I just got a call from social services. She said that I ought have a hospital bed, that’s higher up and moves electronically.
I said yes, that would be better, and can I have a double so that my girlfriend fits in too.

I could hear the whirring of brain waves at the other end… ‘ you what?! You disabled people want to have the same as us normal people?! You aren’t happy to sleep alone for the rest of your lives?! The ingratitude of it! ‘

But after the whirring had stopped I heard ‘ sorry, we hear that a lot, but doubles aren’t available. Maybe one day ‘

I said ‘ well what about my human rights? Isn’t it discriminatory? ‘ Obviously it was tongue in cheek, but of course it’s a serious point – even nighttime company is denied you officially. If ever you want company at night, it’s after you have suffered the catastrophic effects of your body having been smashed to bits.

But they don’t think about that. If I was morbidly obese and 300 pounds, because I had eaten myself to that condition , maybe they’d give me a larger bed..? Food for thought…

I said I’d keep the bed I have then.

Well I have to say that Ga.R.y Numan is bloody good. If you don’t actually look at him, and just listen and ‘ be there’ he’s brilliant.
If you look at him then you see a short rolypoly fella just a bit too old to be in a skirt and ‘ dancing’ in a very ‘ unique ‘ way. …

Numan gets 9/10. Me n Chris had a laugh and the bus stop right outside has a no 31 bus that goes all the way to my street, pretty much?! How useful is that?! Shame you can’t get the same bus in the opposite direction tho. I caught a tube to Westminster and them Triride’d 6 miles through London. Christ the roads are hard to navigate, packed and in TERRIBLE condition. That 6 miles took 90 minutes?! I think I got lost a few times using my compass, which I think gets confused by my metal Triride. For some reason my phone navigation wasn’t talking to me. Anyway I got there ok, after seeing Pia for a cuppa, and before that G.

Busy, me!

Im going to see Gary Numan tonight. Not seen him before, but my buddy Leigh has been 95 times and said he’s brilliant.
What I didn’t know is that Gazza has a very big gay following, having had a spell of gaydom himself for a while. I mean that’s perfectly ok with me, but had I blimmin known before today I’d have chosen a different outfit from the string vest and little leather cap that I threw on earlier ! And I’d have asked a girl to come with me rather than Chris Nocatsanymore.

As well.

Watch out for my gig report!

I got a message from my former Carer telling me to ‘ enjoy Paul Newman tonight’.
Good grief, where do I get all these people from?!

Well you couldn’t exactly call me a film buff, but for what my opinion is worth, you ought go to see Joker. Wendy and I did last night, on a whim.

It is brilliant, and it’ll clean up at the Oscars, you’ll see.

Wendy DEFINITELY isn’t a film buff either, demonstrated by this example.
The film stars Joaquin Phoenix and Robert de Niro. As Robbo dN looks a bit different for some reason in the film from how I think he should look (?) I couldn’t quite place his name at first ( yep, again demonstrating my non film buffness ) but I did know that I’d seen him in Goodfellas the other night and he is a massive star!
So I said to Wendy, feeling a touch embarrassed ‘ sorry, but can you believe I can’t remember his real name! Who is he ?! ‘

She looked a bit blank for a bit, then a spark of recollection crossed her face, and she said …

‘ is it Ronny Corbett ?’

😂

I don’t know… I worry about the lack of common sense

Here’s Roger, the Lodger.

I’d put my mobile phone on charge on the kitchen worktop, right.
Now if you were to want to cook something in a frying pan, with a choice of 4 rings to use, and there’s a mobile phone really close to the hob, would you.,

1.  Move the phone 
2.  Choose a ring closest to the phone to put your frying pan on
3.  Choose the ring furthest from the phone to use
4.  Choose the closest ring but move the phone away 
5.  Not move the phone and choose the ring right next to the phone, but then sort of cook with your hand kind of sort of ‘shielding’ the phone from the splatter from your frying pan 

Yep, you can guess which Rog did. Like I said, not of this Earth?

He came into the kitchen.
He opened the flip up bin and just looked. Looked inside, as if he’d lost something in it.

I said ‘ what are you looking for?’

He said ( slowly ) ‘ can. I. Take. A. black. Bag ?’

I said ‘ what for?’

He said ‘ For. My. Rubbish ‘

I wondered how much rubbish he could have in his room all of a sudden.

He said ( slowly in monotone ) Or. I. Could. Take. This. One. And. Replace. It. With. Another. ‘

I said ‘ so you do have one to replace it? Why don’t you just use the one you’ve got?’

He said ‘ No. I. Do. Not. Have. Another. But. Perhaps. You. Have. One. ‘

Well that got me to be honest. I handed him 2 old Morrison’s plastic shopping bags from the drawer, and said ‘ this should be ok to put your rubbish in ‘

He said ( slowly ). ‘ The. Sign. On. The. Bin. Says. Black. Bags. Only. ‘

I told him I thought it would be ok….

I’m wondering if he’s from somewhere far away. I’m almost expecting him to one day start a sentence with ‘’ Earthling…. on your planet, how do I ……..?’’

At least then things might fall into place.

A while ago I bought a remote control fart box machine. You press the button on a little fob and the fart speaker farts very loudly.
I’d forgotten about it, but it was in the lounge somewhere near the TV.

3 days ago I had a plumber visit to check my central heating control panel wasn’t broken. He had a look at it and then came into the lounge to chat to me. He walked in and stopped to say something. At that point, for no reason at all the fart speaker let out the loudest and longest fart. You could have heard it down the street, yet he didn’t show any sign at all of reacting…

Then about 5 seconds later it bloody went off again, and he didn’t show any reaction.

I had the choice of saying something ( that I was so childish I had a fart machine in my lounge, but that actually it wasn’t me letting it off ) or like him, just pretending it hadn’t happened. Twice.

I decided I should go with the first option, as at least then he would know that I wasn’t actually farting loudly while he was trying to assist me.

I did actually feel a bit flustered! To make matters worse, English wasn’t his first language, and I didn’t know Polish for fart machine… so God knows if he understood anything that was being said !

Blimey.

To help make ends meet I took a lodger about 6 weeks ago. He isn’t from this country, is male, and says he’s 31. He has had about 7 jobs since he moved in. I’m not quite sure what his intended path is.
There isn’t a lot of interaction between us, and conversation is, well, limited, to say the least.

To be honest it’s probably best this way, rather than having some pain in the bum that’s always there…

Having used the above last expression, I ought add that I don’t think ‘ there’s a girlfriend’ if you know what I’m getting at.
I’ve held off writing anything, but sod it, I may as well! Not much is sacred around here!

Watch this space.

We are in the theatre in Richmond.
A chap of about 85 came in via the Accessibilty entrance as I did. He was on a Zimmer frame and moved very slowly. There seemed to be confusion as to which was his seat, as like me only certain seat areas are wide enough to actually get into when you have reduced mobility status, and he’d been assigned a seat which didn’t make allowances for that.
Anyway, when he said to the attendant that he’d appreciate a different seat, she agreed and gave him the seat on the end of a row, about 3 seats away from his original one. He duly sat in it, taking about 2 minutes of zimmer manoeuvring to do so. His companion relieved him of his Zimmer, and he looked comfortable. Then 2 women appeared, wine glasses in hand, both about 60. One said ‘ excuse me, you are in my seat ‘. At this point ALL of the seats in the surrounding 4 rows were empty. That’s around 70 seats. This old chap’s companion said that he’d be assigned this seat as he was able to get into it. Completely unmoved the woman said ‘ but it’s my seat ‘. At this point I thought surely the attendant was going to say that his needs were the priority here, and could she use an adjacent seat.
But no, she said that she was sorry, but could he move to the row behind … to my disbelief the old fellah struggled up and shuffled to the seat directly behind him, having had his Zimmer brought to him, and the Richmond wine ‘ ladies’ sat down where he had been, still surrounded on all sides by empty rows of seats.
As no parties seemed moved by any of this, I held my tongue.. and the play began.

But get this – at the interval the 2 wine women decided to move two rows forward and 3 seats to the right for the second half! Absolutely no hint of embarrassment from either of them, or words of apology to the old fella that they had INSISTED move 45 minutes earlier.

I’ve been in similar situations myself, most notably on a plane recently where I had been put in ‘ someone else’s ‘ seat. There was absolutely ZERO chance of me agreeing to move, just because some precious twat preferred the seat I was in to an identical seat 10 feet away.

We lament the behaviour of the youth of today, but believe me there are some total c**** amongst the supposedly educated older middle classes in Britain.

To Wendy!

😘