I’ve had less spasms since they stuck the long needle into my back and withdrew some stuff to test.

It didn’t hurt, but the local anaesthetic wasn’t necessary as I feel nothing over most of my back in any case.
Only my shoulders really have proper sensation.
Despite mentioning this to the doctor who was sticking in the needle, he said the usual – ok, now a slight scratch sensation’ – it seems to have taken over from the Carry On Doctor ‘ok now you’ll feel my small prick ‘ – as the expression of choice.

I said ‘ no, I won’t feel it’ but he still couldn’t stop himself saying it again when he put in the next needle 2 minutes later.

Insensitive, no pun intended.

I think that the volume of stuff that they took out to test may have reduced the fluid pressure in that infected area, giving me less spasms, but that’s only my theory, and I’d expect the pressure to build up again soon anyway.
As I write, there’s a fair bit of jerking already in fact.

As I’ve been banned from getting into my arm bike until further notice, I’m gonna have to find something else that burns calories and doesn’t aggravate my spine.
I automatically reduce my food intake without even thinking about it to keep the intake/expenditure balance level, but I’ll want to do something for my sanity.

We watched ‘ Touching the Void’ earlier on the telly. I saw it years ago and read the book, and was horrified by the challenges that Joe Simpson faced after he :
Fell and broke his leg
Had his rope cut by his climbing partner
Disappeared into a bottomless cravass.
Dragged himself out to find himself miles from help
Fell at every step in agony as he tried to reach somewhere better.

When I last saw it I was blown away by the bad luck that he encountered at every turn.

Today I felt I understood what might have been going through Joe’s mind as things kept going wrong despite his efforts.

Joe did eventually get there, despite all the obstacles in his way.

Recognise this situation ?
I do, often.

Oh shit there’s ******
He’s in a wheelchair! I heard about an accident?! Shit !

Oh shit there’s ******** she’s wearing a wig and has lost 3 stones, just like someone who might have cancer and is undergoing chemotherapy !?

Oh shit there’s XXXXX I’m sure he used to have TWO real legs, not one that’s made of plastic ??!

Fuckfuckfuckfuckshitfuck!
What the hell? What do I say?? What facial expression shall I pull??!

Got it! He/ she’s got a slight tan! Phew!

‘ Hey! You’re looking so brown!! Where’ve you just been for your holidays?! How long for?? How was the flight/ yes, awful that airport , the queues ! I was delayed for half an hour there once ! Anyway, good to see you looking so well, byyyyeeeee…..

Think I got away with that.
Didn’t I ?

# awkward.

So I had a very long MRI scan ( that does soft tissue/spinal cord/muscle etc very well, and then a Cat Scan after that.

There were no cats anywhere to be found in my body, but apparently it’s also very good for looking at bones.

I saw my consultant – very ‘old school’ typa guy, quite formal/ def not one to cast doubt or comment on any previous medic’s failure to pick up a longstanding massive inflammation in my spine / calls me by my surname only/ well dressed / reading glasses on top of head/ keen not to say anything at all that may later prove to be in any way inaccurate – so deliberately vague ( ish ) about everything – after that, and I asked him a lot of questions. I did actually apologise for the amount of them, but did say that as it’s all private medicine ( on insurance – obviously – or else I wouldn’t be here ) then I could feel free to ask him as many questions as I wanted to, which ( almost ) got a smile.

Anyway, he explained that in all likelihood I had an infection in 2 vertebrae, that had been there for at least a few months ( I asked him could it have been since September and he did the ‘ vague ‘ thing )
and that my inflammatory blood count was 101 ( rather than less than 1 ).
I would need EITHER/OR/BOTH 3 months of antibiotics / an operation to remove some of my infected and rotten spine with a replacement non metal ‘ cage’ put in whilst the bone re-grew to replace the stuff cut out.
I could do no spine aggravating exercise for months, and no straightening op would be considered until all infection was gone ( as metal screws and rods would all attract bacteria that would bugger me up for far longer and be far harder to get rid of )
He didn’t use the word ‘ bugger’ , that was mine.

I get sedated tomorrow, and a needle stuck into my spine ( look out you could paralyse a patient doing that – but I think I’m ok ) to withdraw some gunk from the area.
That’ll be analysed and he’ll let me know on Friday what he thinks.

Now you know all I do ( all 12 of you )

Thanks for reading.

I was thinking earlier .. when I was here 3 years ago and people were desperately hoping that I wasn’t actually paralysed, there wasn’t room in the waiting area for any more people … now that I am definitely paralysed I just got the one visitor.

Cheers , Toby.
Thanks for the chat, and the company, and the Maltesers ( I’m sure you ate most of them ? )

When I think about the fact that pretty much everything has become more difficult, rather than less difficult to do – all the physical things, I mean – it now makes sense.

The pain that I can’t feel has manifested itself as spasms and rigidity. When I see other paraplegics, they are able to ( with their hands ) move their legs about pretty easily to helpful positions ( to get into cars/ out of cars/ onto bed etc etc ) very easily. I have been increasingly unable to do that stuff, everything having gone stiff below my injury. I’ve actually put on about 6 pounds in muscle ( below my injury ) as my legs muscles have been contracting, and growing. Whilst it’s not particularly aesthetic to have spindly legs, it does make life easier when they’re lighter when you’ve only got your arms.

I try to see some sort of light at the end of this long tunnel, even though the best case scenario isn’t exactly rosy.

I feel tired most of the time and I feel ill.

Instinctively I suspect that it’s psychosomatic, now that I know I have something unpleasant going on inside me, but then I’m not sure, as I am very tired despite doing no exercise at all.

I’ll find out by the end of the week exactly what the latest piece of bad fortune is, and then perhaps it’s upwards from there ( other than the downwards of major surgery and drug regime )
I go into hospital on Monday morning, but maybe only for 2 days.

For now though time is passing even more slowly than usual and I seem less able to concentrate again.

I figure that it’s logical to stop doing the things that make me spasm, on the basis that the bloody spasms are a sign of being in agony ( that I can’t actually feel ).

Of course I’ve been doing the opposite for ages – doing stuff that is supposed to stop spasms – like getting myself in the Stand frame or Stand up chair, stretching myself out, and lying on my front ( very hard to do )
Now I know that all I’ve been doing is stressing my already swollen/infected spine.
I’ve had so many hospital visits these last 6 months, and this ( major ) problem has been missed every time.

Not really impressed. Good old NHS my arse – a private consultation proved very revealing.

So…
The blood test showed that I have a big style internal inflammation somewhere – more than likely an infection ( or other ) in my spine.

If I weren’t totally without sensation I’d be in excruciating pain all the time – the surgeon said – so there’s a good reason for the spasms! Obviously a ‘ normal ‘ person would be feeling pretty unwell too, and I am I imagine, but I don’t really know it…..

So it’s back to London Bridge hospital ( deja vue – back to August 2013 ) for an urgent admission and biopsy and all sorts of MRI typa stuff.
Then an operation, in all likelihood.

Ah, the joys.

With another UTI setting in, and a second sleepless night ahead, my spell of positivity looks proven to be premature.

It’s shocking to me how rapidly the worst thoughts return to haunt me.

I am powerless to stop the jumping and jerking of my legs, and paucity of sleep that leads to.

It leaves me angry and upset and wanting out.

I met Will.i.am yesterday.
Just by chance.

He said ‘ we’ve not met?’

I said ‘ Don’t you know who i am, Will?

I thought it was funny anyway.

I told Amber he was outside our house.
She immediately ran out to see if she could shoot him with her new waterpistol.

That’s my girl. 🙂