Since it is Father’s Day…

Having had little contact with my children for 14 months, I’m taking legal advice.

I read that it’s extremely common to lose all contact with your children after an absence of 2 years and I do get that.

In my situation it’s far better for ‘ my head ‘ if i don’t think about the sadness of not seeing them, as, in combination with all the other challenges I face almost daily, it’s enough to ‘ tip me the wrong way’

Advice to me from clever and good people varies from FIGHT FOR THEM to give them space… after 14 months of very little, I don’t think the space approach is working. Regular messages don’t work, not messaging them doesn’t work, pushing for contact doesn’t work either, and backing off is no more successful. Being generous gets me nowhere, and being non generous even less so. Should they actually be rewarded with generous gestures for ignoring me? Money can’t buy love, can it?

Asking friends to talk to them get’s the ‘ ooh it’s not my place really’ but no attempt to is presumably interpreted as not caring?

There doesn’t seem to be a winning tactic other than a legal route. Given they have walked past my house twice a day for a year means that they aren’t exactly hindered by proximity, yet won’t call in? I can’t go round to where they live as it’s not wheelchair accessible.

Its been suggested i wait outside their schools in the wheelchair and hope they talk to me, too, but I don’t think they would.

Lord knows what they are told about me, and Lord knows what is told to my ex friends, as no one says. Well, one did, and it was a tissue of untruths.

Im at a crossroads- do I carry on ‘being stressed ‘ about it, or do I let them go ( like the 40% in the UK that lose all touch after 2 years ) ?

The more settled I get, the easier it becomes to not think about them, as it’s in times of stress that my mind goes to them most ( as in ‘ Christ, I don’t even have my kids anymore ‘ ) For my own mental state it’s far better that I’m stress free, as I have so much every day to ‘ cope with ‘, far more than a normal person does, for disability reasons.

What do you think, out there? The way forward?


7 thoughts on “Since it is Father’s Day…

  1. Russell,
    Bloody hell!
    I haven’t been to your blog for a while till today. I’m a dad too with two daughters, one of whom has the same name as one of yours, although that’s irrelevant. I cannot imagine being subject to a permanent separation from them. I simply do not comprehend why you are being made to go through the added pain and anguish of being deprived of your RIGHT to share love with your children. Of course, I don’t know how much your endurance event lifestyle impinged on your time with your family pre-accident, but it’s obvious you are a good person and you do not in anyway deserve this heartache. You are the proverbial good man being kicked when literally prone. I feel like entering into a tirade but that would be inappropriate of me. My wife suffered an illness several years ago and I thought for a while we would lose the original her, but I can honestly say, hand on heart and given the worst case scenario, I’d never have contemplated abandonment or turned our children away from her. Whether you’re a believer or not those marriage vows should count especially when one half of the partnership is suddenly beset by a tragic disablement such as yours. You’ve got to hang in there for them. I can only speak from my personal experience of coming from a home and family split by marital separation and then the subsequent death of my father in an accident at age 10; I was estranged from his side of the family for decades. Keep loving them, Russell, do your bit as far you can. Keep in touch, send them messages, letters, little gifts when appropriate, just keep reminding them of you. Be neutral, show them only love and don’t give anyone else any ammo to justify the untruths that are being spun. Your daughters will come back to you. My father has been gone for 42 years, but if by some miracle he were to appear on my doorstep now I’d know he would still be my dad. Your daughters know you are their dad and they will realise that too sooner or later

    Sorry I wasn’t around to send you a message on your recent ‘anniversary’. I know it must seem like there’s a bloody lead weight strapped to it, but keep your chin up.

    Best regards

    Mark Halliday

  2. I’ll talk to them for you. Just say the word. I don’t think you deserve to be treated like this. Thinking about my own Father today who I found dead when i was 16. Never forget the 19th August when he died. Lots of love to you as always Margaret x x x

  3. Write them a good old fashioned letter Russ. Help them have a more balanced view. Tell them how much you miss them, but seeing you in their decision. They’re at ‘that age’ and will maybe reflect on it all at their own pace so I wouldn’t expect any swift changes. My opinion based on having no children of my own…

  4. You undoubtedly have done this, but a simple unemotive test along the lines of ” It’s Father’s Day, but I think of you very day, I miss you, & I hope you are well & happy. I’d love to see you, or talk to you, but no matter what, I want you to know that I will always be here for you. Love, Dad.” Best of luck, & don’t forget your Dad. Xx

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