I knew that Dani was bluffing, and she’d go on holiday. My God, she deserves a holiday from me and everything about  me. These last 3 years have been bad, even worse than the previous 5 plus years where I’m now told that I wasn’t nice either.  I hadn’t realised that

She and Amber leave in less than 2 hours, for fun in the sun.

Lily FaceTime called from her ski trip just now. She was so happy, so beautiful and so healthy. Amber is chasing her cat around our flat and laughing. She too is so happy and is so well  They could not feel more different about the world than I do.  The contrast is so painful – seeing  their joy and remembering how it felt to be that way – so long ago now – a dim memory never to be experienced again .

I know that Dani will look after them and that she can find them another Dad, a better one, who has  bits that all work properly.

I’ve been crying so much these last 2 or 3 days and can’t continue like this

My spasms continue as usual and I resent my legs  increasingly and want to stick sharp objects deep into them to give them something to really spasm about.

Which is what I will do.