I go on these internet dates, and in my head I’m thinking ‘ why on Earth would any girl ( that’s attractive ) possibly want to go out with me ( a paralysed guy in a wheelchair ) when there a zillion other guys who can walk around and do all the things that I can’t ?’
The fact that invariably I get the girl never actually changes the way that I think though – I ignore all the factual evidence, and doubt myself to the n’th degree, always. It doesn’t seem to translate to what comes out of my mouth, which is invariably ‘ confidence’ but inside I just refuse to back ‘ my chances ‘.
I’ve realised that the people I meet are also ‘ dealing with ‘ issues of their own. No one is ‘ without a bit/ lot of inner turmoil ‘ Your experiences mould you into the person you are, be they your childhood relationships with your parents/ family, your school experiences ( being bullied/ being the bully ), your sexual relationships, your marriage(s), your employment history/ status – it all contributes to F you up by percentage points. You can arrive at 45 and be to all intents and purposes pretty sane and ‘stable/normal ( whatever that is )’ or be a completely bipolar psychopathic schizophrenic. When I meet other people in the world of online dating, I now find that in spite of my being ( quite reasonably ) psychologically affected by being paralysed in an instant, disabled, divorced and much more besides, I’m by no means anywhere near the craziest person out there. When you’re 17 it’s all so much easier – and no one seems in the slightest bit deranged, but 30 years later it’s a whole different story!
One of my former internet dates I now ( semi ) jokingly refer to as The AntiChrist, though not obviously to its face.. though I appreciate that the origin of its problems were not necessarily of its own making…
I’ve no idea whether I’ll meet the perfect person for me, but statistically I’m beginning to think that’s unlikely, and also explains why people are quite desperate to cling onto patently unhappy marriages – at least they’re a known quantity, and perhaps better than the big gamble of single life.
Maybe the ‘mad woman living with 12 cats ‘ is the clever one after all..?
Russ, you can enjoy a perfectly fulfilling life on your own (I do !). Years ago, I realized that allowing your happiness to be dependent on others was inherently risky. Let Singlehood be the default option and only allow chicks inside if they can add to what you already have !
Except it’s impossible for me to live alone.
Not for publication please.
Hello 🙂
What an interesting and thought provoking post.
I think you are wrong on several points though.
Firstly, you SHOULD be confident. In my opinion, what women of our age want in a partner is – first and foremost – a companion. A man who is intelligent, witty, sensitive, fun and, above all, kind and loving. You are all of those things. You also happen to be handsome, engaging and attractive – which also helps.
You offer far more than many men out there: that’s because of who and how you are. Whether or not you can walk is waaaaay down the list of priorities.
I know that, being a former athlete, this must be very hard for you to comprehend but the fact that you invariably ‘get the girl’ shows I’m right.
If you don’t believe me, just think about how your own ‘wish list’ relating to a prospective partner has changed from Russ aged 21 to Russ aged 51.
The other point I disagree on is in relation to people ‘clinging’ on to relationships.
I would never think it a good idea to stay with someone if the relationship makes you unhappy but I suspect that, in the majority of cases the fact that a relationship is not ‘perfect’ does not mean it is necessatily unhappy: ‘good enough’ can be, well, good enough to generate happiness.
Don’t think it unlikely you will meet the right woman for you. She is out there, waiting for you to find her, and there is much fun to be had in the course of your search 🙂
You are a ‘catch’, take my word for it.
XXX
What my dear old Dad told me is very true: ‘Be kind: everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle’. (He didn’t make it up – it’s attributed to Plato, but there’s a suspicion that it’s actually a quote from Scottish author, Ian MacLaren. Spot the pedant.)
Anyway, I’m firmly of the opinion that by the time we’re 50, we’re all thoroughly bonkers. We can usually hide it in polite society, but when dating, watch out! 🙂
And for the record, I only have 3 cats. So far. 😉