Funny Russ story

Since I’ve been cited as a partial instigator of recounting funny stories involving Russ, I feel it’s only right that I submit something about one of my many funny memories.

Russ is funny most of the time and makes me laugh like no one else I know. I love spending time with him for this reason.

It was on my wedding day – 22 years ago – there’s more than one funny story about this day – but for me the funniest moment was when Russ, unbeknown to anyone, switched some of the wedding guests copies of the Hymn sheets, with his own version of the Hymns that Charlie and I had carefully and meaningfully chosen for our wedding service. Imagine my shock horror when it came to belting out the words to Jerusalem to find some really quite disgusting words in place of the puritanical biblical words.

I remember turning back towards the congregation behind me, as I stood at the altar trying hard to look like a demure bride, and my eyes met with the big beaming face of Russ Dawkins looking very chuffed with himself!! I have never tried so hard in my life to suppress my uncontrollable giggles as the tears streamed down my face! The Vicar & Charlie’s family had no idea, luckily, about what was going on as only some of the congregation had the Russ Dawkins version of the Hymn sheets!

I’m wondering if you still have a copy of the Hymn sheet Russ?

Clair.
Sent from my iPad

This was sent by my Uni housemate ( who shall remain nameless, for the sake of his own reputation in this diary )
All the words in brackets are written by me, and are probably closer to the truth…
Many stories my friend but not so many publishable ones!

But as a starter for 10, how about your summer home alone in Moy Rd? ( I needed money so worked on a building site for 7 weeks rather than spend a summer at home )

In no particular order, except the first one which is clearly the funniest!

1. Beginning of term, Hartley, Jon and I got back to find a bunch of 10 year olds who lived in the road sporting T-shirts with Russ the Muss written on them. And that you’d been doing shoulder presses in the street with a broomstick as the bar and a 10 year old on each end as the weights! It was like that scene from Rocky – they followed u everywhere and kept asking if you wanted to come out to play! ( I’m sure they were older than ten )

2. You and Uba ( Nigerian – public school educated – prince type – not many of those in Cardiff in 1985 ) mowed the lawn with a pair of nail scissors…( what’s wrong with that?! )

3. The bathroom window got smashed and you couldn’t recall doing it cos u were so pissed and blamed it on me. I couldn’t recall it either and actually believed it was me! Took Pat the neighbour to put us right! ( I wasn’t pissed, I was sleep walking, naked. Out the back door, into the garden, where I was seen to pick up a brick, throw it through my own bathroom window, and then walk back in – the old guy next door saw the whole thing as he was hanging out his washing )

4. Bored, you went through all our personal belongings. We returned to find dodgy photos of us all on the wall behind the Woodville pub bar… ( possibly true )

5. You worked all summer on a building site and blew it all on lumberjack shirts and a dodgy white denim jacket! ( cool back then?)

6. And finally there was a note from one of our neighbours (never identified) which said ” I seen you. I seen you shitting on our doorstep!” A charge you always denied but I did always suspect it could have been true! ( I have no idea what really happened – but generally got blamed for everything )

Cheers bud!

Sent from Samsung tablet.

A slight variation on the plan:

If anyone has a ( humorous ) story involving me – that’s ‘publish-able’ , then please send too!

Russ

My friend ( Clair ) suggested that as a ‘coping strategy’ I write here on my blog about funny things that have happened to me in the past.

As I’m not feeling altogether cheerful, it will probably affect how I recount stuff, but I’ll have a go.

If you find something funny, please tell me.

That’ll at least justify my having made the effort.

At last I slept deeply.

9 hours straight. I suppose there comes a point where you’re just so tired that despite such things as uncontrollable legs that move and kick all by themselves, you just sleep regardless.

Tonight is our annual pre Xmas Chiswick Xmas dinner – celebrated by the same lot for 25 years ( well, we are the only ones not to miss one ) ) and there are about 26 people coming. Every one has to bring stuff and help, so it works really well (tho inevitably its more work for whoever hosts it than anyone else )  I feared that my fatigue would really kill it for me. I’m in charge of party games, and I’ve thought of a new one -called Gay or Straight?  As no one knows the rules except me, and I’m not actually taking part, it should be a laugh …

And  I’m in charge of the Music Quiz. I’ve noticed over the years that people imagine themselves to be music quiz geniuses when they get pissed, but the reality is the opposite, just far more noisy shouting out of totally incorrect answers…

Thanks.. In no particular order  ( except for the first person ) to :

Dani,

Irum and Farah for today, and our late afternoon and evening out ( after my psychiatric appt – where I was encouraged to adopt the mind strategy that I am grateful for being in a wheelchair – not as bonkers as it sounds ),

Adeelah, Jana and the team in Egham,

Charlotte,

Lisa Jones for her long and beautifully written letter to me,

Pia, for being Pia, and Cliff and Holly for their tolerance,

Jo, for being gay Jo,

Dan for his ongoing support,

Jo Midgely for being so pissed that even tho I was very very drunk, I felt sober next to her,

Danny  and Pippa  Kishon for making me laugh

Rich, Trudy, Jack and Luke K for a great 18th birthday party, and Sarah F for being the Vagistrate

Toby for breakfast, and advice,

Sian for her concern,

Glenn for his,

Larry for drinking my beer,

Roy and Dickon for a different breakfast  and their strength,

Most of Team WDF cyclists, plus partners, plus Jules and Vaughan, for all coming to my house for a Loire cycle ride reunion,

Mike Smith for his ‘ don’t let the bastards get you down’ approach,

My Mum for her texts,

Sas and the Park Club for a big night out,

Andrew Pelosi for proving that business contacts can also be close friends,

Colin White for his party,

Clair Mason for her love,

Stu Metcalf for his empathy,

Charlie Perkins for being a horse’s arse,

Roy  in advance for tomorrow, and likewise Rob Colliver,

Sandra K, Monique, Arti and the 2 Chris’s  for their messages,

Jayney C for her humour,

and all the other people that prove their friendship over and over again.

• A message from a cool guy I’ve not seen for years, that I did a team race ( 5 days ) about 7 years ago..

Seems a hell of a lot has changed since we were thrown together on remote scottish island!

Sorry to hear about the accident and to read that you are going through a particularly difficult time with it.

I realise that we only met for a short time and that I am surely not the best person to comment etc but I am sure you will get through it stronger. What I will always remember about you from that difficult week is not (just) the athletic performance but the fact that while the rest of us were falling apart mentally not only did you keep us together but it didn’t seem to phase you and you cracked on regardless. Not only that but you always did with great banter too. Without that I am sure it wouldn’t have been remotely as enjoyable as it was…. Plus Quentin may have not made it back alive as we would have surely killed him.

Easier said that done Russ but hope you can dig deep and find some of that same character,spirit and resolve I am sure you will be OK, Just forget about the scottish sheep shagging bit!

Hello Russ, “sorry to read you’re having a particularly tough time right now” doesn’t quite cut it and yet I know you write rhetorically not expecting answers, simply expressing the (unimaginable) frustration and unanswerable agony that for you life currently is. Not going to write anything trite, just agreeing with you that your battle all along was/is mainly going to be psychological and you are putting yourself in the very best place to help yourself – and those you love. Hopefully soon you will start to see and value yourself the way others do which truly is as a very smart, funny as Fuck, articulate, talented, inspirational, loving man with so much to give. I am so looking forward to seeing you. X x x

Hey buddy. How are things with you? I had a crash on my bike two weeks ago, bloody broken collar bone and shoulder blade. Been refraining from telling you, I’m not entirely sure why.

Hit a bloody rock in the cycle path, mate I feel SO lucky, I’ve thought about you so many times, I think you were my first thought after I hit the ground. I know how much worse it could have been.

That was a message from a good friend of mine.

Although his injuries are pretty bad, they’ll all heal well and there’ll be no long term effect.

I know that a lot of people think of me every time they get on a bike, and I hope that it makes them more aware of their fragility and vulnerability, so ride more safely. Something good has to come out of my misfortune, right?

I find myself watching cyclists’ behaviour, whether it be from my car or from a pavement. Knowing what I now  know of course, I feel nervous on behalf of others.

I’m struck constantly by the number of people on bikes that seem oblivious to the dangers around them – and I’m not talking about the fast riding courier types that weave in and out of the traffic ( as they have skill and confidence, if not road etiquette ) I’m talking about the Mums without helmets going to the shops, the over 65’s who have never worn a helmet and aren’t going to start  now, that perhaps don’t have the reactions they once had or the vision they did a while ago, the guys not looking behind them as they change direction .

I see the hazards from their perspective, how close they get to calamity, how they don’t appear to notice the mobile phone wielding pedestrian or texting car driver, how when they are fiddling with something in a pocket whilst they ride causes them to veer erratically  into the danger zone.

It makes me hold my breath, how unaware they are of how near to death they are, and makes me realise how relatively safe I was on a bike, by virtue of my constant perception  of potential hazards as I approached them, and readiness to take evasive action.

It makes the unfairness of my crash all the more painful though. Why me? I didn’t deserve it.

But life isn’t like that – shit just happens, tragically.  I could have been killed countless times  on my many forays  out of safety over many years, but I wasn’t .

I maybe could count myself lucky then?

I don’t think that I truly believed that this injury would ever become more of a mental struggle than a physical one – so great and obvious  was the bodily impact on me.  Yet now I think that it has.  Today I think I reached a low point, where I stared into space with no purpose, no will, no desire to continue, no hope, no sense of duty to my loved ones, no nothing, only despair so total that I wanted the abyss to swallow me up and in doing so release me.

Today I was scheduled to see TWO psychiatric practitioners – one a psychotherapist, and the next a consultant psychiatrist. It was  coincidence that  my huge downturn  arrived on this double date day, but as I write this I’m relieved that it did, and that help was at hand.

I didn’t expect that I would be pulled from the morass, and I’m not sure that I really was pulled, but yet I am not as mortifyingly without hope as I was – just because I talked to people and received the constant love and support of Danielle, who didn’t leave my side all day.

I didn’t trust myself to drive to work without injury to myself or anyone else, so I didn’t go in today, which was the only rational thought I had up until my 6 pm appt, the day passing in a general haze.

Thanks to Dr Hopley for his help.  It’s double dose medication from now on, too.

I don’t care, I just don’t want to revisit that place I’ve seen today.