Today I’m at the funeral, of Pete Juster, a lovely man, not a close friend, but a close friend of close friends.

It’s the first time I’ve worn a tie since my injury. Sat down and hunched as I am in my chair, it’s amazing how little tie I need in the front, compared to before, stood up and ‘elongated’.

There are lots of people here in the church that I know, saying their goodbyes to Pete.

I can’t help but think that I very very nearly attended my last funeral only 18 months ago, and wonder how it would have gone?

Pete fought cancer bravely for nearly 5 years, and had his time to prepare and say goodbye, even complete his bucket list..
I didn’t have a bucket list, having already filled my bucket several times over, but to die suddenly, prematurely and unexpectedly perhaps creates more grief.

Sat here ( what else ) I feel very sad and emotional, for Pete, his family and friends, and for how close I came to filling a church myself, not so long ago.

Today Amber was in tears.
They told her I wouldn’t be in Toulon for long, Stoke Mandeville only for a while, and now I’m going to America not for 3 months but for five.

I feel sorry for myself for sure, but I feel devastated for the pain I’ve caused, and am causing still to those that love me the most.

So I think I’ll be in Louisville, Kentucky from January 26th through to late June – a whole five months.

I should have a room with another small ‘living area’ with a sofa bed in.

So… If anyone wants to come and visit me, they can!

My brother suggested trying to be organised about this ( in the hope that someone in the world might be interested ), so here goes.

So on the basis that anyone coming knows me well enough to know my mobile number or email address, then please get in touch.

I think I’m going to be allowed a week off from March 14 – 23rd, so I’ll be home that week, but all the rest of the time as far as I know, except for maybe 13-20 th of February, I’ll be very grateful for the company…

Go on, knock yourself out..

Russ

At midnight last night, my daughter Lily was most insistent that she used her one remaining Polaroid camera shot to take a picture of her and I.

She didn’t articulate why, but I think I know.

I think this one’ll be better than the last one.

Why is it than when you can’t sleep you are never kept awake by really happy thoughts?

Perhaps kids are ?

I’m not. I think of my pre accident life. Lots of skiing, in particular, then a whole variety of active stuff. Running down sand dunes just now, sky diving after that.
They aren’t helpful thoughts for a fella who can’t even sit up my himself now, but short of having a brain transplant, how can I stop the memories teasing me?
They are fond memories, but are laced with sadness.
Then the prospect of 5 months in America again, in ‘solitary’…. That’s a recurring one. I’m going to miss a lot of people, most of all Lily and Amber.

I try not to imagine how that’s going to feel.

Kids ( mostly boys ) make me laugh, with their somewhat morbid fascination with my condition.

‘So can you feel this?’ – pressing in my leg..

No.

‘What about this?’ – pressing harder.

No.

What if I stabbed you?

No, wouldn’t feel it.
But I would bleed.

What if I set fire to your leg?

No, wouldn’t hurt at all.

Wow, that must be SOOO cool…!

Not really, to be honest.

… To my friend ( and ex staff member ), Sheila, who found out about my accident the other day, and then drove from a long way away to come and see me – even bringing wine and chocolates.

Was lovely to see you, Sheila!

As it was Mike Smith, desert runner and beer drinker, who got me safely home after our introductory night out last week.
Top guy!

Xmas Eve at Rich and Trudy’s house was special too – Im at my happiest when with my family and friends – and there were lots of them there, as there were on Xmas Day at our flat.
Using my stand up wheelchair makes a big difference to my psyche in company – I’d forgotten how it is to be taller than most people, down there in a chair for 18 months.

It’s been a while since I was out on my arm bike, so Tuesday is pencilled in
My calamitous luck with accidents is in the back of my mind, so I’ll go easy on the downhills.

I think I said that to myself one day 18 months ago.
This time I’ll stick to it.

It was a lovely Xmas, spent not really doing very much.

In days gone by, I made a point every Xmas Day of going for a run, or a canoe, as a point of principle.

It definitely got on my wife’s nerves, that routine.
This year, in my new life, circumstances have rather cramped my style in that respect , so indoors I stayed, missing the old days, sure, but also NOT missing the non stop smiling of my children, as they loved every minute of the day.
I can’t help but think about how it almost was – me not here at all, dying in France, as I oh so nearly did.
My girls may have spent their Xmas day in tears, missing their Dad.

That’s a painful thought to even contemplate.

My youngest daughter has that rare gift of unselfishness and charity.

She’d rather give her pocket money to good causes, or for buying others gifts than spend it on herself.

She’s asked if we can go round the houses and collect money for Battersea Dogs and Cats Home.
I looked online to see what the official requirements are.
So you need to be over 18 ( I am ) and have a licence from the council.
It takes at least a month, by which time I’ll be in America….

At the risk of arrest,we’ll get a tin and take our chances out there on the streets. If you see a little girl and a bloke in a wheelchair collecting pennies around Chiswick, it’s not ‘official’ but it’ll all get to Battersea.
If you’re moved to help Amber’s cause and donate yourself and then tell me you have, and maybe how much ( optional ) then it’ll make a little girl very happy.

And that’ll make me smile too.