Spasms off the scale. Violent jerking of both legs. No let up.

I’m so on edge all of the time, and have been for ages.
I’m going to Charing Cross to be X-rayed.
I dont know, but I’m thinking maybe I dislocated a hip when I cartwheeled down a long escalator in mid December.
Logically it doesn’t make that much sense if I escaped fairly unscathed from that ( other than a deep cut to my chin and another to my left thumb
– treated by me with half a tube of superglue ) Yes I should have gone to hospital, but it was 11pm on a Saturday night In London and that weekend was a nurse’s strike. Well I wasn’t in pain, was I? But I’m not going to be, am I? I can’t feel anything…

I’m up against it in the battle against my ex wife, who actually has no just case at all yet hounds me. My daughters support her. It seems most people do, and I’m called unreasonable etc.
Am I uncomplimentary about her? Yep. If you walked in my shoes so would you be. I want her to leave me alone and to stop poisoning my kids. I’ve dated loads of divorced women. All of them say they don’t poison the kids. They all dislike their exes but they know their kids need a dad.
Id like Danielle to be paralysed and In a wheelchair and then not see her daughters for 7 years to see how it feels. In reality though, had this situation been in reverse, no matter how much I disliked her, I’d MAKE my daughters see her. Make them.
So yes, leave me alone Danielle, please. Stop the persecution. I would like to very much leave you alone. What if I offer to contact Space X and pay for a Mars ticket for you? I can’t stretch to the return ticket but it’s probably nice on Mars – the views n all.
Is that unkind to write that? Well obviously it’s not going to actually happen, so it’s black humour. If Elon Musk is reading this though, email me.

I seem to be living an altered reality tbh.

If I am in extreme pain that I can’t feel, then the amount of stress hormones floating around me would be extreme. I don’t seem to be cut any slack by most people though. Just Mark,Mike, Leigh, Chris and Charlie. Oh and always Gina G. Good to have some support
( sorry 17/3/23 edit – that’s an incomplete list. I have some very lovely and supportive people in my life. Without them I wouldn’t be here. As in alive )

Having absolutely and unequivocally decided to end my life ( on Monday night ) because I just can’t cope with my unrelenting spasms, they have stopped.

Is that a cruel reprieve before they come back, or not ?

I’m nothing but honest ( although told by my detractors that I’m not – of course ) and this isn’t a cry for attention or anything ( sod that notion ).

I’m now confused as to what might come next.

My legs are as stiff as planks of wood, so it’s not like it’s ok, but my mind gets so dark in every way, and after months of this then I’m very much on that knife edge.

My spasms don’t stop.
All day and all night.
I think maybe I did something bad in my multiple cartwheel down an escalator.
Can I get an appointment to investigate? I’ve tried and tried. Nope. Spinal cord injury centres aren’t user friendly.

Only one way to escape the spasms.

Thanks in advance to Toby for his help.

Mystic Meg is dead. Bit of a shock to us but obviously not to her…

Great news. My lodger is moving out. Blimey she’s been painful. The room is going to be more use to me than the rent money is!

I had a ‘ test drive’ today in a WAV.

That’s a Wheelchair Accessible Ve-hic-le ..

Wheel up the ( automatic ) come out of the back ramp… into the front seat position and off you go. Ok well it takes bloody ages to get in and get in position.. but then … off you go!

It was a bit Mr Magoo.. as they always are, but no matter. I can’t bend so I’m very upright in the car so headroom is an issue.
They have a hole in the roof that my head pokes out of, with a glass dome so I can see.
All good unless I crash and roll the car… because my head will come off.

No matter. Small price to pay.

Bit pricey, obvs.

3 years in and only now I have Covid.
I do feel rough, fair play. Gagging and coughing and shivering.
And it was my carer that gave it to me!!

Anyway, never mind. Had worse.
Wearing a big jumper and a scarf and sat in front of a powerful heater. Still cold though.

On a lighter note – Shirley Valentine at the Duke of York , with Sheridan Smith… a must see.

Thankfully I didn’t at that point have any symptoms. I feel too rough to go anywhere at all so I’m glad it’s AFTER Shirley ..

My UTI just won’t go. This is new territory and makes me really agitated. It gets a little better, then worse.
I feel really stressed and every little problem I get ( and they are continuous ) makes me feel upset/ annoyed/ frustrated.

I’m on a train to Alexandra Palace.
I shouldn’t be going. I should just quit.
But I don’t.

Not going doesn’t cure anything- that’s the trouble.

Triride back, thank God. Getting around without it, fast, isn’t possible.
As I am going to Alexandra Palace tomorrow, and the closest accessible tube station is miles away… I need my Tri.

And thank you sooooooooooooooo much Gina G for picking it up for me!

They said both batteries had blown. Ouch. At £625 each that’s not funny. I had a second set in any case for such eventualities and I’m using those.
One of the buggered ones did come back to life after leaving it on charge all night so only £625 down rather than £1250.

I think it’s one of the chargers that is faulty. I don’t know which one though, so I’m using a different one altogether now. I really don’t want to risk blowing another battery just because I’ve plugged in a faulty £20 charger to it. I can’t ‘ test ‘ the chargers because I’m not an electrics expert..

Ha! Having said that I’ve just found out how, online, and just ordered a multimeter.
Only £9.99.
I think I’ll be testing all my chargers! I have bloody loads 😂

And a thingy to test if batteries like AA and AAA etc is only £3.99
Well that’s gonna be handy. Let’s face it, you just can’t tell if a device is broken or it’s because of a shot battery.

But hang on, you CAN tell. Here’s something I’ve just learned. Working batteries don’t bounce, but duff ones do. Who’d have thought?! You just hold the AAA a few inches above a hard surface ( not wood ) with the +ve end uppermost, and let go.
If it bounces after impact it’s dead.
Good ones just stay down apparently.

Genius.
No more ‘ if in doubt chuck it ‘ – just drop it and you can tell!

See, you knew there was a reason you read this blog 😂

And now my Triride has broken down again.

Again tho – not whilst in speeding traffic.
Again in a ‘ safe place’.

Someone up there is looking out for me.

Thanks to the 2 guys who were kind enough to push me.

Say what you like about black guys.. but they are all very helpful when it comes to me.
More helpful than the average white fella anyway.

I can now not meet my refugee buddy at Richmond theatre. Sorry Omer.
And he can’t go as my help, if I’m not there

Ffs

I mean he could have tried but he said he wouldn’t go without me. Bless him.

I shouldn’t complain though.
Not while those in Turkey, Syria and Ukraine are going through their terror and grief.

Someone asked me today if my spasms are painful.

Thought I’d post my reply on here as well.

No.
Imagine you’re sat on a plane and there’s a kid in the seat behind that kicks the back of your seat every 30 seconds for the whole overnight flight.
And he kicks it in a variety of ways. Sometimes very hard and sometimes less hard but over and over again.

Imagine you’re In that plane for the rest of your life.
Yes, there’s a tv screen you can watch.

Oh and you can’t get up for the whole flight.
You have to pee into a pot without leaving the seat.
But you can’t feel your genitals and you can’t push your legs apart because they don’t work and they involuntary squeeze together all by themselves.

And the people around you have no idea and get huffy if you show any sign of being ‘ short ‘ with any of them, even once in the whole flight
Well that’s my life, all of the time.