To Terry and Jade, on the birth of their first son, Marshall.

A boy couldn’t be born to two more lovely people.

X

I’m conscious that my posts are becoming less and less frequent.
I suppose that could be interpreted as me getting better, and less needful to share my thoughts..
That’s probably true, though life is still far from simple, and far from satisfactory ( when compared with ‘before’ ).

It’s very true to say that my friends and family continue to provide enough distraction to keep the demons out of my head.
In the last 10 days I’ve had lovely time with my parents, my brother, Stuart, his wife Mandy ( they enjoyed watching my beautiful Lily rowing on the Thames – I was too low to see over the fence..), my buddy Chris B from Uni, Rick, Quentin ( you know you must be ‘middle class’ when you’ve got a mate called Quentin …! ), Chrissy, Nick and Sophie, Pia, Irinder, Alice, Scott, Ina ( ex colleagues ), Adam in the Gym, Ken, Kev and Sam ( slightly heavy night out ), Dan, the paddlers at Richmond ( Roy, Dickon, Toby, Neal, Jeremy, and Frank, all helped by Richard H, and me a bit ), Cherie, Emma AF, Debs, my staff in Egham, Cressida, Liz, Marta, Caroline and Katrin.
There may have been others too..
Today I get to see Andy and Vanesssa and Julie too, plus Cherie again.
So I’ve not exactly been my myself have I?
Yet still I’m lonely, as no one else is with me in my head, in my new world of sadness, in a place unimaginable to me only 11 months ago.

I’ve made contact with a lady called Claire Lomas, who broke her back on a horse about 7 years ago.
She went on to walk the London Marathon in a robotic suit – and raised a fortune for Spinal Injury Research.
She sent me her book, and I’m a third through. Our stories, thus far are so similar, the horror of realising you’re paralysed , the total confusion, the morbid embarrassment of peeing yourself in public ( or worse ), the inability to do anything for yourself, the strange new misalignment in social situations and relationships, the joy of learning to sit ski, the suicidal thoughts ( and how best to carry out the deed – I think driving into the river would be easiest ),the wanting to give up but not being able to.
I’m going to see her speak at the Excel in London on June 12th – she’s kindly invited me.
I hope we get to chat in person.

What did strike me, from her book, is just how much I managed to do, pre injury, compared to her ( I’m sure she won’t mind me saying that ). I had 20 yrs more uninjured than her, which makes a big difference.
The other day I wrote a brief précis for my nephew in America of stuff I’d done in school / Uni and in sport after that.

This is what I wrote:

Hiya and happy birthday, Morgan

At school, or leaving school at 17, I got the award top scientist of my year for getting the best grades in Science A levels out of all the students.
I’d studied Physics, Chemistry and Biology.

At school, rugby was my main thing and I played for the school, as I described in my last email – I think I was probably recognised as the star player of my year, and played for Gwent Schools Under 15 and Under 17 for 3 years – that was called ‘playing for the County’ and was one level below playing for Wales Schools.

I also learnt to windsurf to a pretty good level whilst at school, and still did it from time to time until last year.

At Uni, I spent the first year injured -ankles – so didn’t play sport at all, though still did an awful lot of press ups and sit ups etc – acquiring the nick name ‘Russell the Muscle’.. Which has followed me to this day..!

I went on to play for the Uni First Team for my last 2 years there, and also played for Pontypool ( my home town, and one of the top 12 sides in Wales) whilst still 19, at Uni.
They would get crowds of 10,000 people watching, pretty cool for a kid.

I graduated from Uni with a degree in Ophthalmic Optics in 1987.

There then followed ten yrs or so of frustration with recurring hamstring injuries that stopped me doing many sports, especially rugby.
At 30, I finally sorted my injuries out and took up endurance sports.
I ran the London Marathon twice, New York twice and Chicago once.
I’d finish in the top 5 % of runners.
And I took up marathon kayaking too, at 30.

From my http://www.backontracktrust.com/blog/ :

Nearly every Good Friday since 1999 has been spent by me in a preparation frenzy for competing in the Devizes to Westminster Canoe Race, which starts tomorrow.
125 miles long, non stop, through the night, it’s been called ‘the Everest of canoe races ‘ ( and I thought it was til I did The Yukon 1000 mile Race in 2009 ), and is very, very hard.
Eleven times I’ve been in it and managed 2nd, 3rd, 4th, 5th, 6th and 7th places, as well as winning the Mixed Doubles one year with Roxanne.
I’d like to thank Henry, Piran, Rox, John, Randall and Stu for partnering me.
Three times I’ve not finished it, the most notable being the time I went virtually blind in my left eye two thirds of the way through, and felt compelled to stop, fearing for my eyesight ( which did recover 12 hours later ).
I’m one of a small group to be in the 1000 miles Club, by virtue of 8 finishes.
Yes, the Race was an obsession for me in some ways, and this is the first year in many that I’ve had no input into it at all.
I’m guessing that it’s now impossible for me to partake in,given you’re not allowed ‘assistance’. There are 77 portages, where you jump out and run with the boat around locks/ over islands, before putting the boat back in and jumping in it again.
It’s usually very cold at night , and falling in the river Thames is an omnipresent danger ( though in the 1200 miles of it I’ve canoed, I only fell in twice I think ), once I recall after a light was shone in my eyes, dazzling me, after which I stepped straight off the tow path into the deep river at 3am. I remember it taking 3 hours of canoeing before I stopped shivering.

Good luck to the 200 plus canoeists who are
doing it this year, at least it’ll be a ‘warm’ one, being a late Easter. Most of my former partners will be involved in either competing or supporting other crews.

One things’s for sure, I’d rather be suffering in a boat this weekend than being trapped in this wheelchair.

My annual obsession with the race is something that drove Dani to her wit’s end, me invariably training most days at 5.30 am for the 3 months before Easter.
Again, she’d far rather me be doing that than havin the daily grind of looking after me, post accident.

The Yukon was a cool experience ..
1000 miles in 6 days, 2 hours and 11 minutes – a record that is unbeaten thus far.

http://richmondcanoeclub.com/documents/2009/Yukon%201000/The%20Yukon%201000%20mile%20canoe.pdf

Yep, numerous cycle races – the Marmotte in the French Alps probably the hardest – google it.

The sort of race people train for for a year .. Me 6 weeks..

The Raid Gauloises – ‘the hardest race in the world ‘ at the time.

Legendary race, ridiculously hard.

The 1998 race was in the Andes – mostly Equador – 9 days long, non stop, trekking, running, ocean kayaking, rafting, white water swimming and mountaineering. Included summiting Cotopaxi, the worlds highest active volcano ( 5,897m at the top ). Was televised by Transworld Sport – for years, people were saying they’d seen me on TV.

We came 6th, the best result a first time team had ever achieved.

The second time was in the Himalayas in 2000- starting in Tibet and finishing in Nepal/ India.

Another 6 days of suffering .. Awful blisters and cold. Mid race my blood oxygen saturation dropped to 46% ( normal is 99-100) – enough apparently to kill most people in an operating theatre – let alone someone still standing in sun zero temperatures at 4,500 metres above sea level. But i got through it and we finished the race strongly.

So, I’d got a fair bit done, you could say – and really there was an awful lot more than the above.

I’ve left out my work achievements, my incredible friendships, the ridiculous number of parties, trips away, the joy of marriage and fatherhood, the amazing Scuba experiences, the off piste skiing times.. So much I’ve done pre injury.

I do now think, as many have encouraged me to already, that I should write a book, because let’s face it, I have had an extraordinary life, with just the funniest things happening to me ( a lot of which might be far too bad to put into print )

To think I could have broken my back at 21 and been denied most of them is inconceivable.

Overall then, I ought to be happy.

Ten close friends came round on Friday night, and stayed til about 2am.
It was the closest thing to my old life that I’ve had so far.
Although they had to sort of situate themselves around me, it seemed to work fine.
We spent most of the night in the garden – a first this year for sure.
At about midnight we all got treated to a sort of improvised ballet dance by my Amber, and Pia’s daughter..
Two ten year old’s doing a random ballet routine in the dark, outside, was more than funny, though no one actually laughed and let on.

I’ve got such kind friends. They all feel my pain so tangibly. They don’t try to move past my injury, they’re there living it with me.
I see it in their eyes, as they read it in mine, a reflection of what I feel.

We’re moving out of our house in October, this house that I thought I’d never leave, and had so many memories in, the only house my children know.
I’ll miss it and all its’ associations, the countless bike rides from here, all the times I walked from here to the river, carrying my kayak on my shoulder, often coming back with it, shivering violently yet still finding the pleasure in pain, as I made myself do successfully, for years and years.

I’ve not seen the upstairs for almost a year.
I won’t again unless I’m carried up for nostalgia’s sake, to say goodbye to the rooms I once frequented every day.

The new place will be a hundred times more ‘suitable’ for me, which will be great, but doesn’t numb the pain I feel for dislocating my family from its former state of contentment.

MAY
15
A day in town.
So on Wednesday I went to a work meeting in London.
Forty odd of my peers, plus a few to host the talk from ‘ Head Office ‘.

It’s been 10 months since I went to something like this, it being previously every 2 months or so.

Never having had a sense of self importance at these things, I never expected any kind of reaction from anyone at any of these gatherings.

This time though I felt trepidation at going, and did expect some kind of response, though didn’t know what type.

My partner, Sel, kindly got a taxi in with me, and we met our other partner, Helen, there.
So far so good.

A colleague I don’t know well, Kevan, looked at me in shock.
He hadn’t heard what had happened to me, he said, and was nothing but caring thereafter.

In general there wasn’t a great deal of reaction otherwise for a couple of hours.
Lunch came and we all communed in another room.
A few came and chatted, and were very nice, but a lot didn’t make any eye contact at all.
I didn’t let it bother me. I mean, should it have done? People are entitled to behave as they like, right?

The meeting reconvened, and eventually ended.
One of the hosts left early, and walked right past me on the way out. I’ve probably known this person for easily ten years, yet didn’t get so much as a look.

I’m pleased to say that at the end, most people I knew did come and talk to me and made me feel welcome, and I was bought quite a few drinks in the traditional post meeting few hours in the pub.

Overall it was a good day, with the odd little exception.
There was no wheelchair access to the meeting room, necessitating a four man lift up and down the stairs four times, and perhaps that could have been thought out better, but hey, no one minded and I didn’t care about having to be carried particularly.

It’s another step that I’ve taken.
At some point I’ll go to much bigger seminars and see hundreds of peers.
I hate my newfound wheeled status with a vengeance, and feel very self conscious
in front of people that I know knew me before, with legs that worked.
There are those that for reasons of their own can’t bring themselves to look me in the eye and smile at me, but I think that those might turn out to be in the minority, ultimately.

Or I hope so.

And that’s good news!

So nice to be with Saskia at her birthday party lunch on Sunday.
I was the Best Man at her’s and Dan’s wedding about 4 years ago.
That was a fantastic day.
No one had trusted me with that duty before then, I think rightly afraid of what I might say in my speech…
But Dan did, and I duly embarrassed him.
On Sunday a few people that I’d not seen since that day came and mentioned my speech, saying if was the funniest Best Man’s speech they’d heard thus far. Ok, it was a bit risqué, but I got away with it… Just.
Thanks so much to Cress for spending half the day with me, and taking me all over the place, and to Berj for taking me home.

Great to seem Emma ( the Tequila Slammer ) yesterday – such a top girl , and then to be taken to the cinema ( and to dinner ) by two former staff/ colleagues – Irum and Farah. We saw The Other Woman – Cameron Diaz etc, and against expectations it was really funny!

Today I see my buddy, Chris, from Uni, then train with Adam, then go to a hand clinic in North London ( with my parents ) to try to get my very painful left thumb treated in some way.
I really hope there is some resolution.
Yesterday I went to work again to mentor some junior staff, plus try a wheelchair that stands me up, to see if I can use it at work.
Great news – it looks like it will enable me to do a lot more than I thought, providing we change the room furniture too.
Pia came with me, as usual, and was her consistent beautiful self.

So.. I’ve been busy, you could say.
Tomorrow I have a work meeting in London for half the day too.

No rest for the wicked, right?

It’s 2am and I’m awake.
My bloody legs are jerking and stopping me sleeping.

I’ll be like a zombie tomorrow at this rate.

I feel really down and want a way out of this.
I’m so sick of it already, and I could have another 30 years.

I really don’t deserve this.

So many people to thank!
My wife is away for a bit, and has taken most of my ‘helpers’ with her.
Double whammy for me.

Never mind, I’ve had volunteers to fill those petite shoes.

Thanks to the lovely Lisa for dinner on Thursday ( we were gonna go to the cinema , but if you’re not that keen on Marvel superheroes or Cameron Diaz, you’re stuffed ).
Thanks to Trudy and to Cress for their care and help in the mornings – I need less help, but having someone around is reassuring, still.

Thanks to Kim for hundreds of things that she does for me.

Thanks to the awesome Kev Nielsen for coming to Stoke Mandeville on Friday, then to the Stand Up wheelchair place with me ( good bit of kit, that ), and generally doing a lot of lifting and carrying, plus making me laugh a lot.

Thanks to Marta for her help on Friday afternoon. Such a great girl!

Thanks to Dan and Sas, and their relatives, for a top night on Friday, and for not dropping me on the deck in the various taxi wheelchair transfers… Few close shaves though, it’s gotta be said ( though we did see the funny side,always ).

Thanks to Larry and Tele, in advance, for tonight.

Christ, I’m watching Lily out rowing on the Thames ( for years I took my kayak and paddled alongside her ) and it is absolutely pissing down.
She’s just come in and walked past me.
Two words, she managed… ‘ not funny ‘..

Yep, I’m with her there!

Yesterday, I drove to work without my spirit guide, Pia, following me, met with some lovely staff – Barbara and Vicki, and Debs – attended a little staff training, then facilitated in optometrist training for a couple of hours, on the subject of ‘ethical scenarios in optometry practice’ – an area full of pitfalls to the unwary, I can tell you.
And then, after Scott had helped be back in the motor, drove back – M25 and M4, so the real deal, you might say.
I felt it went quite well, though did feel a little detached from the real world on occasion – plus the real world of practice policy – it feels like I’ve been away for about 10 years.
The more I go in though, the better it will be, through familiarity.

Still not happy being seen in this chair though, I have to say.

Finally, thanks to Nev for pushing me to Poundland – for head torch batteries for Amber’s school camping trip.
You can say what you like about Poundland, but for sweets, deodorant and certain batteries, you can’t go wrong!

Brilliant to see my Yukon 1000 mile canoe race partner, Rob, today, for tea and a 3 hour chat, during which time he tidied up my shed – my former pride and joy, and now a total tip… Well, until today.
Thanks Rob!

Also, Chrissie popped in and gave me an hour of hand reflexology …
How new age am I ?

Felt nice though.