The thought of not being there for many more months is at the moment almost unbearable. 

Whilst the days are tolerable, the time between my friends leaving and me sleeping is my opportunity to go either way with my vision of the near and longer future. 

I wish for a turning back of the clock, never having organised that bike trip. Dani today said that for some reason she had a vision of something going wrong. 

She and my girls have been absolutely rock solid in their support for me since that fateful day, despite the heavy impact on their lives. 

I so hope they’re happy still with me as a burden. For how long can they maintain their regular visits to see me before they perhaps, understandably, want to do other things?

These are dark thoughts I know but this diary is about how life is now, not just an attempt to spout optimism on a daily basis. 

I don’t believe anyone in my situation, at my stage, can have been truly accepting of it. 

I yearn for a way back to my former life. 

Lying alone night after night in a hospital bed is not how I wanted it to be.