Ten close friends came round on Friday night, and stayed til about 2am.
It was the closest thing to my old life that I’ve had so far.
Although they had to sort of situate themselves around me, it seemed to work fine.
We spent most of the night in the garden – a first this year for sure.
At about midnight we all got treated to a sort of improvised ballet dance by my Amber, and Pia’s daughter..
Two ten year old’s doing a random ballet routine in the dark, outside, was more than funny, though no one actually laughed and let on.

I’ve got such kind friends. They all feel my pain so tangibly. They don’t try to move past my injury, they’re there living it with me.
I see it in their eyes, as they read it in mine, a reflection of what I feel.

We’re moving out of our house in October, this house that I thought I’d never leave, and had so many memories in, the only house my children know.
I’ll miss it and all its’ associations, the countless bike rides from here, all the times I walked from here to the river, carrying my kayak on my shoulder, often coming back with it, shivering violently yet still finding the pleasure in pain, as I made myself do successfully, for years and years.

I’ve not seen the upstairs for almost a year.
I won’t again unless I’m carried up for nostalgia’s sake, to say goodbye to the rooms I once frequented every day.

The new place will be a hundred times more ‘suitable’ for me, which will be great, but doesn’t numb the pain I feel for dislocating my family from its former state of contentment.

MAY
15
A day in town.
So on Wednesday I went to a work meeting in London.
Forty odd of my peers, plus a few to host the talk from ‘ Head Office ‘.

It’s been 10 months since I went to something like this, it being previously every 2 months or so.

Never having had a sense of self importance at these things, I never expected any kind of reaction from anyone at any of these gatherings.

This time though I felt trepidation at going, and did expect some kind of response, though didn’t know what type.

My partner, Sel, kindly got a taxi in with me, and we met our other partner, Helen, there.
So far so good.

A colleague I don’t know well, Kevan, looked at me in shock.
He hadn’t heard what had happened to me, he said, and was nothing but caring thereafter.

In general there wasn’t a great deal of reaction otherwise for a couple of hours.
Lunch came and we all communed in another room.
A few came and chatted, and were very nice, but a lot didn’t make any eye contact at all.
I didn’t let it bother me. I mean, should it have done? People are entitled to behave as they like, right?

The meeting reconvened, and eventually ended.
One of the hosts left early, and walked right past me on the way out. I’ve probably known this person for easily ten years, yet didn’t get so much as a look.

I’m pleased to say that at the end, most people I knew did come and talk to me and made me feel welcome, and I was bought quite a few drinks in the traditional post meeting few hours in the pub.

Overall it was a good day, with the odd little exception.
There was no wheelchair access to the meeting room, necessitating a four man lift up and down the stairs four times, and perhaps that could have been thought out better, but hey, no one minded and I didn’t care about having to be carried particularly.

It’s another step that I’ve taken.
At some point I’ll go to much bigger seminars and see hundreds of peers.
I hate my newfound wheeled status with a vengeance, and feel very self conscious
in front of people that I know knew me before, with legs that worked.
There are those that for reasons of their own can’t bring themselves to look me in the eye and smile at me, but I think that those might turn out to be in the minority, ultimately.

Or I hope so.

And that’s good news!

So nice to be with Saskia at her birthday party lunch on Sunday.
I was the Best Man at her’s and Dan’s wedding about 4 years ago.
That was a fantastic day.
No one had trusted me with that duty before then, I think rightly afraid of what I might say in my speech…
But Dan did, and I duly embarrassed him.
On Sunday a few people that I’d not seen since that day came and mentioned my speech, saying if was the funniest Best Man’s speech they’d heard thus far. Ok, it was a bit risqué, but I got away with it… Just.
Thanks so much to Cress for spending half the day with me, and taking me all over the place, and to Berj for taking me home.

Great to seem Emma ( the Tequila Slammer ) yesterday – such a top girl , and then to be taken to the cinema ( and to dinner ) by two former staff/ colleagues – Irum and Farah. We saw The Other Woman – Cameron Diaz etc, and against expectations it was really funny!

Today I see my buddy, Chris, from Uni, then train with Adam, then go to a hand clinic in North London ( with my parents ) to try to get my very painful left thumb treated in some way.
I really hope there is some resolution.
Yesterday I went to work again to mentor some junior staff, plus try a wheelchair that stands me up, to see if I can use it at work.
Great news – it looks like it will enable me to do a lot more than I thought, providing we change the room furniture too.
Pia came with me, as usual, and was her consistent beautiful self.

So.. I’ve been busy, you could say.
Tomorrow I have a work meeting in London for half the day too.

No rest for the wicked, right?

It’s 2am and I’m awake.
My bloody legs are jerking and stopping me sleeping.

I’ll be like a zombie tomorrow at this rate.

I feel really down and want a way out of this.
I’m so sick of it already, and I could have another 30 years.

I really don’t deserve this.

So many people to thank!
My wife is away for a bit, and has taken most of my ‘helpers’ with her.
Double whammy for me.

Never mind, I’ve had volunteers to fill those petite shoes.

Thanks to the lovely Lisa for dinner on Thursday ( we were gonna go to the cinema , but if you’re not that keen on Marvel superheroes or Cameron Diaz, you’re stuffed ).
Thanks to Trudy and to Cress for their care and help in the mornings – I need less help, but having someone around is reassuring, still.

Thanks to Kim for hundreds of things that she does for me.

Thanks to the awesome Kev Nielsen for coming to Stoke Mandeville on Friday, then to the Stand Up wheelchair place with me ( good bit of kit, that ), and generally doing a lot of lifting and carrying, plus making me laugh a lot.

Thanks to Marta for her help on Friday afternoon. Such a great girl!

Thanks to Dan and Sas, and their relatives, for a top night on Friday, and for not dropping me on the deck in the various taxi wheelchair transfers… Few close shaves though, it’s gotta be said ( though we did see the funny side,always ).

Thanks to Larry and Tele, in advance, for tonight.

Christ, I’m watching Lily out rowing on the Thames ( for years I took my kayak and paddled alongside her ) and it is absolutely pissing down.
She’s just come in and walked past me.
Two words, she managed… ‘ not funny ‘..

Yep, I’m with her there!

Yesterday, I drove to work without my spirit guide, Pia, following me, met with some lovely staff – Barbara and Vicki, and Debs – attended a little staff training, then facilitated in optometrist training for a couple of hours, on the subject of ‘ethical scenarios in optometry practice’ – an area full of pitfalls to the unwary, I can tell you.
And then, after Scott had helped be back in the motor, drove back – M25 and M4, so the real deal, you might say.
I felt it went quite well, though did feel a little detached from the real world on occasion – plus the real world of practice policy – it feels like I’ve been away for about 10 years.
The more I go in though, the better it will be, through familiarity.

Still not happy being seen in this chair though, I have to say.

Finally, thanks to Nev for pushing me to Poundland – for head torch batteries for Amber’s school camping trip.
You can say what you like about Poundland, but for sweets, deodorant and certain batteries, you can’t go wrong!

Brilliant to see my Yukon 1000 mile canoe race partner, Rob, today, for tea and a 3 hour chat, during which time he tidied up my shed – my former pride and joy, and now a total tip… Well, until today.
Thanks Rob!

Also, Chrissie popped in and gave me an hour of hand reflexology …
How new age am I ?

Felt nice though.

Me, in Richmond Canoe Club, trying my best, without being able to demonstrate it,to teach paddle technique.

So on Sunday I had my first chat with Micheal Appleton.
He was suggested as a person I could talk to, to bear my soul, to help me get through ‘this’.

Firstly, he’s a very nice man, probably around my age.

‘Before’, I’d never in my wildest dreams thought of talking to any kind of counsellor. Why would I have done? Everything was so good, and if it wasn’t, well I’d not dwell on it.

Now,what people see is a reasonably cheerful guy in a wheelchair. They don’t see behind my eyes, what’s there all the time, lurking – the self doubt and the anguish.

Micheal established a few traits fairly quickly – the engrained self criticism ( yep, always been that way – tho as I tended to do well at things, they weren’t necessarily big criticisms ), the awful guilt I feel for being in this situation and the effect it has on others, who I now need to ask for help. He understood my torment of not being the Dad I wanted to be, the practical, strong, capable, physical, protective man I was, to my daughters.

And he did ask questions that I’ve not been asked before, that made me look deep inside myself.

I think our meetings will be productive.

I invited him to read my blog, and he now has.
He texted me this:

I was struck by the immediacy, directness and quality of your writing Russ. It offers an interior window into a world not often glimpsed. And it was a pleasure. Best wishes Michael

And did he say ‘ tell me about your relationship with your parents ‘?

Well of course he did!