It’s not been the healthiest of weeks.

My scribbled speech ( such that it was ).


I wrote these few words about 2 hours ago.

I’ve always gone with the principle that a speech written at the last minute makes it better, as it’s kinda adrenaline fuelled and funnier – unlike Dani herself – the only time she’s adrenaline fuelled is when barging through the crowds at last orders, or to get that last minute essential hair, massage manicure and pedicure Combi appointment.

There isn’t a place in the world that Dani has visited where she hasn’t scoped out the pampering scene before getting on the plane.

AND THATS WHY SHE ONLY LOOKS LIKE SHES 36….. There’s a lot of money gone into that preservation project !
And also explains why she smells of vinegar.

Anyway…… We are all here to celebrate ( or is it more like commemorate ) her 50 th birthday

I’ve known her for 31 of those years and to be honest she’s not changed very much.
What I mean by that is that on the way back from the restaurant 2 nights ago, she did a moony out of the car window ( shamefully encouraged AND ACCOMPANIED by my God daughter, Emily – shows what a great job I’ve done in terms of moral guidance there then )

THREE full moons that night, though one was a fair bit fuller than the other two.

Looking around the place this week , I’ve realised that so many of you were at Dani’s 40th party, mine too, my 30th and hers, our girls Christenings, and our wedding. And some even at house parties we had in Uni, when tellies were black and white. Except for Dani’s that is, who even then had expensive taste. Not that she had a TV license. When the TV licence inspector came round, she and Lisa pulled the sofa 3 feet from the wall and ‘hid’ the TV behind that , distracting the inspector by only wearing their skimpy nighties.

At least 2 of you were there fighting with me in a mass brawl in the Rising Sun pub in Pontypool – no prizes for guessing who ( our Alwyn and Stuart )

You’ve all come a long way for tonight ( thank god the drinks were free til half past 8, right ? ) for which we are as a family very grateful.
I first met Dani in Uni, having just knocked my teeth out, then again having just accidentally stabbed myself , and she’s stuck with me through my latest calamity as well, without complaint.
For which of course I’m grateful, eternally.

This night isn’t about me, but I do know that you’re all here for Dani and I, not only for her.

When I hit 50, some years away obviously, I hope that at least some of you lot will still be alive to come to my party, probably a Bring a Bottle night in a community hall in Acton, but you’re all invited regardless.
Despite having quite a lot of successes in our lives, the thing Dani and I are most proud of are our two beautiful daughters – Lily ( fashionista and Dani -chip -off -block ) and Amber – more like me ( loves Poundland and farting ) 2 very different but equally lovely girls…… United in the love and adoration they have for their Mum, who is without doubt an incredible Mother. .
Nobody knows how their kids are going to turn out in the end, but so far ours seem okay, thanks to Dani’s efforts, and despite me and my genes.

I think it’s a given that, as we have practiced at parties so much, this one will be a good one, and not our last.
They don’t seem to get any quieter or duller with the passing of time, and neither do our friends. We invited Most of our favourite people in the whole world.
But they were busy, so you lot came instead.

I love my wife very much, I love my daughters very much, and I love you lot very much.

It’s only a matter of time before Granny Dani has to be carried home, but until then, make sure it’s the best party she’s ever been to.

And please take photos so that she has some sort of recollection of her coming here.

Ok, so could you please raise whatever glass you happen to have nearest to you to The Amazing Danielle.

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