Monthly Archives: January 2014

Tuesday

Events

I’m in the dinner queue outside what the staff still call ‘Jimmy’s’ – the cafe here. 

I was expecting a visitor or two but  they didn’t come due to an ailment. 
Anyway, here I am in the line of wheelchairs, waiting patiently for my gruel. 
I might go back and ask for ‘more’ later. 
I wonder if they’d all burst into song, Oliver style, if I did. 
The food’s not awful, but not great either. 
The delay’s probably cos the Cardboard into Food converting machine has  broken down. 
This time last year, I was just back to work, and a couple of weeks away from a ski trip to France, followed by a bus/bus/ train/train/bus trip to Italy to join another ski trip. 
I carried 3 pairs of skis and 2 cases on that little journey. Now it wouldn’t be physically possible for me to do it. 
I’ve just barely been able to lift my dinner tray off my lap and onto the table here. 
I’ve chosen a little table by myself, not feeling massively sociable, and found a copy of The Sun. 
‘I was sex slave in Fred’s old house’ is the headline. 
I went to a fancy dress a while back  and the theme was ‘criminals and crime stoppers’. 
Obviously, I went as Rosemary West ( wig, glasses, bag, skirt etc courtesy of Oxfam ). 
We stayed in a small B and B in Sussex. 
On the way down we’d bumped into Dan White and Pia in a petrol station. He refused to tell me what  they were going as, saying I’d never guess. 
We had rooms in the same B and B, opposite eachother in the same corridor. 
At about 8pm I opened the door to be confronted by… Yes, my twin sister (Dan, as Rose ) plus Fred West ( Pia ). 
Was an hilarious party. 
Actors had been hired to do a Murder Mystery thing. 
After about an hour they said ‘ if everyone doesn’t stop talking and messing about, we’re off ‘. 
Needless to say, they left shortly after, in a huff. 
The guy I thought was Earl, until I met Earl, has just sat opposite me. Avoiding eye contact, he put down his crutches, put on his baseball cap and his earphones, switched on his bad ass rap on his phone and is now sort of dancing in his dining chair. 
I’m not saying he’s fitting his stereotype, but some people might. 
He had one bite from his sandwich, ate his dessert and now he’s gone. 
That might be as exciting as it gets tonight. 
Great to see Pia last night though. 
I knew she’d be one of my first 2014 visitors. 🙂
She came as herself, not Fred. 

Monday.

Events

I’ve been watching telly all night. 

I never watch TV really – but God, it’s good for distracting you from the reality of life – I’ve just discovered. 
What happens when I turn it off?
Got a new room mate. Gotta be the only guy called Earl who’s not black?
Really nice man. Fell off his bike, like me, but the year before. 
I thought I was in a mess til I saw how unlucky he is. He’s smiling and glad to be  alive. 
At least on the outside. 
I’ll try my very best to be the best room mate he could wish for. 

I wonder if he’s right. Just maybe.

Events

You’re right about the long steep hill but you’re not at the bottom. It was only Sept when you had tubes everywhere and weren’t strong enough to lift your phone.
 
You’re discovering your new self – skiing one example, strength recovery another, less sores a third (used to be in every blog but no more). 
 
This year you’ll get fit, understand your bowels, learn to drive, re-learn how to do your favourite sports and become independent. Plus spend loads of quality time with Dani, Lily and Amber and go back to work. 
 
And motivate a load of folk without meaning to.
 
You’re learning the skills you need for the next 35 years. It’ll be tough and not what you’d choose but I reckon you’ll enjoy the year – intelligent people like challenges.
 
My bet – in 12 months you’ll look back with pride. And be ready and raring.
 
C

Events

On the FES bike. 

All wires and sticky electrode pads. 
It fires electric impulses and makes my leg muscles fire up in turn to turn the pedals of the bike. 
Weird seeing my once toned and proud leg muscles contracting artificially. 
It slows wastage, improves circulation  and can bring stuff back to life for SOME people. 
Not for me as yet. 
Two lovely lads, Phil and Barry, ex patients, called in to see me last night   
I only know them via a Facebook group. 
BOTH were told they’d never walk again , and both now can, fairly well. 
Never give up hope they said. 
I wish I could see some/any sign of improvement. 
There isn’t any. 
Thanks boys, for the encouragement though. 
I meet some very generous people these days.

Thanks, Kenlea.

Events

Hi Russ,


I must say that I have been so happy to read your Christmas posts and to see that you have ended 2013 with a smile and a laugh surrounded by the family, the trip looked great and it must have been so awesome to be out on the skis, I reckon you will be an expert in that one before you know it:)

I think of you often and the challenges that you are going through, more the emotional challenges as I know that the physical ones will be mastered in time,
I also think of your lovely family and the support that they give you especially you lovely wife, Dani, 
Although I have never met Dani, she is definitely a SuperStar alright, 

You have so much love around you, it is just beautiful.

This morning I read your latest post, its a tough one today pal, 
but I reckon we have to believe that the tough days and times will move on and will be replaced by the good ones and all the things that we treasure in life, like family and loved ones, the only real important things in life really,

I cant really give you any advice but one thing that I know for sure, you have a beautiful family around you that love you dearly, you have just exceeded expectations by skiing like a champ and ended 2013 with a smile on your face,

Its only going to get better from this point, I am sure,

I guess, on the up side you have a new room mate:)

Keep well and keep believing in Santa:)

Cheers

Kenlea

Sunday night, back on the ward.

Events

I’ve discovered that if I put the rails up either side of the bed ( yes, just like a baby’s cot ) that I can then cross my legs ( using my hands ) and do ‘dips’ – up and down. 

I wonder if anyone has ever done this before in the paralysis ward of  a hospital, or indeed in any other ward ?
I’m feeling pretty pleased that  my inventive nature has given me another way to briefly escape my torment. 
I’ve been home for the weekend. 
My darling wife has had it fairly badly these last 2 days, as I’ve had let’s say an upset stomach.
Besides single handedly doing all the things two parents normally do, she also has had the burden of me to cope with. 
I can’t apologise enough to her for placing her in this situation – it’s just not fair that she has to deal with the fallout of MY folly. 
Prior to these last few months, the only time I think my wife ever saw me cry was at the alter on our wedding day, where I was overcome with emotion. 
Now, I am egg-shell fragile.

 The most likely reason I break down is over the guilt I feel for the work I cause Dani. 
She resumes work this week and I am desperate not to distract her from her professional life in any way. 
Short of not coming home at the weekends any more I’m not sure how I can do that. 

I loved seeing my girls this weekend as I always do. Amber was under the impression that I wasn’t having to go to hospital anymore. Telling her it would be at least another month til I’d be around more was heartbreaking for me to explain to her innocent face. 

Today I saw my loyal friends, Jeremy ( one of the guys on the bike trip ) and Mac and Laura. 
I know my fellow cyclists all know that but for the grace of God, it could have been any of them here, broken, in this bed, and I see the emotion on their faces when I see any of them. Some have been particularly compassionate to Dani and I, and I thank them for being  there for us. 

The worst part of my day is often the first part – the visit to the toilet. 
It’s the most humiliating part of my daily grind, even though invariably I am alone. 

Dan White often calls me, uncannily, whilst I’m ‘busy’ and I save a few emails to open as I’m sat there in my rubber gloves.
 I can’t always answer when it rings  as I risk soiling my phone for ever, or dropping it down the bog. 

The other day I asked myself a series of questions whilst sat there, holding on to a rail to stop myself falling off:
1. if I’d trade places with either of my daughters if they were paralysed. 
My answer: yes, instantly. 
2. If I’d trade my current situation for normality but having also traded my action packed and fantastic life for 46 years for a mundane, dull life instead. 
My answer: no, I wouldn’t. The life I led was worth the penalty I’m now arguably paying for it. 
( at this exact moment I’m feeling particularly crushed and not so sure about that answer as it doesn’t take into account the effect it’s had on my family )
3. If I could swap my life for normality again by inflicting my injury on someone else instead? 
My answer: no, I couldn’t. There’s no one I’ve met in any part of my life that I’ve disliked enough to inflict this nightmare  upon them.
 And I’ve met some very unpleasant people. 

This diary entry is depressing, I know. 
Again just now I sobbed here alone, as I got a text from Dani saying she has Amber cuddling up to her in bed at home  tonight. 
If I get a cuddle in bed, I can only feel any contact above mid chest or above mid back, all else is absent. 
Can you imagine how that feels? 
Thankfully you don’t have to. 
But do me a favour. If you are in bed with someone tonight, cling on to them, and savour every square centimeter of human  contact that you can feel. 
You can’t imagine how much you’d miss that if you lost it. 

Back there report

Events
I’m back home already for the weekend!

Quiet one ahead. Phew!

First one and a half days there were fine to be honest. 

Was messaging for 6 hours straight last night, I  had so many people contacting me to check I was happy.

Ah, what it is to recieve love. 

I had various blood tests, a bladder test involving a radioactive tracer, some physio, a bit of ‘standing up’ in the Stand Frame, a change of wheelchair to a slightly more comfy one, and 2 short gym  sessions too. 
Brian didn’t snore either,  and I got to grips  with the shower and bog facilities in this new ward. 

Additionally, the nurses are far better looking, though that can make you more self conscious when you’re bollock naked in a compromised position in front of them.  

If I could come home every 2 days, I reckon I could stick it out there for months. Sadly that’s not an option as far as I know. 

A lot of the ‘younger’ patients have been discharged, so it seems different now. 

Reason: young people tend to break their backs doing sporty stuff in the summer, go to Stoke Mandeville, are re-hab’d and get discharged at Xmas. 
Autumn’s admissions are ‘older’ people who slip and fall in the wet weather, and are there through to March… 
Ok, that’s a generalisation, but statistically significant enough to do so. 

Suppose I’m in the middle somehow there. Crashed in June with the kids, but was so f’d up bone-breakwise  that I wasn’t in a wheelchair til September, and now there with the Old Folks. 
Ah well, it makes me look suddenly younger in the population there. 

Guess I’ve become ‘wheelchair candy’ all of a sudden.. 
😉