All posts by Russ

Previous.

Events

It’s not the first time I’ve had an injury below the waist.

Twenty five years ago someone took the below picture ( when I wasn’t looking…. Obvs )

Whilst playing rugby I got an accidental kick in the balls, and they swelled so much that they came right out of my shorts .

I went to hospital and whilst in a cubicle about 20 people came in, one after one, all with very serious expressions .

It soon dawned on me that I could hear laughter after most of them left the exam area .

In the end a doctor stuck a massive syringe in there, and after trying to pull out the plunger with all his might , gave up,  nothing in the way of fluid or blood having come out.

He then gave up and sent me home, only for Dani to find it highly entertaining to invite most of her girlfriends around for a look.

The picture below was how they still looked 3 weeks later.

image

Events

In This hospital I’d seen Sel ( when he could still walk and talk ) for the last time, not too long ago.

I keep thinking about that, here in this bed, during a long and disturbed night. I was taken back, mentally, to Stoke Mandeville – constant taking of my blood pressure and the various needles in my right arm, feeding me intravenous antibiotics and saline.

Ive grown to dislike hospitals.

Events

Again I find myself in Charing Cross hospital.

After an unpleasant morning  I felt suddenly cold and began to shake. My temperature rose to 39 degrees C whilst in the hospital waiting area.

If this post isn’t very literate I’m sorry.

Almost – 3 miles from the Chapel of Rest, Dani turned back, seeing I couldn’t speak and my head down

Ive been denied the chance to say goodbye to Selcuk. I never got to give him my and his loyal friend Arti’s messages.

im sorry Sel it’s just not fair  why do I seem cursed at every turn

I felt a dread that I’d not see my daughters again, and cried when they eventually came

how much more can go wrong to one person  the problem is an infected testicle   There’s no reason I’d have that except my long running UTI – the fault of being given the wrong drug for the last 2 months , making my crap life worse

the ward is so hot and I’m burning up  the nurses seem to find it funny? My SCI makes my body unable to regulate my temperature  and I am alone

I’m so sorry Sel

I feel helpless and weak

 

An afterthought.

Events

A very, very close friend of mine, in response to my latest M25 experience, texted this:

You ok mate ?
That must of put the fear of god in you
Hope you ok?

 

It was only when I read that text that I realised that fear is the normal emotion in this circumstance.

As it was though, I felt no fear at all. Nothing. All I thought about was moving my leg off the brake.

I suppose that the obvious conclusion is that I have little sense of self preservation, or fear of death.

Another life used up?

Events

Half an hour ago, whilst on the M25, in the middle lane, in Rush Hour, my car suddenly screeches to a virtual halt. My right leg  has spasmed hard and hit the brake pedal.

I have no sensation or control of what my legs are doing, but have to reach down and pull my stiff leg with my right arm, to get it off the brake, before chaos ensues.

Now that I’m home the spasming continues unabated. Last night at 4.30 am I gave up and took a sleeping pill, allowing me 3 hours slumber.  I don’t feel particularly tired today but spasming and lack of sleep are probably entwined in a vicious never ending circle.