I met up with my buddies last night in Richmond. I’m paralysed and P is blind with a guide dog. Until 7 years ago I wasn’t paralysed, and for the first 25 years P’s vision was fine. His diagnosis of a rare and progressive eye condition that would slowly but surely rob him of sight can’t have been anything other than profoundly shocking. He did however have years/ decades to adjust to the gradual loss, and actually didn’t tell anyone but his wife and son, who both kept it a secret. He held down a very senior role in a firm that’s a household name around the world, until he realised that he just couldn’t carry it off anymore. Pretending to be able to see normally is an impossible thing to do once you have deteriorated to a certain point.

He told me last night that I’d done him a real favour by explaining something to him last time. His wife had long accused him of having an annoying tendency to talk over people, not knowing when to stop. Looking at it from a vision perspective ( and that was my profession for a LONG time ) I put it to him that yes, he might well do that, but unintentionally. When you are in a group of people and you are having a conversation, well mannered people at least notice when other people are starting to speak, or are about to speak, because they give off visual signals that they are, usually with facial expressions or body language. Well if you can’t see people’s faces, or expressions, or body language, then you just speak when there’s a break in the audible conversation , and you miss all visual cues. P said that he’d slightly gleefully explained to his wife that I’d proven that he actually wasn’t just rude, it was merely in all likelihood just an effect of his vision loss.
When we talk to other people, most of us look at the others for visual affirmation that we are being heard, and that what we are saying is of interest to them. Affirmation can be from smiles, nods, and expressions by other people. When you can’t see any of those then how are you supposed to know someone’s reaction. Nodding and smiling, I pointed out to our mutual friend Chris, wasn’t going to be of any use to P, but audibly saying ‘ yes/ really/ no way/ wow etc ‘ would be very valuable. ‘ feedback’ for P when he was speaking. Obvs this makes perfect sense, but it hadn’t occurred to P either. When you lose your vision very gradually over many years, you don’t notice the gestures disappearing over time.

So there you go then. If you find yourself in a conversation with someone blind or partially sighted, you have to substitute your facial expressions with SOUND. In doing so you are helping the blind person a lot.

P and I talked about our respective losses a bit, and how you are ‘ dismissed’ by other people, in lots of ways. Sometimes it’s deliberate ( and that’s hurtful and very saddening ) but more often it’s not malicious. You get disempowered by people doing things for you that you CAN actually do yourself. I know it’s a minefield, the whole ‘ well should I help that poor bugger or not ‘ thing, but I’d say it’s best just to offer. Your offer may be declined but it may be VERY gratefully accepted. Please don’t not offer just in case the person says No thanks …

We had a real laugh, and Bolt the blind dog was again the most popular being in the bar. I can quite see that if you are a single fella, then having a cute dog or carrying a baby around is definitely a way to attract the chicks. Of the 2 options I think the dog is probably the least complicated.

I’ve got a sore throat. I never get sore throats. I have just been to 2 airports. You know what I’m saying, I’m sure. The thing is that the planet DOES need to shed several billion people in order to endure. It sounds a tad cold, but as a practical kinda fella, I’m ok with the concept of a species threatening plague breaking out. You have to look at the bigger picture and not be selfish, surely ….?

I met up with a fella I knew from Uni yesterday.
We played rugby together back then.

We met by pure chance in France on the same cycle trip as each other about 12 years ago, having not seen each other for 20 odd years, and we met a few times after that. The last time I saw him was just a few weeks after I was paralysed. He came to see me in hospital and I remember thinking how nervous he seemed. Yesterday I mentioned that, and he confessed to having been ‘ shitting himself’ seeing a mate who had so nearly died and was now 30 KGs lighter and forever disabled.
Not having ever read this diary he didn’t know much else about what happened next either. I skipped through the more significant bits, including my very very nearly successful suicide, and we talked a lot about depression. It’s very trendy now to have mental health issues, and at least publicly it has lost its stigma. In reality though it hasn’t. People are still really uncomfortable with it. Those that don’t can’t relate to those that do, but those that do can relate very well. Unless you have experience then it’s not something you can appreciate properly. I had no clue until my injury and the aftermath, I have to say.
I didn’t know a lot about my buddy’s ‘ history’. He told me about his violent father, who beat him, his sister and his mum. He told me how he eventually got to an age and weight when he could fight back, and did when he heard his father took it a step too far by raping his own daughter.
After giving his dad a taste of his own violence, he left home and never saw him again ( hearing more recently of his death ).
Perhaps his childhood traumas were responsible for his depression in adulthood, despite an extremely financially successful career and 2 kids he doted on. When he told his wife he just had to leave her, it went badly, and cost him everything he’d ‘ built ‘. One child sees him a lot, his other refuses to. They are both now adults. For many years he pondered suicide, but meeting a brilliant lady seemed to be his salvation. He quit his lucrative career and now does something he enjoys, for far less Money.
We talked a lot about depression. Let’s face it, I’ve had my moments, and he was visibly shocked when I described what I’d done to myself in 2017, particularly when I described the scene I found in my bedroom upon my return from hospital. Tbh it was hard to believe that someone who had left that much of his blood in that room could still be alive. It seems like a long time ago now, though isn’t really. I said that by and large I don’t feel down anymore, though sometimes I have fairly acute but short lived feelings of not wanting to be here.

Listening to all the Caroline Flack stuff reacquaints me with the mindset that only seriously suicidal people can know, and I imagine that most of those people don’t actually survive to talk about them. These days they call the people that seem to push you to do it the Haters. Some of those Haters do it ‘ actively’ and others push you passively by not making any attempt at all to help save you. Inaction can be as damaging as more obvious unpleasantness.

So if you know someone that you think is very down, if you do care at all then do something to help them. Please don’t do nothing, is my advice to you. Tributes after they are gone are inexcusably insufficient.

That’s Joker, 1917 and The Parasite… as well as The Irishman… I can say adamantly that ( in my opinion as a punter ) 4 of the Oscars went to the wrong film. Joker and 1917 are by far the best in every category and should share the honours, except for the Actress ones, cos they don’t really have women in them a lot. The Parasite is ok for sure. It’s a black comedy with a non Western approach for sure. Blood and death are ‘ funny’ in the film, but I’m not sure anyone watching in the screening we went to was laughing.
Im not big into film award stuff, but this definitely looks like it’s just about voting the winner to be non English speaking and ‘ foreign’ with no white people, so yet again a politically correct typa statement…perhaps I should enrol as an actor, given it can’t be long before someone in a wheelchair that’s disabled wins Best Actor.

Recently I’ve seen a few plays ( well I get cheaper tickets so it’s affordable ) Lily and I saw My Cousin Rachel, which was absolutely brilliant, full of twists to the very end. I’d not read it, nor the more famous Rebecca by the same author ( Daphne du Maurier ) as I’m not that well read really, but I’ve since bought Rebecca on Audible ( the audiobook app ). I do find it far easier to listen to someone reading it to me, than actually reading it myself. When you have half the number of functional limbs that you used to have, your arms become your legs too, which means that reading a book means you can’t move – your ‘ legs’ now holding the book. So audiobooks are the way forward. At the moment I’m listening to The State of The Affair which is all about infidelity. It’s not fiction, it’s written and read by the lady that ‘ meets and counsels’ the couples who are going through difficulties brought on usually by the big capital I.

It’s said that between 33 and 76 percent of couples ‘ enjoy ‘ 1 of the couple having been unfaithful to the other ( and of course quite possibly both of them at it ). That makes it ever so normal… yet in the West it’s frowned upon big style, even a small indiscretion spelling catastrophic consequences to the partnership and the household that they are in. Perhaps people ought lighten up about it… the author examines lots of reasons that people are unfaithful, and it’s fascinating the way she looks at it all without at any point ‘ judging’ anyone.

My English class is going strong though the charity that organises it is having its funding stopped, so officially it’s not for much longer. That doesn’t stop me continuing though, as I don’t get paid or anything. I can theoretically just keep going on the same day at the same time to the same place and assist anyone that wants to come along. We’ll see what happens!

That’s because every time I wheel into an elevator on the Underground or at a railway station, the lift has at least one Chinese person in it, and possibly what looks like half a village…

Well I’m bound to get Corona virus eventually from all that statistical risky exposure, aren’t I ? And then I’ll be wheeling it about all over the place, like a rabid coughing extra from a Mad Max film.

Just saying.

So a day later and my left index finger still doesn’t hurt, and the glue is holding everything in place. Can’t really see a downside so far to using glue. Certainly better than any other alternatives I had at the time!

Turns out that it’s not exactly a new concept . Whilst superglue was being approved for medical use in the States, they used it in spray cans in the Vietnam War, to spray onto wounds sustained by the troops. It saved lots of lives, by stemming/ limiting/ reducing blood flow from the open wounds. Yes, for sure it’s a chemical and a bit poisonous if ingested, but you’re not really going to worry about that when the alternative is just bleeding to death, soon.
Thanks to Rob S for that little gem of info.

Also as of today I’ve turned vegan… or at least in most ways. My man T suggested I watch a programme on Netflix called The Game Changers. To be honest, it’s hard after watching it to be anything other than a plant eater. Don’t take my word for it, watch the film. It’s hard to argue against anything in it. Yes, for sure meat tastes good, and it’s hard to persuade someone to stop eating it that exists almost solely for the taste of genuine meat, but the PROOF exists that you, and the planet Earth is far better off if man goes meat free.

As my body is very compromised already by my injury, I’d be a bit daft if I kept feeding it with stuff that makes it work far less well than it’s evolved to function on.

As I couldn’t give a shite about eating meat and fish for the taste, it’s easy for me to just stop, immediately.
So I have.

I’d encourage you to do the same. But do watch the film.

When you can’t stand up and lean forward into/ over a kitchen sink, you either just don’t do things or you still do them but you do them differently. Today I was cutting up carrots and sweet potatoes, and doing them in my lap over a cloth, then putting them into a pot on the kitchen surface. I’ve done it often before but today the potatoes were harder to slice ( I didn’t have a chopping board. as for that you need to lean on it and cut with your weight – if you think about it ) I think I wasn’t concentrating properly and I accidentally cut into my left index finger, rather than stopping at the edge of the potato… mmmm ok then… an image I saw on Facebook yesterday appeared in my mind of a friend’s wife who had cut her face and been to A &E and had it glued together. …

SO … as I considered a trip to the hospital to be complicated at the very least, as well as practically very difficult with only one hand working properly, and added to that the consideration that I’d lose quite a lot of blood by then, as well as get my hand dirty via wheel pushing ( well I have no choice other than to use my hands ) I instead pulled open the kitchen drawer, whilst clutching a piece of kitchen towel to stem the blood flow, and scrabbled about for the superglue that should have been there. Why is it that it’s always bloody there, until the day you need it straight away and then it’s evaporated into thin air ..? I found some general purpose glue though. One handed I got the top off and squeezed it.. but no glue came out. Bugger me, my hand was bleeding a fair bit, I’m trying not to use it, but I can’t move without blimmin using it. I find a scissors and cut into the tube and squeeze glue out of the side of the tube. Obviously then there s quite a lot of glue… so I have a mixture of blood, glue, kitchen roll and I can’t move because I can’t walk …

Anyway, like you do ( I do ) I managed to stem the blood, get some disinfectant foam that was close by, clean the gash, get LOTS of glue on the area, and blow dry the lot with my mouth…. well it seemed to work anyway. I wrapped the clean bit of kitchen towel around my finger and secured it with an elastic band ( that was also in the drawer )

Hey Presto – home A &E procedure completed.
Yes, the kitchen towel is now glued to my finger, but it’s not bleeding or even hurting, and I’ll soak the tissue off later and put something clean on it.

I then went out and bought 4 tubes of Superglue that I’ll dot about the place for future emergencies. Well glue is something that’s very handy ( no pun intended ).

Other than that, my class size went up again. Before long I’ll be like Ghandi before a throng of non white people, holding court and receiving of rapturous attention… well either that or they’ll find something better to do on a Tuesday afternoon in Greenford and desert me. I spent the lesson going over visiting a restaurant/ cafe and booking a flight. They seemed to want to know how to do that despite ALL of the ladies saying that their husbands do that for them, as they have the credit cards and make those decisions.., perhaps I’ll inadvertently give them the know how to do midnight flits and flee the country by Easyjet? What a thought…

I must mention my buddy Dan White, who helped me loads in the early days of my injury, and this week is hosting 12 injured soldiers in the French Alps. 12 blokes with varying levels of PTSD and not many legs left between them he told me today. Dan does this because he sees that he can help people who have suffered terrible trauma. He doesn’t want thanks or any limelight shone upon him, he’s just doing good, and making a difference.
More people like him and the world would be different.

And we went to Wales for the weekend… well, we spent Saturday night at my parents’ house and half of Sunday too. Going to stay with anyone isn’t straightforward, and overnight is only possible if there’s either a bed downstairs or they happen to have a lift to the upstairs bedrooms. My mum and dad bought a sofa bed for their kitchen, my dad built a ramp, and Bob’s your uncle.
Well actually Bob is my dad, not my uncle, and I don’t want to confuse things.

Wendy drove us from London ( obviously driving expertly ) My cousin Jason came for tea ( they call that dinner in England ) and the local pub ( The Carpenters Arms ) is accessible so we went there for a few drinks My lovely Aunty Gill and my Uncle Mike came and joined us, and we had a laugh for hours. It was just like old times, except everyone was a bit older and I had a different ( and very cute ) partner, and I was in a wheelchair. As it was relatively last minute, other peeps had plans and I didn’t get to see my Bro ( as he’s in France ) or a few friends I’d love to have invited. Anyway, less can be more sometimes, and especially when you can’t move around the room and mingle because you are a bit stuck for space to reverse your chair, so it was really good. We saw my Aunty Rose and Uncle Den on Sunday as well, having actually slept well on the sofa bed, and ate lots of my mum’s pancakes…. she makes the BEST ones ( well you like what you got to know as a child, don’t you ? )

Wendy drove ( expertly ) back to London, and it all went well, I’m pleased to say. It’s been a long time since the thought of going to stay in future in Wales hasn’t been daunting, but now it’s not any longer. I do need the lovely Wendy to drive ( expertly ) and help me both ends but if I’ve got her then I’ll be ok. Wendy found my family very funny / possibly shocking, and says she now knows why I am the way I am … there you go then, I have an excuse.

Thanks SO MUCH to my parents for doing everything to make it as easy as possible, and we will go again soon I’m sure!

I took my English class yesterday. The class tripled in size from last week, such is my popularity ( presumably ) A 200% increase is a stat anyone would be proud of, right?

Ok so it was 2, and yesterday it was 6. … but still! I made it fun ( I think ). What seems to work ( based on all the lessons thus far… that’s both of them ) is to have a couple of main topics ( yesterday it was telling the time in English, and booking doctors’ appointments on the phone/online ) and having lots of conversation around the themes, with me correcting pronunciation and word order etc.
We strayed onto Harry and Meghan and the Royal fam. Cor, the foreigners living amongst us don’t half like the royals … they all had pretty strong opinions on those 2 anyway. I’ve heard that ‘ Meghan has been the victim of racism because she is a woman of colour’ a lot, though I have doubted that since I’ve personally not heard anything adverse to do with her being not ‘ pure white’ from anyone I know, but yesterday I was very surprised/ amused to hear how much the non British born ( and not white ) ladies of North Wesr London dislike her. Yep, she got a right slagging off for lots of things, but definitely not for being mixed race. Given apparently 1 in 8 people living in the UK are ‘ immigrants’ then if yesterday’s sample was representative then that’s at least 15% of us here that don’t like Megs ( and it’s bugger all to do with her having a black mum ). Sad how the racist anti black card gets so readily played, I think.

And they LOVED Princess Di, and really really didn’t like ‘ Kamelia ‘. I did correct the name pronunciation again and again, but Kamelia she remained. When I said that I knew her and she was ever so nice, they didn’t seem to believe it, so I had to show em photographic evidence. That didn’t stop em laying into her though! What the hell did/does Chazza see in her seemed to be the gist of it.

Anyway…. the Welsh indoctrination has subtlety begun. I’ve got them saying ‘ How’s it goin’? ‘ and repeating’ whose horse is that donkey?’ Very handy expression that, up there in Greenford.

It won’t be long before Tidy is ringing out in the mosques of northwest London…

Cool what you see when you’re out and about in London.
I asked these 2 fellas why they had hawks in Brentford…?

Pest control, he said, and told me the ‘ clients’ hire them and their 2 Harris hawks for an hour every fortnight. That’s enough to scare ( nope, not kill he said ) the pigeons away apparently.

I was surprised to hear, and I thought he was messin’ ( but he wasn’t ) that they come at a different time every 2 weeks because otherwise the pigeons would learn just to avoid that hour at the same time every 2 weeks.
Who’d have thunk pigeons were that clever?? As the fella said though… there’s a reason why pigeons are so ‘ successful’ at populating an area.

I might train my budgies to scare things away? Just gotta think of something that they might frighten first….