All posts by Russ

Advice from an old mate.

Events
When I started university , I heard that a former school mate (2 yrs older than me) that I’d played 1st team school rugby with, had been involved in a horrific car crash and was now paralysed. He had lost all use below the waist and had significant loss of arm power too. 
Ian was a tough lad, who I had a lot of respect for. He was also a very good rugby player. As I was fairly good myself, I played for the senior under 18 team when I was 15, so ‘Math’ and I were team mates. It was an era of respect and I had plenty for all the older lads in the team, and they looked after me as a talented but still young, player. 

I’ve seen Ian on and off since, as he lives in the same village as my parents. He’s lived an extremely full life, is married, and successful, and has a fine son. 
He’s lived with his disability and in my experience is nothing but positive. 
I emailed him yesterday ( see below trail ) and I’ve published his response. 

Ian, I hope you don’t mind..


Hi Russ
Great to hear from you and you seem pretty positive which is everything at this stage. Sorry to hear about what happened and I’m assuming what I’ve heard is correct i.e. that you’ve had a complete T12 break plus plenty of other bangs. Again I’m assuming that the other injuries are hopefully transient. From my experience after 29 years the spinal injury ain’t going away. The number one thing you need to know now is that this is the hard part. Things get much easier with time but you need to be patient. The psychologists say it’s like a bereavement and takes 3 to 5 years to “come to terms” with it. It is amazing that for such a physical injury it’s all about mentally coping with the life change and your new physical situation. This spinal injury isn’t going to kill you or even effect life expectancy. When I first had my accident, I remember another patient, called Dominic, saying that you need to go for it, be very positive about things or we might as well kill ourselves because the worst, third option, was to sit around being feeling sorry for ourselves, being miserable for the rest of our lives, waiting for an unlikely cure. Very hard hitting stuff but the best advice I ever had. (Dominic, who became a good friend of mine is dead now. He went for it, had an affair and his wife murdered him – true, honest.)
Of course I’m available anytime to answer any questions. Because of my degree and what I’ve read over the years I’m fairly well informed. As for the personal experience we are all different so you may feel later that some of my advice turned out to be total bollocks. Depending where you are (time post-accident) different issues have different importance and so I need to think back e.g. I suppose it’s all bladder and bowels at the moment. Also I need to remember that you will become mentally very tough about this but this will take awhile. I am that cynical old bastard so I apologise if some of my advice and humour comes across as too hard hitting. I can remember putting a brave face on things initially (telling everyone you’re ok)because it made people more comfortable when they first meet you. You will be pleased to know that that bluff does become reality though as I’ve said it takes time. Seeing true friends again was fine after the very first minutes of contact. Meeting strangers was no problem. I hated meeting acquaintances for a few years. They often visited you because they thought they should and so making them feel comfortable was a pain. Then after a year or two you still meet people who say what the fuck has happened to you. After awhile that doesn’t bother you and it’s fun making things up.
Just to end with a few positives. It’s massive to have supportive friends and family. It’s great you already have Danielle and the kids (I hear she has been amazing), it’s a pain messing about with women as well. Your fitness life-style will be useful with the rehab and the fact you have an established job where you use your brain (i.e. not a manual job like the roofers I used to meet). All very positive and will make the future a lot easier eventually. When discussing these positives you will probably hear people say that “you’re lucky……….”  Just tell them to fuck off and point out how statistically how unlucky you have been to have a spinal injury (I used to know the figure) it soon shuts them up.
keep in touch
Ian

—– Original Message —– From: “Russ” 
To: “Ian Matthews” 
Sent: Wednesday, October 09, 2013 3:14 PM
Subject: Hello mate.

Ian me old chum,

Just bade farewell to my folks here at Stoke Mandeville.
They gave me your email address.

So …. Now we’ve got something else in common it would seem!

I keep thinking back to that time in that pub near Twickenham when we hoisted you up in your wheelchair above our heads, and you stuck a naked lady postage stamp on the ceiling of the bar. You know it was still there ten years later, when I last went!


I wonder if anyone’ll ever do that for me, or whether I’d want them to!
Was pretty reckless, come to think of it.
But funny. 😉
If there was a wheelchair hall of fame, that day’s antics might just qualify.

Anyhow, after this initial contact, maybe i could ask you a favour in terms of answering a few questions I might have about life as a disabled person going forward..?

Would that be ok buddy?

Look forward to hearing from you.

Russ

Sent from my iPhone 7 prototype. = 

Perspective.

Events

Yesterday I found a LOAD of emails sent to me/ Dani/ Melissa back in June and July. 

So many loving, encouraging, positive, caring thoughts expressed and sent. 
Obviously at that time I was in and out of consciousness, having heart attacks, on dialysis, having liver failure, was suffering drug induced hallucinations, having my lungs drained, and my family were being counselled for the most likely outcome – my death, or permanent brain damage. 
Plus, I had no phone, so I didn’t see the messages! In any case, a phone was too heavy to lift and I’d lost the manual dexterity to press the letter keys. I would communicate by trying to sort of whisper / enunciate my words ( which generally led to total confusion all round). Children seemed better able to interpret ( I think ) so my lovely Amber was chief translation officer. Then I tried writing my requests, and answers ,down. I know there are, somewhere, some pictures of ‘letters’ I wrote to Dani. They look like they’ve been written by a 5 yr old, with a bent pencil, in a mirror. 
At the time I remember thinking they were ok, but that was a mind trick being played by myself, on myself. And I fell for it. 
So where was I going with this diary entry?! Ok, that’s it, I was thanking sincerely all those that thought of me, possibly prayed for me, and, through their messages, made a difference. 
Something kept my Dani positive about my survival prospects, and I’m sure the texts and cards and emails contributed. 
She told me that after hearing from Quentin that I was very seriously hurt, she packed me, in her small luggage bag, ‘coming home clothes’ , mentally refusing to accept that I’d die there in Toulon. 
Her faith in me turned out to not be misplaced then….
As I lie here, bed bound, feeling sorry for myself,  I must keep telling myself that it could have been so very much worse. 

Day 4 of bed rest.

Events

4 days in bed, novelty wearing thin. 

Bum not healing fast. 
I hope tomorrow my doctor will tell me to get out of bed and wheel about for a bit, before I go crazy. 
I spoke to Amber (9)  earlier. I said that I’d tried swimming last week and that I wasn’t very good. 
She said ‘ Daddy, you’ve got to practice. I wouldn’t be very good either, if I didn’t practice , so keep trying , ok ‘
Well there you go then folks. Straight from an expert. 

The real me?

Events
A lot of my regular blog readers have expressed surprise at what they say is a ‘different side to me’, even accusing me of being such things as eloquent and poignant with the written word!
So I’d better address that I suppose, and what better a place than the blog itself. 
I probably should say, as a precursor, that in Toulon they prepared Dani for the ‘likely eventuality’ of me being brain damaged. Perhaps then, all that’s happened is that you’re seeing my alter ego, and he’s a lot nicer than his predecessor, the rough and ready, insensitive, piss taking Welsh bloke?
Who knows the truth??
Anyway, read what I replied this morning, to my lovely friend, Caroline Merrit:
As for eloquence and poignancy, well I’ve obviously kept that emotionally intelligent side of me quiet over the years, so quiet that it would seem to have been invisible! It’s a Welsh upbringing thing I think. When I first met Dani, I wouldn’t even hold her hand in public for fear of being labelled a softie…. Over the last 28 years I’ve gotten better, a lot better, at  visible shows of emotion, but the old me is still there in the background telling me to shape up!

I was a good writer at school though, and once started a book ( about 12 years ago ) but got bored and stopped. Maybe I’ll start again.. 
Time is the limiting factor tho; even here there isn’t enough of it. 
Given the choice between cerebral and physical exercise, I’ve almost always, for the last 30 years anyway,  opted for the latter. Perhaps this is the time to redress the balance ( he says, reaching for the ‘Iron Arms’ home exerciser!)

My family have been truly incredible. 
Dani is as solid as a rock and the girls are true survivors. THEY, not me, are the strong ones. 
My brothers are tear jerkingly loving to me, my parents really there for me, and my Welsh relatives and English  in- laws have all been in regular touch. My mother’s sister, Wendy, has been very devoted to me. And my friends have just astounded me with their loyalty to a fallen mate. 

Believe me when I reiterate that it’s love not cash that makes the world go round. 

Russ
Xx

When I dared to moan to Monique that I wasn’t that happy, on bed rest..she replied. Never stuck for words is Monique!.

Events

Reasons why you should smile?


Shall I list them to remind you? I believe I shall:

1) you have two gorgeous amazing daughters who love their father dearly
2) you have an amazing and lovely wife who loves her husband dearly
3) you have friends that would drop bloody everything for you anywhere and at anytime
4) you are a very successful optometrist with a solid business and staff that cannot wait until you are back in the office
5) you have a family and siblings who clearly hold you in very high regard and are so relieved you are still here
6) you were given a second chance and some great challenges to pursue as a result (you are always one in need of challenges)
7) looks like others will continue to benefit from the Russ Dawkins Foundation just getting off the ground
8) you are a stellar athlete across multiple sports. That doesn’t just leave you because your legs no longer work.
9) you are not 80 not even 50- so you have a whole life in front of you. 
10) you are not an idiot and believe me- there are a lot of idiots out there. 

Ok- so you are stuck in a bed for 1-2 wks. You are not 6 feet under. Read, write, study, eat, sleep, listen to music, buy something nice for Dani. Plan a surprise of some sort for your girls. Your head works even if your ass doesn’t 🙂

I know it sucks and it’s hard and it’s two steps forward and one step back. But you really are doing great and you are just plain special. Don’t forget that. 

Massive hugs. 

Ps- did Dan run his 50 miler ?

On 2013-10-07, at 9:13 AM, “Russ” <rdawkins2@sky.com> wrote:

Hmmm yeah. There must be a reason to be 😉 x


Sent from my iPhone 7 prototype. 


On 7 Oct 2013, at 16:06, Monique Dube wrote:


Be happy 🙂 xx


On 2013-10-07, at 9:00 AM, “Russ”


I’m sure you’re right xx

Weekend at home.

Events

So…. A mixed success really. 

Whilst it’s lovely to go home, I haven’t seemed to have cracked the looking after myself while I’m away part. 
I’ve picked up another potential problem on my ass and knocked both ankles. 
Whilst I’m trying to get better at independence, there seems to be a fine line between achieving it and ‘self harming’. 
We get a bigger car this week. The faithful Yaris struggles with me, a wheelchair, Dani, 2 daughters and their handbags. An old Audi A4 is the choice- bigger, and an estate so much more boot space. 
Anyone wanna buy a low’ish mileage w reg Toyota Yaris? ( approx 75000 miles I think )
Email me. 😕 rdawkins2@sky.com
Great lil car, never goes wrong. Toyota reliability, see. 
It was lovely to be invited to Lisa and Andrew’s for Sunday lunch. 
It was Lisa’s birthday and she selflessly cooked for ten plus invited us lot, her brother, Simon ( a fellow Specsavers optometrist ) plus his wife, Sarah, and her fab sister, Jane ( whose toes I once sucked at a wedding,  in fact Lisa and Andrew’s wedding, but that’s another story. It was probably about the time that Fergie ( not Alex ) made toe sucking popular, though it was the same day as Diana’s funeral, so maybe I should’ve shown more decorum ) 
Christ, did any of you follow that?!
Well done if you did. 
So I’m currently back on bed confinement. Not great news, but safety first. 
They take pictures of the injured areas here. God that’s not a great job. Imagine if you’ve done a photography course and envisaged modelling shoots, catwalks, panoramic views and sunsets over the Caribbean.. And you end up taking pictures of my arse. 
I mean it’s a job, but surely not someone’s dream  outcome. 

Hydrotherapy.

Events

As expected, not my pursuit of choice. 

Far from being a relaxing source of therapy and weightless, it was 30 minutes of near drowning. 
My lack of buoyancy has not diminished, in fact my legs now dragging down,  adds to it. 
How on earth I’m expected to swim is laughably unlikely. Lurking at the bottom of the pool however, holding my breath, is possible. 
With my lung capacity, I’m sure I could manage a massive ten seconds. 
My lovely neighbour, Neelam ,  who is also my dentist, came to view my front tooth today. It came a cropper either in my crash or in the aftermath, what with various life saving tubes shoved into my mouth. She took pictures etc and will make me a new one, to be fitted in due course.. Great home visit service!
Thanks, Neelam. X
Dinner tonight was cooked by wonder cook Sophia Teasdale – hand delivered this afternoon! ‘7 hour slow cooked lamb’  it’s called. It certainly smells absolutely delicious. 
Thanks Sophia. Top Welsh girl, see. 
X