A female live in assistant required to help me.
I had a cycling accident 4 years ago, and I’m now in a wheelchair, and single.
I need help with some personal care, such as washing and dressing, and getting into and out of bed because I just can’t do that by myself.

I’m out a lot and i make every effort to fill my days and evenings, but I do need assistance with things like cleaning and laundry, and I’m a hopeless cook, so you’d need to be able to do that. I’d need you to accompany me sometimes when I go places, especially if I drive as I can’t get into or out of the car without assistance. If you are over 25 with a clean licence I could put you on my car insurance, though that’s not essential.

I need someone that’s reasonably physically strong, and not allergic to exercise, but by no means a body builder… You’d need to be able to put my wheelchair in my car for example ( but my 12 year old daughter can do that, for example, so it’s not exactly heavy )

A full time live in could be perfect or else 2 people that can work by rotation.

I live in a lovely apartment, and you’d have your own bedroom ( obviously ) and ensuite bathroom, and full use of all facilities here. It’s in Chiswick and near a tube station and bus routes, and a railway station. Of course there is wifi and cable TV etc, and a great sound system, including on the roof terrace.
I might need you to come to the cinema and live music too. I buy the popcorn as well, and the drinks.

I need a fun personality, who appreciates life, and is proactive and sociable , and doesn’t mind staying up late sometimes.

I use a gym every day, and you can use it too, if you come with me. I can give you endless fitness tips, if you like.

Apply early to beat the rush… 🙂

Russ

A Syrian arrives in London as a new immigrant to Great Britain.
He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says, “Thank you Mr. Britishman, for letting me come into this country, giving me housing, Income support, free medical care, free housing and a free education!”
The passer-by says, “You are mistaken, I am Egyptian.”
The man goes on and encounters another passer-by. “Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in Great Britain.”
The person says, “I not British, I am Pakistani.”
The new arrival walks further, and the next person he sees he stops, shakes his hand, and says, “Thank you for wonderful country Great Britain!”
That person puts up his hand and says, “I am from Afghanistan. I am not British.”
He finally sees a nice lady and asks, “Are you a British woman?”
She says, “No, I am from Africa.” Puzzled, he asks her, “Where are all the British?”
The African lady checks her watch and says, “Probably at work.”😎

As I’ve been inundated with questions as to what happened at the Sex Clinic (well, 2 people asked me ) I thought I’d better  fess up.

When you’re paralysed, everything below your spinal break doesn’t work any more – and I mean nothing at all – although with drug assistance/ aids, it can, though not properly or completely. When in Stoke Mandeville Hospital i was amazed by the lack of communication about this subject from health professionals. I had one ( voluntary ) chat with Michelle, the paralysis sexpert, herself in a wheelchair, and she told me all about ‘sex post paralysis ‘. I have to say that it was completely pointless and unhelpful, relying on her own experience as a Paralysed WOMAN. She told me all about romantic baths and candles and  lighting – all very nice, all that, except it wasn’t clear how I’d get in and out of the bath, especially with all that slippery bath oil all over the place, with the certain combustion hazard of lit candles and a paraplegic covered in oil….  I mean I wanted desperately for her to scream ‘ oh baby you’re on fire!’ … but not for her to mean it literally.

So essentially I learned F All from Michelle, unless  I’d ended up recovering from paralysis and then got with a paraplegic woman, who I could lift in and out of the bath without setting her alight.

So, back to this appointment – Ms Wood questioned me mainly about the strength of my own ‘ Wood’, asking me to rate it out of 10 in different situations. In some of those situations I can neither feel it nor see it, as it’s ‘ somewhere else ‘ … so I had to guess. She explained that there are different drugs that work on different response times, varying from 10 minutes after swallowing to 2 hours, tho most stay in your system for 24 hours, apparently, but do rely on ‘ stimulation ‘ to take effect.

Then i was sent to see Judith, who was the Keeper of The Vibrator. Judith explained that she was just going to slip into something more comfortable and came back in a different nurse’s uniform – shorter skirt, sheerer stockings, and her hair now untied and tousled. Her already red stilettos and matching nail varnish was now complemented with crimson lipstick. The lights dimmed, and the music on, she then went to work, shooting me flirty glances and calling me Big Boy.

Apparently after a few minutes of being vibrated, anything is possible. After 4 years, it’s quite feasible that she’d have had to swim out of the room, dragging me with her to save my life, or even that it can all come out a funny colour, having been in storage for some time…  I was certainly expecting Judith to have to stand back to avoid being pebbledashed, or at least to wear a wipe down poncho and a face visor.

What actually happened next will have to remain unsaid, for the sake of and minors reading this, or potential next wives, the latter for whom I’d rather it be a special moment between us.

I did my utmost to embarrass Stella, by saying that she was a casual internet date with a vested interest in the Orgasmatron machine that was being tested.

A post coital cigarette shared by Judith and I later, and then we were on our way back to London, a few pounds lighter.

Enough said…

So Brixton Academy is accessible by iBot. The tube station in Brixton has a lift and the venue has a crazily illegally steep ramp to get in.

Sundara Karma could be the next big thing. All they need to set the world alight is one really catchy song, to get noticed ( I think ).  If you can sell 3000 tickets and you’re not even famous, then you must be quite talented.

Ricky Gervais is funny. He doesn’t care what he says, and if you’re offended then it’s your problem, not his. He doesn’t seek to offend in the first place, but if you’re a wallflower type, then you definitely didn’t ought to go and see him live. He says c*** an awful lot, but doesn’t only rely on swearing for laughs; far from it. He said that he and his brother had  a philosophy that if something funny comes into your head, that you should just say it, and think about the consequences after. I must admit that I feel much the same way about life, though obviously it can get you into hot water, as it has him, often. He talked about him and his brother, Bob, when they were teenagers and stopped by a copper in their car. As the PC bent over to check one of the car lights, his helmet fell off and a pack of 20 cigarettes fell out from the inside. The copper said ‘ I bet you lads always wondered what a policeman has under his helmet, eh?’

Bob just blurted out  ‘ well I knew it wasn’t fucking brains ‘ …

Can you imagine saying that to a policeman 30 odd years ago?!?

Im in Stanmore hospital, waiting for my Sex Appointment.

The letter was entitled ‘ Vibrator’.
Im not sure what bit they’re going to vibrate, or where they’re going to insert it?

Perhaps they’re going to give me tips on how to use one on a female ? God knows, or rather the appropriately named Sharon WOOD does…

Perhaps she strips and tries to get me in the mood…. I have no idea..

I’ll tell you what happens next..!

People in my situation – the Spinally Cord Injured – nearly always suffer from varying degrees of bladder and bowel problems. Very sadly it’s just how it is when half your body ( or far more )  just doesn’t work properly or at all.

I’ve documented that I had a stoma operation and have a colostomy bag, as that really is an improvement on how it was before I had that operation. Still though, I have problems, as my intestines don’t work properly, as they did before. I have had lots of bloating and spasms. It seems now that I may have happened across a solution though ? If I eat half a coconut per day ( thats about 40 pence ) then  i basically shit for Wales, albeit into a handy bag on my front. I’m far less bloated and look a lot leaner ?!

Coconut is obviously good for you – ask anyone that has been shipwrecked on a desert island and they’ll tell you.

So don’t be shy, eat coconut if you’re constipated ?

( the shy bit was a pun, btw …)

My trip to Portugal was far better than I could have possibly imagined. I have delayed writing about it, as I wanted to see what effect it had on my mood in an ongoing sense.

The trip with the Toulon 12 is always going to be an emotional thing for me, as the association is always going to be primarily with my paralysis, one sunny day in June 2013.

This time I hadn’t been able to do much preparation, in terms of training, and I was very much unsure if I wanted to go at all, so had delayed booking flights until only a couple of weeks before I went.

In the event, it turned out to be the best 4 days I’ve had in 4 plus years. I loved being with the guys – Jeremy ‘Churchy’ Day, Toby, Roy ‘ The Boy’ M, Dickon ‘ The MusicMan’ S, Robbie ‘ Terry Scott’ Fish, Pistol Pete, Ian ‘ One ‘ Ball, Johnny ‘ Sombrero ‘ B, Glenn ‘ nice hair’ Manoff, Sam ‘ New Joysey’ Saff, and  Sanjay ‘ The Indian ‘; and with Stella too, who’s job it was to look after me ( between having a great time eating well and listening to Pistol’s many anecdotes in the van, plus navigating. I need a carer to come with me, as I certainly am not able to be independent post Autumn 2016 surgery, and the guys really probably don’t feel that comfortable with the concept of helping me to undress and help wash my balls ( for example ).  Poor Stella just smiles and probably thinks about something else…

The route was actually very hilly and undulating, so it wasn’t practical for me to attempt to arm bike it all ( i could have, but it would have taken too long ) so I did about 55 miles on the first day, then 30 and 25 miles on the next 2 days. I used the Triride attachment and rode in my wheelchair for about 66km ( combined ) over the last 2 days. Previously I would have considered this to be just cheating, and would not have done it, but this time I just used it as a positive opportunity to ride with my mates. As Triride replaced my motor recently, as I’d had a few mechanical problems, I had confidence in my new engine and it performed very well, going pretty fast up the steep hills.

Since ive been back the positive effects have lingered, I’d say, rather than me having a ‘ come down ‘, which is good. This is despite Stella having gone away for a week to Greece ( what an endless life of holidaying that woman leads…) with her sister, the lovely Anna.

As i was stuck for help for 36 hours, the fab Cherie, Pia and Jo all helped me to do various things during that time. I’m as always very indebted to them.

The RGS lecture nights have resumed, and I went with Bradford Boy Smith last week.  I’ve seen a   film with Lily ( Kingsman – the golden circle ), as well as spent time with Cressida.

Last night I went with a lucky date (?) to the theatre ( get me !)  to see Michael Jackson Thriller Live in the West End. It was actually brilliant, I have to say, and the Lyric theatre have totally got their wheelchair space sorted out – ‘ private box ‘ no less. Claire and I had a real laugh, and going by  Tube in the iBot worked fine. Getting through the packed streets to the Lyric was a lot better in the iBot  ‘ standing up ‘ like RoboCop, than it was being very low in a wheelchair, not being able to see where I was going at all.

I had a flashback moment during the show to the first time I ever heard ‘ Billy Jean’, that being sat in the back of a car ( at 16 years old ) , driven by the late, great Benny Jones of Pontypool, with his son Leigh, who I see a fair bit of these days ( and probably at a gig on Wednesday in Brixton ) Benny was driving us to a West Mon school First IV rugby match, but i can’t recall who we were playing- though pretty sure we won ( we didn’t lose many games ). Back in those days you only heard a new release when it got played on Radio 1, very unlike now where you’ll get it via social media some way or other, or an app.

I am a touch hungover today, as I drink moderately on occasion these days, though a lot less than I used to.

Happy wedding anniversary to Cherie and Matt. I hope Milan was ready for you…

I have various things on this week, including a Spinal Injury sex clinic appointment ( my first ). I’m really not sure what they are going to do with me ( the appointment just arrived in the post ) , but I’m open minded, as always. Stella will come with me, though perhaps not literally… that being incredibly unlikely.

I also have a medical appointment in Stoke Mandeville hospital, a place that I don’t have happy associations with, for obvious reasons, but that night I see Ricky Gervais, which should be funny and make up for it.