Had a few ( crap ) crap song lyrics sent to me, but I came up with my own, as mine was better….

Here goes…

Baga poo poo poo push pineapple, shake the tree.

Baga poo poo poo push pineapple, grind coffee

Etc etc

Do I win the prize ?

There’s a kind of assumed rule that people don’t need visiting in hospital for a few days/ a week, as ‘ they’ll be asleep or ill or will have their loving family at their bedside 24/7 ‘ 

As none of the above apply to me, then anyone can turn up at any time, and  not worry about it. As there aren’t actually any visiting hours, tea and coffee are free, alcohol is even allowed, and it’s not as though I can get up for a wander about, then please do just call in. Sending me a text is best, or any other kinda message, just in case I happen to have been put somewhere else, like the mortuary.

I do like visitors. They’re a lot better than my own company.

It was very touching to have 3 of the hospital staff  come from their bits of the hospital, to visit me in my bit of the hospital – 3 lovely people from my last prolonged stay here. I don’t think I’m supposed to publicly name staff, so I won’t, just in case.

The two ladies that came yesterday even recognised Pia, who was there at the time, because they read this diary. AM said she read the posts on the train, in the mornings and has a real laugh. She described me as having the World’s best social life?! Well I’m not so sure about that… I just try to stay busy.

They’re trying to make me eat massively high calorie, chemical drinks, apparently on the basis that I must be eating less than I normally do because I’m in hospital.  Actually I’m eating the same as I do when I’m not in hospital- hardly anything!  But there is lots of fruit available upon request, which I’m not  avoiding.  Neither am I spasming… which is a bit of a strange thing for me NOT to witness. I’m not drinking the chemical drinks for any amount of cash.

The hole is my side/front does actually hurt now, but not that much, so I’m avoiding painkillers as much as I can. As I have to pressure relieve by pulling myself over with the bed rails, it makes it hurt more, but never mind.

Just had to get the nurse to empty the blood out of the bag attached to me. It’s a bit of a bloody mess, literally.

Fart count up to 36… wtf?!

Thanks so much to Cherie for visiting – she is one of life’s angels, for sure.

X

Bloody hell. As I am so disturbingly fascinated, I have been counting.  It’s now 5.10 in the afternoon, and since 11am my side has farted loudly TWENTY FIVE times.

How am I ever going to get a girlfriend…?

Hang on, make that 26 now.

Back now  from theatre.
Not inspected my new holes yet.
Lots of blood in the wee bag though.
Feel ok.
Tubes everywhere, as usual post op.

I’ve asked for food, on the basis that I haven’t had any for 2 and a half days, and think I probably ought to, or I’ll waste away ( and muscle is the first to disappear )

My lovely friend, Cherie, who I spent a brilliant afternoon with at the Science Museum last week, is coming to see me later on. We have a shared interest in medical matters, and the 3rd floor of the Museum has all sorts of historic devices to do with that. A lot of it seems absolutely bizarre now, but back when the Earth was flat ( and before ) , they believed all sorts of weird sh**  could cure you of ills.

Actually I know a few people that could do with a bit of trepanning….

Blimey, I’ve now heard 3 farts coming from my side/front.  It sounds a bit unreal, to be honest, as  it’s obviously not coming from the ‘ right’ place.  If someone was standing next to me, then there would be an immediate assumption that it was their arse, rather than my front.

I can already see that it’s going to cause a lot of confusion/ embarrassment/ amusement ( last bit, for me ).

l expected to see the bag blow up and shoot off, whizzing around the room, but disappointingly a fart would seem to be actually a small volume or air ( wind / gaseous turd ) rather than enough to fill a balloon, as I’d always imagined. Given how badly some farts smell, it’s just as bloody well they’re actually so small in volume – otherwise, knowing what I now know, a big, bad one could clear a whole  football stadium.

Early start.

7.30am  operation.

Only an hour from now.

Thinking of you, babe. May the Fourth be with you. Xxxx See you Saturday. Xxx

Enjoy the nice sleep today, but remember to wake up afterwards. I like the world better with you in it. Xxx

Russ. Hope it goes well to day mate. Speak to you after your op. Larry

Good luck for tomorrow mate. Hope all goes as planned.I’ll be thinking of you,not in a gay way.

Russ, I hope all goes well with your op. Another milestone in your rehabilitation and all being well an end to the spasms. Will try and get over to visit early next week.
M

Good luck for tomorrow. Hope it all goes well …freedom !!! ?x

I will try and come to see you if I can but if not (as I fly at 5 Monday morning) can we catch up as soon as I’m back.

Gd luck Thurs Dawks. C&SX

Okay sweetie, let me know when you know when your ops due to finish xx
And here’s to a brighter future coming to you. ??

Cool. Just think of all the extra time you will have ! Keep me posted on op time so i can plan visit

Thought so hope all goes well etc how long you expecting to be in for?

I’m in America at the moment with my mom ? glad to hear you’re having your op on Thursday is that still on? x

Good luck for the op Russ…

I remember you mentioned. I am overseas next week, otherwise would have nicked some of your grapes. See you after the plumbing done.

Will do I have taken the first step by asking you for your help. Take care I will be thinking about you tomorrow x

Oh Darling, when will be a good visit time?

Good luck tomorrow russ a momentous op for you

Good luck for the op tomorrow Handsome x

Ok Russ, hope the surgery goes ok and the procedure turns out to make your life just a bit easier. Will FaceTime you. A x

Best of luck for today. Hope all goes well xxx

I’ve been trying to think of some good ‘arse’ jokes, or Star Wars Day jokes (May the Fourth be with poo?) (Getting a hole new Death Star?)
(Luke, I am your farter?) (Oooh – there’s a question – what will happen to your farts? You won’t have a sphincter to toot through.)
So many intresting questions to ask you on Saturday!

Also , as its Star Wars Day, May the 4th be with you ?

Hi darling! How re u? Big day huh? Just wanted to know if u re at the hospital already? Hope everything goes well. I think about u lots, miss you! Hugs xx

Good luck today russ. Hope I’ve got u before u go in. Toby and cress xx

Thinking of you Russ wishing you a speedy recovery from the op lots of love and see you at the hospital soon ??❤?
P. S I’ll miss wiping that ass ?

Good luck today! Xx

Thinking about you.
Longing to know you’re okay. xxx

Hey Russ all the best for today. ?Hope it all goes well. Love from all the Kirchners x

Think you go in today. Best of luck. Let me know where and I’ll try to drop in over next few days.

Good luck for tomorrow pal. Life will be much easier post the op, I’m sure.

Hi Russ

Hope all has gone, is going, or about to go well.

What freedom …. colostomy AND divorce ?

Good luck with ‘Pimlico plumbers’ today !

Revisiting an 80s hit. Papa’s got a brand new poo bag?

Just read blog
Nice messages Russ
We all love you mate xx

The Enema Strikes Back? All the best, Dom

Been thinking of you today. Hope you wake up tomorrow to less shit in your life – in more ways than one. Keep smiling! Cx

Hey gawjus I miss that face ❤??x

Good luck with the op. I’ll try and get up to see you? Think of the fun you’ll have leaving bags of shit around? Leave then under the wipers of cars parked in disabled bays? Be fun.

My experience with private health care in this particular hospital continue to trouble me… after not eating anything for 36 hours, I was told that I’d done that a day early, and needed to do it again.  Poor communication, I feel…

As post crash, I don’t ever feel hungry ( or not very, anyway ) not eating doesn’t bother me particularly, but that’s not the point.

Today they got me into bed and gave me  2 drinks of crazily strong laxatives. If you’re able bodied, then I think you spend the next few hours running to the bog to pebbledash the porcelain.  If you can’t actually move at all, then it’s a touch more messy than that is…particularly when the nurses have all disappeared, and don’t come when you press the call button .

Never have I been more grateful for the help of one person in all my life. Pia dealt with the absolute carnage no less than NINE times. At one point ( not knowing what is actually going on behind me ) I asked if it was like a mudslide? She said ‘ not quite ‘.  Two cleans later she was saying in a panicked voice ‘ f*** me Russ, it’s like a tsunami! ‘

Later on, during clean up No.6 the staff nurse was  meekly handing Pia tissues, as Pia was avoiding getting covered in it by jumping back regularly.

I don’t think the hospital was at all prepared for what happened, and looking back now it’s quite funny… but without Pia I’d have been seriously in the shit.

Thinking of you, babe. May the Fourth be with you. Xxxx See you Saturday. Xxx

Enjoy the nice sleep today, but remember to wake up afterwards. I like the world better with you in it. Xxx

Russ. Hope it goes well to day mate. Speak to you after your op. L

Good luck for tomorrow mate. Hope all goes as planned.I’ll be thinking of you,not in a gay way.

Russ, I hope all goes well with your op. Another milestone in your rehabilitation and all being well an end to the spasms. Will try and get over to visit early next week.
M

Good luck for tomorrow. Hope it all goes well …freedom !!! ?x

I will try and come to see you if I can but if not (as I fly at 5 Monday morning) can we catch up as soon as I’m back.

Gd luck Thurs Dawks. C&SX

Okay sweetie, let me know when you know when your ops due to finish xx
And here’s to a brighter future coming to you. ??

Cool. Just think of all the extra time you will have ! Keep me posted on op time so i can plan visit

Thought so hope all goes well etc how long you expecting to be in for?

I’m in America at the moment with my mom ? glad to hear you’re having your op on Thursday is that still on? x

Good luck for the op Russ…

I remember you mentioned. I am overseas next week, otherwise would have nicked some of your grapes. See you after the plumbing done.

Will do I have taken the first step by asking you for your help. Take care I will be thinking about you tomorrow x

Oh Darling, when will be a good visit time?

Good luck tomorrow russ a momentous op for you

Good luck for the op tomorrow Handsome x

Ok Russ, hope the surgery goes ok and the procedure turns out to make your life just a bit easier. Will FaceTime you. A x

Best of luck for today. Hope all goes well xxx

I’ve been trying to think of some good ‘arse’ jokes, or Star Wars Day jokes (May the Fourth be with poo?) (Getting a hole new Death Star?)
(Luke, I am your farter?) (Oooh – there’s a question – what will happen to your farts? You won’t have a sphincter to toot through.)
So many intresting questions to ask you on Saturday!

Also , as its Star Wars Day, May the 4th be with you ?

From my Aunty, and Uncle…

 
HI our Russ ,thinking about you,wishing you well, for tomorrow, lifewill be much better regarding your arse end.I, m sure .Only wish I was living nearby so I could pop in and you could do the same.all the best for tomorrow,will be in our thoughts

. Love you Gill and Mike xxxx