Despite having me as an experienced stroker, I got the impression that Fanny needed more… you know how it is, I’m sure…

So I got her a roommate. Fanny, meet Dick. Dick is smaller than Fanny, and younger too, so hopefully will keep her happy. She’s a fair bit larger than him; I reckon Dick would fit right inside Fanny ( God forbid.. )

Fingers crossed they’ll be a happy union.

❤️

Hi Russ,
Just wanted to say I was thinking if you as you tick off another year of life post crash. I just read your blog post and was pleased to hear a more positive post compared to previous years. Sounds like you have finally found a way to be that works for you. Not perfect of course, but doable for you. 

Stay strong and live long Russ, it’s the human spirit that counts and you’ve got loads of that. 

K

Antibiotics and painkillers then last night and today so far. It’s definitely better than yesterday so I’m safe to assume I do have an infected tooth.

I’ll put off a trip to the dental hospital for now though – I have other things in my mind that are preoccupying me more.

I have a few of my cycling buddies from that day coming over this evening, and some closer than close friends too, so it’ll be good, and Wendy is here too.

Distraction is again the strategy. I really don’t want to spend thinking about how and what went wrong that day, and as a consequence all the things that happened since, as I have learned to live with those consequences 24/7, 365 days a year. It’s amazing I survived that injury ( I’m told ) but people do, don’t they? Most don’t however, all that’s left is a memory of them on birthdays etc by those few that that even knew their birthdays, or the date they died. I’ve never been ‘ good ‘ with dates ( in that respect ) but I know lots of the living have tough times on the anniversary of a deceased parent or relative. Today should have been a death anniversary of mine, remembered only by a few I’m sure. Without my blog to prompt someone I doubt this day would be significant to anyone at all, other than myself, though of course it did change the course of several lives significantly. I don’t expect to hear from any/many of those though, as people think of themselves rather than me in terms of ‘ effects on lives ‘ which is understandable of course.

For me it shall remain the Worst Day of My Life, though of course I don’t remember any of it except for a few little bits before I crashed, some 8 hours before I went over the handlebars, and fucked myself up for good.

Last year I completely fell apart in a totally unanticipated outpouring of grief ( I suppose ) for a life lost, which is definitely an accurate description.

I have cobbled together a different life, which comes under the ‘ having made the best of it in the circumstances ‘ bracket.

I’m not dead yet, and no doubt I’ve lots more to experience. One thing is s for sure, I’m not just going to wait to die sat indoors in a wheelchair, watching archived episodes of Jeremy Kyle. I have stability now, and from that platform can spring some adventure I think…. not that I haven’t been adventurous these last 6 years, as I think this diary has recorded, to be fair. I don’t go back and read it, so I only have memories of having written stuff down, rather than ‘ entertaining myself ‘ by reading it. I think also it’s a fear of reminding myself of darker times than now, too, which isn’t constructive in any way.

So it’s my 6 year birthday today. The day I was redelivered, back from having stepped through Death’s Door. I don’t have and dark tunnel and bright light recollections though. Perhaps that’s because the light of being reborn paralysed isn’t a shiny new LED bulb, it’s far dimmer, more of a candlelight.

You get used to living by candlelight if that’s all you have though, right?

I’ve got raging toothache. There’s nothing worse than raging toothache… people say.

Well there is… paralysis is a lot worse than toothache.

But raging toothache plus paralysis, plus my crash anniversary tomorrow is shite to be honest.

I may have to go to the dental hospital tomorrow, if it doesn’t respond to the antibiotics, to have the tooth taken out, dentist suggested.

Great!

And after 5 years and 4 months of having the same wheelchair, I have finally got a new one! Blimey, that old one saw a lot of punishment. Lots of crashes, about 15,000 miles of Triride’ing and general wheeling about, with untold numbers of potholes having been trashed through. The frame was bent and weakened, the wheels seem to have given up, bolts have fallen out and sheared through, the back rest and seat have been replaced numerous times etc etc.

I can’t say I’m happy to be in a wheelchair, but I’m happy that the wheelchair I’m in is a now a friction free, and rigid machine. It’s called a Protegeo and it’s Italian, like my Triride.

My little Bambino, I might call it. I’m glad it doesn’t know just how hard its life is going to be – it’d probably be outta here straight away!

Good to see a couple of me old chums this week- Lal and Neal. Tonight my girl and I go to see some band she booked. They’re called Smoke Weed and Eat Pussy Every Day …. odd name, I thought… presumably the RSPCA wouldn’t approve of that practice?

Anyway, I just aim to please her, and so don’t complain…

And today I see my cousin Jason who I haven’t seen for maybe 25 years? He’s in London and is dropping in, and also helping me connect my complex ( isn’t it all ?) tv/ amplifier/speakers system. Good lad!

And that bloody day – the 14th of June – it looms again. I thought it’d be ok this year… but already it’s on my mind. The Day That Changed Everything for me.

I’m just thinking …. is ANYTHING the same as before? The answer is no, nothing is. That’s not to say that all is bad, but NOTHING is the same.

That’s quite a thought, isn’t it?

And so on Day 3 of our trip to sort out an apartment so that it was ‘ suitable for my particular challenges ‘ we had the absolute pleasure of meeting up with Lee, my cheeky Scouser carer from a year ago, when accommodation circumstances did force me to actually live for a while in Portugal. Lee is a great fella, and we did have a laugh. For him laughing was probably far easier than it was for me at the time, as my spine metalwork was coming apart, I certainly had ‘ girlfriend issues ‘ ( definitely as much hers as mine, I’d say ), and I had no certainties regarding which country I’d be living in for some time to come… I had to sell a property and at the same time buy one in the UK to live in, as well as almost simultaneously deal with 2 other property transactions… all without actually being able to travel freely and ever ‘ be on site ‘ to keep track of. My mental state at that time was also most certainly unhappy, with my spasms continual, my 5 year anniversary of my paralysing crash looming dark upon me, my children completely absent from my life, and my divorce court stuff in full flow. When I caught a flight alone from Portugal ( unaccompanied for the first time since my mobility wrecking metalwork was inserted ) and headed for London I didn’t actually know whether my sale of one property and my purchase of somewhere to live in were actually going to go through, as both were actually happening as I was in the air, at 35,000 feet.
You can imagine the relief that I felt when I turned on my phone in Gatwick to check my emails, to find that I had actually sold, enabling me to fund the purchase in London.

Then I had to get to my new home, which had only a bed and not much else, and had to meet a new live in carer ( the dark presence that I named Boris ) for the first time, and then set about coordinating the move of furniture from portugal to London ( by van ) so that I had stuff in my new home. I’d also arranged to meet a online date on my first night back, and then go to Swansea ( Wales ) with her the next day to see The Killers… getting back at 3am.

When I think about it, I must have been f’ing mad to have tried all that, and actually get away with ALL of it at the same time? I think it says quite a lot about my mental state at the time – I cannot have been right in the head. That’s the thing about my head injury and brain concussion that I sustained in my crash – although at any given time I might think I’m thinking rationally, when I look back a year later, it’s definitely debatable that I was at all ‘ sane ‘ …

So what has changed a year on then? Well I’ve had major surgery to my spine metalwork ( hopefully for the last time ), I’ve got a lovely place that’s actually suitable for me to live in that I hope to stay in til I cop it, I’ve been through all my divorce court stuff ( though am still to hear a verdict – 3 weeks after it finished?! ), I am ( a little ) in touch with my kids, I have stability in my carer situation, I have a very modest place in Portugal that is now more or less workable for me ( making holidays far less emotionally stressful) and I have an amazing woman in my life, that I hope will stick around for ever.

Yes, a life in the year of me… maybe the next 12 months will be less eventful? Well surely they have to be…right?!?! 😂

On the way out to Portugal, I’d obviously declared my disability and wheelchair and inability to walk at all status, so was a tad surprised that I’d been assigned row 20 in the airplane – that’s a fair way from where they carry me on. Seeing the error of their ways, they reassigned my seat to row no 3.

After sticking me into the reassigned seat, a couple got on and immediately said to Wendy in hauty tones ‘ EXCUSE ME, but are you sure they’re your seats?’ Wendy very politely explained that as I was paralysed and can’t walk, Easyjet had put me towards the front in these seats.

The woman ( looking irritated ) said ‘ well I COMPLETELY understand your situation, BUT I booked these seats and I really don’t want to sit further back…’

Ok then, I’ll drag myself with just my arms out of this row and then drag myself 17 rows further back, and then into the seats back there … shall I … I thought…. as I’d hate you to be slightly inconvenienced….

I just thought it though, rather than said it, and left Easyjet to recompense her with a free bacon butty or something.

I do see, again and again, the petty strips of people that ought ( surely?) know better…