So…. all change, all of a sudden.

‘ Rehab’ / medical help has been postponed for 3-4 months, on the basis that my fixations are too fragile to test in an environment where I’d be, by definition, encouraged to test them by trying to move.

Now it’s become a ‘ get me back to Chiswick ASAP ‘ exercise, with  a package of care from NHS or private funding ( 2 people )  that includes getting me dressed/ out of bed at a time of their availability /  into the wheelchair/ cleaned/ ‘ internally emptied ‘ /  helped back into bed, at a time of their availabity ( 7/8 pm ) , for the next 3/4 months until my screws have properly set into my spine.

I cant  transfer, by myself ( not that I can anyway now, such is the rigidity of my fixation  )  into a car or normal taxi, let alone drive myself, as I have been doing for 2 and a half years.

I face a life spent in bed, more often than out of it, totally dependent on ‘carers’ and the obligation/ charity of others.

I came here with spasms,  I leave here robbed of so much of what I had left.  That wasn’t the plan. And I still have spasms!

Do I sue for damages?  If  I ‘ win ‘,  what does money buy me?  I’ve never cared about money in any way at all – I was the same level of happiness when I was a poor student,  as when I was ‘ successful ‘

I’ve experienced a massive revival over the last 5 weeks, where I’ve felt happiness again, as I never thought I would. My light was switched back on.

Now I feel it flickering again.

If it goes out, then I fear that it can’t be reversed – not this time.

Thanks to Ed, my visitor today, when I thought I wouldn’t see another familiar face.  Friends since Cardiff Uni, he still looks like he’s 15, just wearing more expensive shirts.