 9 months, I watched a film on the telly, in the flat that I live in, actually accompanied by another human being in the same room as me, that was being friendly. …  a seminal evening.  I’d forgotten how that felt.

The actual film wasn’t the important part, it was the fact that I was in company in my home – company that talked to me, and smiled as well.

Here’s to Francesca…

Okay, so she is paid to do it, but let’s not let that fact detract from it.

Ads Ant.

There were the usual assessment of ‘ physically  normal  looking ‘ people in the disabled area of the gig.  One lady, in a silk red dress, definitely started in the non disabled area, and after half an hour ended up positioning herself at the front of the D area…. she had definitely had a lot of Botox, and possibly a facelift, but I’m not sure if that kind of self inflicted wrinkle removing paralysis counts as actually being disabled? Im sure that the man in the corner was Morgan Freeman, but he didn’t speak so I can’t be sure. In common with the others he didn’t smile either, which seems to be the code of behaviour in the D area, for both the afflicted and their carers ( as neither rarely look disabled, it’s impossible to tell which is which ? )

Pia and i don’t fit in, as we laugh, smile, do satdowndancing, and drink a fair bit ( we seem to be the only ones to do much of the latter, as well ?! )

Mr Ant was very good. He hasn’t lost whatever it was that he had in the first place. He still dances in a very effeminate way, last night in tight leather and a cowboy hat.   He still sounds and looks ( from a distance anyway ) like he did in the Eighties.  The Albert Hall was packed, so he definitely isn’t short of fans/ the curious to see if he’s still any good.

We were in a very small minority of peeps that had dressed up as him….. not surprisingly… but we did both get a LOT of compliments… possibly mostly tongue in cheek…

Getting there.

Table provided ( and delivered ) by Mark P – a cross between an office desk and a table, I suppose, but it’ll suffice, for now, for sure. Two ‘ festival ‘ chairs complete the student look.

Couple of loaned pots from Francesca’s mum.

Cooking was a challenge for the first couple of days ( for Francesca )  Blimey, she’s obviously used to having kitchen utensils… outrageously spoilt, obviously…

When I lived alone post university, i did have a go at cooking, but it was never my forte, let’s say. Night after night I had the same thing – baked beans, sausages, toast, fried eggs and bacon.  I’d leave one of the 5 things out every night, for variety – well you can’t eat the same every day, can you ?

Can opener, sieve, knives, cheese grater, chopping board, kitchen utensils, more pots etc etc – ordered online, for imminent delivery.

Thanks to the numerous offers of help that we had – all very much appreciated !

Moving a few pictures on the walls to different places,  once in a while,  always makes a place look different. I used to do that in the last house we had, probably every 6 months or so ( when it occurred to me ) I’m not sure that even the people that live in the house really notice that much, but they would sense some difference, I’m sure.  I’ve done it here, yesterday, with help, and found some funny stuff that used to be on the walls of our old house too… but apparently didn’t fit the style of this abode?  Anyway, now resurrected..