And I’m still in hospital. Going a little stir crazy. It’s definitely like being in a prison, though an open one. Paralysis is like a prison too of course, an athletic man locked inside a body that doesn’t move. So I’m in a prison that’s in a prison at the moment.

I can break out of one, but never the other. One is a light sentence and the other a life sentence ( where life means life )

Aside from that constant, and this temporary, im ok. Thé anaesthetic definitely affects me mentally, and 2 weeks on im sort of back to normal inside my head. Dark thoughts were a bit rampant, there was a euphoria briefly too, then a hopelessness, a resignation, some optimism shot through here and there, a few laughs too. I’ve even watched some TV – the Bodyguard thing ( ok tho a bit far fetched ! ) and The Apprentice ( which is apparently really popular). Why on Earth is that show highly rated? The contestants are on the whole pretty dense and are encouraged to stab each other in the back at every opportunity, followed by lots of hugging and high fives when they don’t get fired.

It’s bloody weird frankly. If I had employees like that I’d be looking to get rid. Obviously it’s a competition, with one winner but the connivance and two facedness surely aren’t qualities that are admirable in anyone. Would you seriously want to work FOR any of those people, or for Sugar? If kids think that this is how the workplace is then they are mistaken ( and I do hope that the workplace never becomes Sugarfied. Trust, respect and teamwork all the way, for me )

The picture enclosed is the Apprentice version of Teamwork…

And my heart goes out to my dear friend, Marky, who lost his younger sister yesterday.

What a lovely guy he is, and I’m sorry I cannot make things better for him.

Oh and I’m having an R2D2 voice box installed so I at least sound like a fuckin robot, given im more metal than flesh now….

So what of Henry the crazy sailor, my ex canoe partner , I hear you ask.

Well, he’s now on a sand bank in Folkstone, having crashed again, got a hole and almost sunk.

He’s lost 2 phones, a ( new )  ipad and   his Ship to Shore emergency  VHF radio, all having been dropped into the Solent ( bit of ocean between England and The Isle of Wight ). That in itself takes some doing, especially whilst not actually sailing anywhere…

He’s waiting for the rising tide to lift him off apparently. Hopefully he’ll remember then that he has to pull his anchor up onto the top of the boat, rather than just sail along dragging it behind him. Who knows? He holed the boat by crashing into a World War 2 harbour, just below sea level. I’m no sailor…. but I imagine there are bouys in the vicinity, and certainly charts that tell you where rocks and harbours are….and possibly even waves crashing over submerged rocks to give you a clue too? As well as mermaids sitting on the rocks in the evenings.

Anyway, bizarrely he’s now heading east, to ‘ go round the world ‘ rather than the obvious west.

Would you head out to the Atlantic for certain death if you couldn’t sail, or head towards France, and try to cross the Channel where it’s narrowest? My sailor buddy, Ian , had this to say –

‘Wight Cat ( his boat ) wasn’t in Colwell when I sailed past so assumed he / it had sunk and / or he’d moved on and sunk. Sounds like the latter is more accurate! I’m all up for people starting new adventures but the RNLI will go bust if they have to rescue him again! I’d like to remain optimistic about his future, especially as it sounds like he’s going to do some courses and get some qualifications. He still needs time on the water under sail – and a lot of it practicing his sailing and navigation skills. V odd that he’s gone east to Folkestone – presumably because he thinks it’s easier to get to France by crossing from Dover to Calais being the narrowest and therefore shortest distance. In theory correct but it’s also the busiest narrow stretch of commercial seaway in the world with merchant ships the size of small islands and killer tides pushing him east or west up to 2 to 5 miles east or west each hour! We can but hope the repair to his hull fails, Wight Cat sinks and he gets off safe and sound before she becomes another wreck in the English Channel. ⛵🌊☠‘

There you go then – the words from Captain ( Ian C ) Haddock.

Our ‘enry is gonna die whether he goes East or West, I’d venture.

There are parallels between Enry and I, my one time kayak partner,  i feel. Both of us were on paths of success, both happy, both definitely not ‘ average in character ‘ but both reckless in nature.

For us both, the wheels fell off one day. For sure in very different ways, and only one of us woke up next to a dead boyfriend. The other almost didn’t wake up at all, a few times. Both of us have tried suicide ( me properly, him I don’t know- 2 overdoses apparently ).

Now one of us is probably going to be ok, but the other is seemingly intent on dying ( through a disregard for his own safety ).

I’d forgive you for not being sure which one of us is which.

Russ,

You got that right.  As someone who has experienced the loss of “normal” health and a normal life, I do know exactly what you mean. You truly “don’t know what you’ve got til it’s gone”. I believe that’s from a Linda Ronstadt song.  “Pave paradise, put up a parking lot”.

I admire your daily courage and fortitude in facing the changes your body has experienced.  I have come to the point of acceptance about my health and body being very weak and fragile at present and my future being very uncertain and most likely not as long as it should have been.

My focus at present is putting my affairs in order for my family’s sake. ********************

Like you, I try to make the most of my better days and bear the other days, like today, with as much grace as possible.  I find your blog posts affirming and inspiring.  And I am very glad you’ve made it through this latest operation.

My motto is “If Russ can do it, so can I!”  Although I must confess that I do not manage to do it with nearly the humor with which you manage to,

C’est la vie!

*******

Thanks to my mum, my Aunty Mary, and Aunt Cressida for visiting.

All at the same time?!

What are the chances? Like London buses.

Im yet again having to get used to another new body – this one very stiff and unbending ( well that was the objective, but it doesn’t mean I like the result )

I have very little in the way of movement. I can’t lean or turn around at all, not that I could much before ( other than where the screws coming out allowed me to in a way that wasn’t mentally comfortable )

Jeez, don’t ever take being normal for granted- from recollection it’s absolutely amazing.

I had to be taken downstairs to X-ray today, to see if it’s all intact.

They push me in the bed.

When with the radiographer ( nice, smiley lady of about 30 )

Can you get onto the X-ray bed for me ?

Im sorry, I can’t. I’m paralysed from the chest down.

Oh ok.

I’m slid sideways across a slippery board to have the first X-ray done.

Can you just roll over onto your side for the next one , please.

I can’t – I have no movement from the chest down.

Oh ok.

2 people turn me onto my side for the X-ray and do it. Then they turn me onto my back.

Can you just lift up your left leg please?

No….. I’m paralysed, so not possible…

This discourse is quite a regular occurrence, and it’s no better in hospitals than it is in the outside world.

It’s been suggested that it’s just people’s routines and they forget.

I practiced as an optometrist  for 27 years. I didn’t once forget that someone in a wheelchair was certainly in it for a reason, or forget someone was wearing a wig just after I noticed and and accidental pull it off with the hooked end of the optician’s spectacle frame,  or ever say something completely daft, like ‘see you next year’ to someone who had just said they probably had 3 months to live, or ‘ say hi to your husband ‘ to a lady that had 10 minutes earlier told me he had passed away 3 weeks ago.

And my ‘ routine ‘ was quite a repeating thing.

So why do so many people struggle to remember? Beats me.

It’s been up and down a bit, post surgery. Spikes in temperature are normal apparently. In other words I get feverish periods, what seems like quite a lot.

I must have been in one last night as I watched Golf on telly. I don’t think I’ve ever done that before, and don’t think I will again. There’s some sort of Cup on, and a fair bit of chest pumping. Can anyone get that revved up about golf? Obviously yes, they can. That’s a reflection on the sedentary, non dangerous world, too many people like in perhaps. Mind you, if you got hit by one of those lil white balls, it could kill you, so perhaps that should be factored in. I wonder if golfers should have been used in war time, like archers were? Far more of interest to boast about at the 19th – how many kills that day ….

Actually perhaps I am still a bit delerious?

From Rob.

He looks so nice when you meet him, as well.

‘In the old days, gender fluid was cum or fanny batter.’

Thank you to everyone that has messaged me, emailed me or visited. I’ve only been here a little while really and I have so many people to say thank you to.

For visiting – Cress, Pia, my mum and dad, Glenn the Canadian, Roy M, Chris ‘ thé cats’ H , and wee Russ, and of course to Wendy.

Never a quiet moment in my room then. Aren’t I supposed to be sleeping all day or something ? Anyway, I’m not, obviously.

Plus, since I’ve gone Gender Neutral, I’ve heard of another male friend of mine that’s come out of the closet, to the surprise of his wife and kids.

Lets face it, you’re going to soon be in a minority unless you get assigned to a classification pretty soon, whether it’s a mainstream minority (like Gay, lesbian,  bisexual  or Curious ) or something more exotic like me.

I think perhaps it’s best to start your own minority and invite people to join it.

Anyone up for being the second Gender Fluid Welsh wheelchair’ist with Tourette’s ?