I think I have learned the power of ‘ trigger words ‘ – words, or just a single word, that lead to a fairly extreme psychological reaction in a person. When one/  they are said  then all sorts of what seems like an over the top response is definitely possible.

The thing about triggers is that if you don’t know what a person is sensitive to, then you dont know what to avoid saying, or doing if the trigger is an action.

Ive learned that I have triggers, that make me feel panicked, basically. One is definitely not knowing how I’m going to manage when I get to a place – can I get in, is someone going to be able to ( willingly ) assist me, can I possibly get into a bed etc etc. Thé not knowing factor sends my head into a spin, because i know that I CANNOT do a lot of things myself. When a plan is suddenly changed so that I can’t predict clearly what might happen to me, it sends my brain haywire and I behave irrationally because I’m panicking. I might not look like I am – im not in tears, or shaking or anything like that. I think I just get stubborn and argumentative, but to anyone else it just probably looks like I’m just an  unreasonable bastard.

The other trigger is anything to do with my catheter, which when not working properly makes me spasm so much, which drives me to distraction, and it’s so bad that it makes me feel suicidal. In fact, now I think its the only thing that does make me feel that way, which is a big ‘ improvement ‘ from how my mind used to process things.

As i ended up in an ambulance on Wednesday after my catheter got blocked and I removed it, only then to completely fail to get a replacement in, my mind went into free fall for a while, though I bounced back really quickly afterwards, again a big improvement on a while back.

I can’t say that I reacted well to my triggers, but only myself and a few close friends would even be able to read the situation and recognise what is happening to me, mentally.

You’re never too old to learn, it seems, as I’ve learned a lot these last few days about my own triggers and the fact that other people have them too.

I just didn’t know, and sadly you can’t turn back the clock.

Ive no interest in getting another clock, I just want to fix the one i broke by mistake.

4 thoughts on “Réalisation.

  1. You are learning a lot, lovely.
    If it’s any use, most people will completely get it if you simply explain ‘this freaks me out because I need to know I’m going to be safe – I am worried about XYZ’.
    Hopefully they will be able to think it through with you, so you both know what the plan is. It will actually help them to understand what help you need and they’ll understand you’re not being a grumpy, stubborn git, you’re justifiably scared.

    1. In theory yes Lisa. Not always in real life though.
      Airports can be bad, for example. Someone can appear to just disappear, forgetting that I can’t see over people’s heads. To them, I’m sure everything is fine. To me it’s like being that child who has lost his mum in a massive shopping centre. It might sound bonkers but it’s how it is if I’m not in control of a situation.

      1. OMG of course you’d be freaked out by that.
        Not bonkers at all. A lot of stress and anxiety stems from not being in control of your situation.

  2. Everybody has triggers, some people have worked thier out so they aren’t so reactive. Your close friends mostly (but not always) know what your triggers are or even what triggers your triggers – – & we try to steer clear of them. The harder part of course, is learning what other people’s triggers are, without setting them off.

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