June 14th 2019

Antibiotics and painkillers then last night and today so far. It’s definitely better than yesterday so I’m safe to assume I do have an infected tooth.

I’ll put off a trip to the dental hospital for now though – I have other things in my mind that are preoccupying me more.

I have a few of my cycling buddies from that day coming over this evening, and some closer than close friends too, so it’ll be good, and Wendy is here too.

Distraction is again the strategy. I really don’t want to spend thinking about how and what went wrong that day, and as a consequence all the things that happened since, as I have learned to live with those consequences 24/7, 365 days a year. It’s amazing I survived that injury ( I’m told ) but people do, don’t they? Most don’t however, all that’s left is a memory of them on birthdays etc by those few that that even knew their birthdays, or the date they died. I’ve never been ‘ good ‘ with dates ( in that respect ) but I know lots of the living have tough times on the anniversary of a deceased parent or relative. Today should have been a death anniversary of mine, remembered only by a few I’m sure. Without my blog to prompt someone I doubt this day would be significant to anyone at all, other than myself, though of course it did change the course of several lives significantly. I don’t expect to hear from any/many of those though, as people think of themselves rather than me in terms of ‘ effects on lives ‘ which is understandable of course.

For me it shall remain the Worst Day of My Life, though of course I don’t remember any of it except for a few little bits before I crashed, some 8 hours before I went over the handlebars, and fucked myself up for good.

Last year I completely fell apart in a totally unanticipated outpouring of grief ( I suppose ) for a life lost, which is definitely an accurate description.

I have cobbled together a different life, which comes under the ‘ having made the best of it in the circumstances ‘ bracket.

I’m not dead yet, and no doubt I’ve lots more to experience. One thing is s for sure, I’m not just going to wait to die sat indoors in a wheelchair, watching archived episodes of Jeremy Kyle. I have stability now, and from that platform can spring some adventure I think…. not that I haven’t been adventurous these last 6 years, as I think this diary has recorded, to be fair. I don’t go back and read it, so I only have memories of having written stuff down, rather than ‘ entertaining myself ‘ by reading it. I think also it’s a fear of reminding myself of darker times than now, too, which isn’t constructive in any way.

So it’s my 6 year birthday today. The day I was redelivered, back from having stepped through Death’s Door. I don’t have and dark tunnel and bright light recollections though. Perhaps that’s because the light of being reborn paralysed isn’t a shiny new LED bulb, it’s far dimmer, more of a candlelight.

You get used to living by candlelight if that’s all you have though, right?

4 thoughts on “June 14th 2019

  1. I really don’t know what to say that would help or make you feel any better. I have read your blog from the beginning and as I have said before when I was looking after Philip reading this has helped me get through every day. It will be two years in September when Philip died and sometimes I struggle and don’t want to go on. I have thought about killing myself many times. I do go on because I admire your courage and determination and like you I don’t want to give up. Love to you Marge x x

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