I can be miserable/ angry/ frustrated for the rest of my life, or

I can accept what I’ve got left and be happy. 

Simple, right?

The first option is the easy one. 

Every day on waking your first realisation is that you still  can’t feel or use ANYTHING from tummy button downwards – nothing, zilch – no use to you at all. 

The second is the feeling of almost overwhelming sadness that it’s like this. 

( I can’t jump out of bed, go to the loo, get dressed quickly, bounce downstairs , kiss my wife and girls, go outside into the shed, pull my kayak off the rack, stick it on my car and go…. Or get on my bike, or chase the girls around the house or make tea and bring it upstairs for Dani and I – none of those normal things are anywhere near possible. )

What I can do is, for now, wait for someone ( Dani, or here the nurse ) to offer to help me. That’s to get me onto a ‘shower ( commode ) chair to wheel to the loo, whereupon I instigate the bowel regime, followed by a wheel over to the shower, still in the same chair  and wash myself. Then a wheel back, and more help into the bed  then 20 minutes to get dressed, then into my proper wheelchair for the day. 

Getting to the point where all that becomes ‘fine’ is apparently achievable. 

That’s only the very start to the day. 

I’ve not really DONE anything yet. 

Not faced the world, contributed in any way to anybody or any thing. 

I’ll have to get into a car, drive to work, do my job professionally, be the Boss, and get home again afterwards. 

These things at the moment seem unachievable. 

There’s someone that I don’t actually know that reads my blog and has twice accused me, via the Comments option, of being arrogant. 

If she ( Babs M? ) knew the pain and sadness I feel currently almost all of my waking moments perhaps she wouldn’t use that word. She obviously doesn’t KNOW me at all. 

If my writings have come across that way then I’m sorry. I think it’s called putting on a brave face. If she’s getting the wrong end of the stick regularly, perhaps she shouldn’t read it? Insulting me hits pretty hard.

 Well done if that’s actually her objective. 

Who knows?

Last night 13 of my staff and colleagues took me out for a Xmas curry close to here. Thanks all, it was fun, tho my voice felt weak and slurred all night. 

It’s hard for me to have them see my like this, and I’m sure hard for them too. 

However, they were all lovely. 

Thanks to Jana for organising and to Scott, Ina and Irinder for driving me back and forth. 

So… Wallow in misery or get on with life?

I know the ideal, but carrying it out is a million times harder than writing it down. 

Watch this video to understand a lot more about what it’s like/ how it happens. 

Russ

He seems to always bring a beautiful woman with him, though rarely the one he married….

Today it was the ever glam Sally. We had a pretty interesting and varied chat to be honest! Details best left out of this diary perhaps but all good. 

They brought lunch, which went down a treat. 

Then I saw Dani (always brightens my life) and Ruth ( about 2 stones lighter than the last time I saw her!) Ruth is a very funny and smart lady. 

It’s good that quite a few people have said that my accident has made then reassess their own lives, perhaps deciding that their priorities need repositioning. 

If good has come from such an awful thing then it helps to address the imbalance that brings me down daily. 

Thanks Ruth. 🙂

Shocking what’s out there..

It was insensitive. 

I suppose I club myself, living with this, alongside other ‘victims of health misfortunes’ so as part of the same ‘club’ am able to joke about ‘us’ as a section of society. 

That was wrong of me, I’m sure. 

Sorry to anyone offended. 

I’ll limit my attempts at humour to only those with the same condition as myself in future. 

They loaded 2 old ladies, plus myself, in our wheelchairs, tied us down with security straps, started up the throaty motor,  and we were off!

Parallels with the Variety Sunshine Bus, familiar to unkind school children everywhere, were not lost on me….

10 minutes later we were unloaded in the shopping Mecca that is….Aylesbury Town Centre. 

Grace, Jill and I set off for Poundland first, where I wheeled down the aisles, basket on my lap. Stocking fillers my objective, I easily frittered away 23 quid on the tat that the tradition merits. 

This is the first year that I won’t be able to sneak upstairs in the dead of the night to fetch empty stockings from beds, to return them minutes later bulging at the seams with space occupying, but cheap, treats. 

Is that one of the best parts of Xmas or what? My youngest, Amber,  stopped believing in Father Xmas last year, but funnily enough didn’t stop believing in the stocking idea.. 

To be honest, seeing their faces as they opened a dozen or so badly wrapped ( by me ) trinkets was just magic. 

I reckon I’ll want them to have stockings til they’re about 30, as I love the whole thing. 

Next we went to Boots, where I just got confused by the endless variety of cosmetics, and shavers, at my new eye level, enticed by nothing I saw ( it all seemed so expensive after Poundland !)

I made us go into TopShop after that, where I went crazy, buying 2 things…

Grace and Jill left empty handed, untempted by the sexy Santa knickers at 3 for £10. 

Flying down the sloping Mall next, we shot into Marks’, up the lift and into the M and S cafe. 

Other than our helpers, Rosie and Danielle, I was probably the only person in there under 70. To fit in, I enthusiastically sipped my cup of tea, as the minutes ticked away til our deadline of 11 o’clock. 

I introduced the topic of female shaving ( down below ) into the conversation , as  Bev Cracknell had just written a very funny article about it, for the Telegraph. 

The old ladies just looked bemused, the young physio girls slightly uncomfortable at the change of topic from the choice of cakes to the merits ( or not ) of vaginal hair. 

Suddenly, as I was just getting into my stride,  it was time to go home?

Back down the lift, into the bus again, and home in no time, our shopping extravaganza over as quickly as it had begun….. 

Christ, what an outing that was. 

I had no idea being in a wheelchair could be so much fun. 

Bit odd, but ok. 

It’s business as usual from tomorrow though,  thankfully. 

I get to catch a bus to the shops tomorrow!

Gosh, my first shopping for 6 months ( actually that’s about the normal interval )

I suppose I’d better buy some things. 

Presents would be a good idea. 

The most likely beneficiaries ? 

You guessed it.

My girls. 

Hope I see something(s) nice for them in Aylesbury shopping centre. 

It’s not exactly the Kings Road but then again I’ve got cheap taste ;). 

Wish me luck that I’ll get there at all, toilet routine permitting….

It’s ok, but it feels empty. 

It definitely makes me feel sad when I think about it, so I’ll try not to. 

I’ve got about 10 books to read and there’s always the TV. ..

I’m sure it’ll fly by. 🙂