I can’t imagine a ‘ different day’ that could be more different from yesterday.

I decided that we’d go back to the same place ( 15 miles away ) and see the same things as yesterday.

Today the sun is shining ( in my mind ) and the emotional horrors of yesterday are not here.

The rebounds that I go through/ am capable of, are remarkable ( even to me, and I ought be used to them )   I am not ‘ in control ‘ of them, yet I am responsible for them.

I’m not altogether looking forward to next June 14th though! 🙂

The moment at which my composure completely broke today was at around 3.45 pm. I found myself completely unable to quell the awful sadness that broke from me. I was by myself, having wheeled somewhere quieter, thinking that I was going to vomit, when I just couldn’t stop the collapse from occurring. I haven’t had this happen to me so suddenly before, having thought those feelings  of such sorrow and regret   were well behind me, buried somewhere.

Thinking about it, it now occurs to me that 3.45 was perhaps almost exactly the time of the day 5 years ago when I went over the handlebars and my life went into reverse. I don’t believe in superstition but perhaps it was more than a coincidence that I broke at that time? Now, 9 hours later, although still subdued I’m far less upset than I was.

I’m truly grateful to all those that remembered to say something today.

Hey you. Just sending a great big, wide, warm, special (albeit bony) hug from me. Thinking of you xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
A

No words. Superfluous all! Just a hug xxx
A

Wotcha – I also don’t know what to say.
Especially as this week coincides with me jetting off to the Yukon again (only the sprint race as I have not got my paddling engine to get me through the Y1000)
R

Hey been thinking of you …life can throw some shit at us and I sometimes wonder how I’d deal with the same situation…you have my admiration you are a remarkable man, who enrich many lives, even if this is not the one you’d have chosen. Lots of people love you …hold onto that …it really does matter and ultimately makes a difference, however small xx
A

I really like Sky’s message to you. Happy second life. It literally is a second life for you albeit a bit broken and bent but it’s still life.
I prefer to think as a fifth anniversary of life rather than the alternative.
J

Why do I read your blog everyday?! I’m hooked to your life
M

Hang in there Russ!!  Obviously impossible for me to relate to your condition and experience, but I am sending a fist bump 👊 and genuine positive vibes!!
K

I always read your blog …you snuck that one in !!
How are you holding up …1 hour and 18 mins to midnight…then this day is officially over for another year …doesn’t change anything I know but you survived the battle
Actually every day is a battle….don’t get tired of the fight ❤
A

Sad anniversary today mate. Am thinking about you. I guess it’s not a good memory and I wasn’t sure whether to send a message. Looking forward to having you back in town and the flat warming.
R

I think on the first anniversary we went to a strip club. Why haven’t we done that again?!
Thinking of you today old chap. X

J

Hi Russ

Difficult day today I’m sure. Last year when we went out for a few drinks on this night I could see you were obviously “sensitive” ….. however your Welsh mate falling backwards off the chair was a moment to cherish 😂

Hope that made you smile.

See you soon.
L

I’m sure it’s tough!!  And if anyone knows mental/physical toughness pre AND post accident, it’s you.  Post accident you’ve experienced better and great days..  Sending those thoughts back to you!!
K

Only one more hour left of that worst 24 hrs of every year. Xx

A

I know  & understand yesterday was a difficult day 

I didn’t no you pre accident so I feel I am a friend after that terrible day 

I still remember the day we met , to me was a special day , and I hope it was a good day for you too 

We seem to hit it off straight away ! 

To me we have a special friendship 

I feel proud that I am able to give you support when I can 

and enjoy my visits to you ,

Take care matey

and I’m sure I’ll see you soon 

Big hugs 

C xx 

Just been catching up with your blog – as I do a couple of days a week. You’ve had some great messages which say it all. Glad you’re still here, sad you’re here in a ‘different’ way, but you’re still making a huge contribution in lots of ways to lots of people. Every anniversary will feel different but on maybe this one’s purged some of the emotion and next year will be easier? Lots of love Auntie Mxxx 😊

Good to hear that you’re going well today and got through the horrors of yesterday. 

I was at The Tour de France, not far from you, when I heard the news 5 years ago. Tiny flashbacks compared to yours, your family and closest…

What you have achieved already has been incredible…totally inspirational. 

You would rather have not had the opportunity to give so much to so many – that’s f’ing obvious – but please don’t underestimate how important your words and presence are.

Bottle of red when you’re back?

C

Really sorry to see you had a fucking awful day on Thursday mucker. But glad Friday was better and your relentless strength prevailed. X

Apologies for the language, but it’s not actually ME speaking…

Happy returning from the dead day me old mucker. You were my hero when we were kids in school and you still are! Keep fighting you miserable shit xx

Good, you’re still here mate and many many people are pleased about that. Take care x

Today I can’t stop crying. I’ve not been this way for a long time.

They say it’s good to cry and perhaps it is.

I know that that’s how it is when you have PTSD, which was my psychiatrist’s opinion some time ago.

Today will pass, I know. Tomorrow will be better, I’m sure, although at the moment seeing ahead is  not really possible.

You are doing so bloody well – and have achieved so much… it’s understandable that it’s a momentous day and always will be. But I think it’s a good thing that you’re able to relate to it as an anniversary – as it certainly is to the rest of us, as five years ago, we did not know that we would have you around.
And thank God you are.

I will organise something at your flat for the 21st, as soon as you know you’re coming back that day and have bought your ticket home xxx

Russ, I remember this day as if it was yesterday, not 5 years ago.
The call from Danielle, my call to Mum and Dad, desperately trying to find the first flight to Nice, calling Stu to time our arrival.
When I got to the hospital, within 24 hours of your accident, it was literally like being in a nightmare dream. A couple of your cycling friends were there, with Danielle, everyone crying.
You were unconscious and in terrible condition. The doctor gave you a 50% chance of survival, with most likely brain damage as well as paralysis.
The emotional shock was stunning.
Your recovery was nothing short of a miracle. Despite the paralysis and the horrible consequences, somehow you regained your mental capacity and ability to carry on.
While you may forever swing between happiness and sadness, and while you may never be able accept the awful hand you’ve been dealt, you should know that your brothers, your parents and your extended family love you very much and are grateful you are still with us.
Stay strong bro, you deserve and will have a brighter future, I am sure of it.
Love Alwyn

The enormity of this day has just hit me very hard. I feel sick, sad beyond belief, and alone.

I didn’t see these emotions coming at all, but they are here.

Christ, to be able to turn back the clock.

I’ll hear from a few peeps today, for sure. It won’t be many, I know. People suffer from the ‘ well I didn’t really know what to say, and he probably wants space ‘ syndrome – which of course is exactly the opposite of the truth. I won’t actually hear from a couple of people who without my input wouldn’t actually exist, if you get my drift.

In the same way that you’d visit your father’s/ mother’s grave on the anniversary of his/ her death, then today ought be the day to send something to someone like me. You see, your deceased parents can’t actually hear you, or respond, because they are dead,  but someone like me, can, because I’m alive.

Thats not that complicated, is it?

This definitely isn’t a plea for messages btw, it’s just an explanation of how it is.

Having worked out that red wine 🍷 is ok for me, I shall be having a few later for sure.

And smiling.