Here’s a ( not very funny ) story.
Readers of this diary will recall a lady I went out with, whose name begins with L and ends in izzy
Moneyed, ever such middle class airs, particular in every way ( in a way that only lots of money can make you ) obsessed with ‘ correct behaviour and standards’. Definitely a product of the rarified atmosphere she lives in in ‘ the better part’ ( actually one of the acknowledged 2 BEST roads, don’t you know ) of stockbroker Sevenoaks.
A wealthy widow ( sadly lost her stockbroker husband 10 years ago to illness ) – the ( obviously not making up for death ) silver linings being the very large life insurance kicking in, with her as the recipient.
Definitely a nice lady. If you met her you’d like her. Not that comfortable socially though, down to her many insecurities. In my experience, those with from the outside the least to worry about, can exhibit insecurities about things that normal people don’t have the luxury to worry about.
Somehow she found me attractive ( probably because I was ABSOLUTELY NOTHING like the posh boys she’d always been with.
She made no secret of her thought that we’d get married and always be together. I too definitely had strong feelings ( but a lot of misgivings ) for her. Polite Society definitely isn’t my thing, and for sure someone in a wheelchair isn’t Polite Society’s thing. It’s definitely a case of ‘ I say, do you HAVE to bring that wheelchair in here!? It doesn’t go with my colour scheme’. You get my drift.
We split up after 18 months. We had split up a few times prior to that ( well never a good sign! ) but we kept in touch probably daily ( perpetuated by her more than I )
Anyway… her son did his GCSE’s and went to Reading Festival. Nice lad, small for his age – just behind the curve – but naive in a way that never seeing normal life ( and the mean streets ) will make you. I can’t imagine he’ll ever have to meet any poor people. Well why would he ? Guaranteed career in the City and oodles of cash.
Well yes, assuming he doesn’t do anything to jeopardise those prospects….
( Second child not the brightest spark – self obsessed instagram First Generation) . Social media f***s kids ( particularly girls ) up, and she is a Prime Example.
Without a father figure ( perhaps as a sterner presence ) the kids ( obviously- because that’s what kids do ) ruled the roost – particularly the daughter. Mum did an awful lot of running around for them.. in a way the visiting paraplegic from a strict upbringing in a non moneyed Welsh household.. would not approve . Yes my dad was strict – too strict but hey that was how it was, and of course your upbringing does determine a lot of how you think.
‘ L ‘ must have had quite a different upbringing to my own, let’s say. ‘ Spiritual’ ( some might say bonkers – you know – visits a Fortune Teller and believes in the Afterlife and spirits etc, and that ‘ the Universe will decide your fate, rather than you etc etc ) but definitely a genuinely generous nature ( excessive cash does of course make that easier – though FOR SURE lots of the most well off are by far the least charitable ) and most definitely very very giving of herself and her time to those in need.
A complicated lady, for sure – seemingly always in mental turmoil about something or other. Glass half empty for sure. I think I did change her ( and she said over and over that I did, very much ) and she implied she was grateful for having met me. I’m not at all convinced I’m post injury any way ‘ a catch ‘ … but hey, neither am I an ordinary experience for a lady.
Back to the story.
L picks up son from Reading Festival. Son is ‘ pissed, dishevelled, smelly and high on Ket and other pills ‘. That’s a quote, word for word.
Right then… I thought that her words ( that description ) was disapproving at the least. Personally I’m VERY anti drugs. They mess you up. My ex Brother in Law is a former addict ( now a drugs counsellor ) and my ex sister in law is also a substance addict ( also a counsellor – for now.. ) Drug and alcohol abuse talk was a daily staple in my former ( in law ) household. There are countless ruined lives out there, and it’s going to get worse because drugs are far more readily available and cheap, and also the pills and powders are far more likely to not be ‘ pure ‘ now as the drug manufacturers cut the stuff with all sorts of crazy extra crap that’s bad for you. The dealers obviously want you to become addicted to their products.. well that’s just sound business sense ..but comes with a total disregard for your health and life.
There’s EVERY REASON NOT TO TAKE PILLS IN A TENT IN READING, AT 16
Being on ‘ texting acquaintance ‘ with said son, I sent him a message. I knew L wouldn’t ‘ deal with it ‘ so out of an absolute concern for said son, out of absolute concern for mum, who’d already lost her husband, out of absolute concern for younger sister and the prospect of older brother coming to harm / death… I didn’t hold back. I said it extremely straight – taking pills is a fool’s game and risks every aspect of your future – your health, your family, your happiness, your mental state, and your career.
Best avoided Lad.
Obviously I’m not his dad. He’s gone. That’s tragic. I am A dad though and do think like a logical human being, PARTICULARLY about health. Look at the bloody state of me. Totally buggered. You only get the one body – don’t poison it or damage it wilfully, ffs. I KNOW what it’s like to lose everything – it’s crap. Really really crap.
So yep, I didn’t hold back. Not in the least. DIRECT and HARD HITTING I was. Clearly the lad has has a lot of anti drugs advice in school, delivered in a polite and measured way.
Well that hasn’t bloody worked, has it ?! First opportunity, first festival with tents and he’s put all sorts down his throat.
Well clearly’ measured’ hasn’t worked. In steps DIRECT ( me ) What’s there to lose? Everything (!!) to gain.
I’m not in the least bit bothered about ‘ upsetting him ‘. A telling off involves upsetting the recipient. That’s the WHOLE BLOODY POINT! When I got told off by Dad/ Mum/ teacher/ headmaster/ policeman it was upsetting for me. That was the desired effect! If I wasn’t in the least bit bothered then clearly it didn’t have the desired effect. You can’t make an omelette without smashing the bloody eggs.
I sent the message and got on with my day.
I was surprised to get a message from L saying she was grateful for my texting him. Not surprised because she was grateful, more surprised that he’d told his mum. If that had been me at 16 I’d have felt chastised and guilty. I wouldn’t have wanted to share that with anyone tbh.
Now a day later it all changed. Another message – It wasn’t my place to have sent the text and it’s caused problems. He’s upset and she’s having to deal with an upset son.
Well DERRR no surprises there. He’s embarrassed she’s told me he’s taken hard drugs at 16 and is now distracting her from his position of guilt by shifting blame to mother.
Except she’s totally falling for it. All of a sudden I’ve made everything worse.
Not for a moment is it a case of ‘stick to the message and the chastisement, to emphasise the absolute error of his ways’ nope. … now it’s me ( the fella that’s taken the utterly sensible and LEGAL ) perspective. It’s FIVE YEARS inside for just possession of Ketamine. It’s for tranquillising bloody horses, not for naive 16 year old boys. I don’t back down and tell her not to fall for the lad’s tactics.
In the midst of this week long disagreement, I do see Lily for a coffee. I tell her about my argument with L and ask her what she thinks about drug taking, and Ketamine, at festivals. She doesn’t do any drugs, and said that Reading Festival was definitely not a smart place to have faith in a drug dealer’s product. She wasn’t particularly moved otherwise.
I mentioned Lily’s comment to L of Sevenoaks.
This same argument goes on and on and on. I don’t shift from my position, at all He’s done a stupid thing and it’s an adult’s RESPONSIBILITY to tell him so. However that’s not how she sees it. It’s ‘ the way I said it ‘. Well damn right I said, it’s clearly been very effective. He’s upset and licking his wounds.
She says that ‘ shaming someone isn’t the way to get the message across’.
Right, it seems that the very principle of the judicial system has passed her by. Shame and guilt ( and internment / corporal punishment ) are all we have, and the spine of the deterrent message. Once the kid is an addict you do have to alter the strategy. By then they don’t care and addiction therapy is very different, but when you are 16 a proper telling off HAS to be right.
So guess what I’m called then, for sticking to my position ( that a 16 year old, naive ( and therefore vulnerable) lad shouldn’t swallow a load of dodgy pills in a tent whilst already really drunk … ) because here’s the really logical and obvious conclusion …
That I’m a ‘ NARCISSIST and an ABUSER ‘
The first because I won’t say I’m wrong about ‘ shaming’ her son and the second because now that the lad feels a bit upset about what I said.. then actually it’s ME that is responsible for whole situation he finds himself in.
Ahhhh of course. That all makes perfect sense.
I’d overheard the ladies of Sevenoaks talking a few times about the ‘ ideal husband type’.
Labrador Husband was the nickname – best type to have apparently.
And the translation?
Well behaved and does what he’s told.
And it’s me that has to find fault with myself?
That’ll presumably be that I don’t do what I’m told, by L then ….
Thé arguing continues and insults are exchanged. I was quite calm until she told me that I’d never been a parent… and my family are all dysfunctional. That really pissed me off. I have to say. I gave it back with both barrels…
Now for the L Killer Move. The 53 year old woman phones my 21 year old daughter Lily, whom she’s never met, and tells her that I’ve abused and bullied both her and her son, and they are both traumatised.
‘Your Dad is a narcissistic abuser’.
You might think my daughter would be loyal first and foremost to me?
But no -there follows a long text from her to me …..about how she’s completely ashamed of me. Ahhh so now shaming is an acceptable notion? Well that doesn’t make a lot of sense ?? She obviously didn’t read the memo. …
So I haven’t heard from Lily for 3 months ( and I sense that I won’t for a long time )
Well hey, that girl actually doesn’t deserve a dad like me.. I shall still give both her and her sister Xmas presents – as I always do even if they refuse to see me .. but that will be the last time. And shame works both ways . L will do what she always does – shower people with lunch dates she pays for, and offers to use her ever so plush ski chalet – so my daughter will no doubt take advantage ( can’t really blame her for that temptation! ) But clearly my daughter is making a choice here – her Dad or L. That decision is hers alone.
And as for Lizzy – well she will only come out of her bonkers world when one of her kids befalls some drug induced tragedy. A self confessed drug use history ( including Ket ) she’s right down there with the youth. Right of passage apparently. 👍
Personally I wouldn’t recommend you leave your teenage kids with her for the weekend. Zero chance of her taking adequate ( law abiding) responsibility for them. Leave them with someone who’s going to be able to properly watch over them. Like a brain injured paraplegic for example.
😳
PS you could say ‘ what’s this to do with your injury ( if you think that this diary is about being paralysed ) I suppose? Well this diary doesn’t have any rules about content, other than the ‘ consequences of my accident’.
If I hadn’t crashed that day, I don’t think my life would have altered a lot. I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t have got divorced, my kids would have carried on loving me, I’d never have online dated, and I’d never have met vindictive women like L. I’d definitely not have had a bloody blog! Pre injury I was very private with my emotions. In fact I don’t think I used to have many of them! My head injury has altered the way I am a LOT. For example there’s no way I’d have openly discussed being incontinent. Blimey that’s a pretty embarrassing thing for a start.
Also what’s altered, since I’ve been wheelchair bound, is that some think I can be really easily put down/ dismissed/ discarded and I’ll be defenceless and not ‘ fight back ‘. Well sure – you are welcome to test that theory.. and see if I let you walk all over me and treat me unfairly.
That.. was the motivation for this post.
Don’t just dismiss the cripple as ( completely ) defenceless.
(At the moment I’m again up against my ex wife in divorce Court financial dealings. She seems to think it’s fine to be factually completely inaccurate about me, and also about her own life. Well it’s not fine. At all. The Truth will out and justice will win the day. ( Amen )
I did contact another person that L was once very very involved with. He said, and I quote ‘ I would say she’s clinical, calculating and lacks empathy’ and ‘ L has a lot of money and she uses it to get what she wants’.
It’s easy to find another view of someone, from the one put out by their close circle. It’s only once you’ve left the circle that you’d even have cause to enquire, of course. I was extremely surprised that L did what she did. Clearly malice is a character trait not far beneath her surface.
How do I feel about both their behaviours?
Ashamed – obviously.
[ as if I need to justify my position, but I will
‘Effects of Mixing Ketamine and Alcohol
There is a real danger in mixing ketamine and alcohol.
Because ketamine and alcohol affect different neurotransmitter systems in a way that ultimately results in increased inhibitory brain signaling, some of the physiological effects of combining ketamine and alcohol are synergized (i.e., similar effects are amplified), by the simultaneous use of both substances. Studies have found that ketamine produces subjective alcohol-like effects in users, which further suggests that combining the substances could result in over-intoxication.10
closeup of a blurred young caucasian man curled up with his hands in his head
Using ketamine with alcohol increases the risk of memory loss, slowed breathing, coma, and death. Users may be unaware of how much the substances are affecting them due to combined intoxication. In examining the death of a British teenager, the pathologist in the case stated that the alcohol/ketamine combination was a contributing factor in her death: “In combination, she actually caused more damage than if she had taken ketamine alone.”7,11,12
In the case of overdose deaths from recreational use of ketamine, forensic investigators have found concentrations of ketamine in the blood ranging from 0.1 to 7.0 mg/liter when used in conjunction with other drugs, including alcohol. Of 23 deaths in the United Kingdom between 1993 and 2006 in which ketamine was identified in the user’s system, only 4 of those involved only ketamine; the other 19 were attributed to a mixing of substances. A study in New York City found similar rates, with 12 out of 15 deaths attributed to polydrug overdoses involving ketamine.’13 ]
I remember one of my own kids, in a period where she wasn’t talking to me.. telling her 13 year old mate that it was ok to have her ‘ sodastream’ Cartridges delivered to where I was living, so that her own parents wouldn’t realise she was snorting ‘ nos’ ( nitrous dioxide/ laughing gas )
When I opened said package because I was suspicious and messaged daughter to tell her what I’d found, there was teenage fury ( because it’s illegal to open another’s mail ). I said I was cool to chat with the police to confess to my crime. That seemed to annoy her even more though.
Then I said I was happy to hand the package to the girl’s dad. That induced even more rage.
So it’s a One Rule for All kids I have. Not saved for miscreants from leafy Sevenoaks
But hey, I’ve never ‘ been a parent’ have I Lizzy … I forgot – sorry.
Shoulda got ‘er gear delivered to Lizzy’s crib, down in the ‘oaks. She’s a kool mum. She won’t grass you up to your parents.. 🙄