The things I’ve been told by people I’ve met online dating vary from the very dull to the bloody outrageous.

I suddenly remembered one today.  This lady, about my age, had seen a guy for a few dates. Outwardly respectable and normal and nice, he was middle aged and drove a nice Mercedes. They had had sex, and it was all perfectly normal and orthodox. On about the fifth date he took her back to his place and gave her a parcel. He told her to go upstairs and put on the thing in the package. Inside the plastic was fake PVC bondage outfit, barely large enough for a child, she said. There was no way she was putting it on, she decided, and started to feel worried. She heard him calling, and then heard a rustling sound, and his footsteps coming up the stairs.

He appeared in the room wearing very little and holding a large ‘ industrial type ‘  roll of sellophane.

He looked at her, still dressed in her normal clothes and asked her why she hadn’t changed. She said there was no bloody way she was putting it on, and then asked why he was holding the roll of clingfilm.

Calm as you like he said that once she was changed into the gussetless bondage outfit, and with her arms pressed to her sides,  he was going to wrap clingfilm around and around her and then lie her down..but … not to worry, because he was going to make a hole where her mouth was, and another where her bum hole was…..

When she said ‘ you’re f’ing not!’ she said the most incredible thing was that he asked with a completely straight expression ‘ why not?’

I made a mental note to myself that however kinky I thought I was, I’m just a bloody beginner, obviously…

The next time you’re in Sainsbury’s and you see a nerdy looking chap buying clingfilm, stop and ask yourself why….?!