( This post was written in anger, on Saturday 22nd of July, and a rail against the injustice of my debilitating injury, and the perceived injustice of things that happen to you, you think ( only )  because of your injury )

I just got this message from another gent that’s paralysed, who obviously reads my diary.

See, it IS a relevant post, as it seems that people think you can’t defend yourself, once paralysed.

‘I have worked this out a long time ago. Brought to fruition the last few weeks with my estranged brother. People think that you are incapable of defending yourself now you’re paralysed. I now look at it that I’m glad I got under their skin so well for them to kick you while your down. Fuck em Russ, rise above it.

It just proves how much they think they have control over you. All the time you have your mind you have control.’

( 25/7/17  The below was written  at about 5pm on Saturday July 22nd. It was written  about 7 hours before I calmly ended my life. It was written  in the mindset of ‘ I want to set the record straight before I go’ )

People have said that I shouldn’t post anything personal in this diary, about my divorce etc etc.

I have observed that rule, pretty much.

I got access to my daughter’s phone today and I saw Danielle’s latest picture message to her. It shows my 2 brothers on holiday together in QDL, which is in Portugal .

Danielle saw this on my brother’s  Facebook page, and sent it to my daughters.

It has the message that you can see in the photo.

NFI is an abbreviation for Not Fucking Invited

Pretty classy for her ( solicitor ) mother send that sort of mocking message to my teenage daughters .

I get bad press from my Ex wife, for sure, to my 2 daughters.

You make your own conclusions as to which one of us is a  ‘ constructive  parent ‘ Post divorce.

I won’t post pictures of all the other messages that I saw about me, from Danielle ( solicitor ) to my daughters .

My Ex portrays herself as linen white, and ‘ grown up/ mature ‘. I didn’t see a lot of evidence of that in her texts about me to my daughters.

It’s bad enough being paralysed, to be fair, without being painted as some kind of evil bas****, which she does, very cleverly.

So, just wanted to put the record straight . I think she might have shot herself in the foot, this time.

🙂

The other day I found out that gonorrhoea, in certain strains, is now incurable.

As you can’t actually die from gonorrhoea, it’s ( literally ) not the end of the world… but it’s  inevitably going to eventually spread like wildfire, there being no treatment for it, and it’s contagious.

If a strain of gonorrhoea is now incurable, how long will it be before something that’s fatal, is?

The Apocalypse is coming then, for sure. All those zombie movies are in fact prophetic.

I’ve not seen a zombie in a wheelchair in any of those movies. If nothing else, that’s discriminatory.

The weirdest thing happened to me tonight. I found myself laughing – as in properly laughing – when I was out at a party.

I hadn’t had anything at all alcoholic to drink, so it wasn’t that.

It wasnt the weather either, as it was pissing down.

It must be the antibiotics then…….

Thanks to Cherie for taking me 🙂

A changé of drug type, and I’m back on track.

It’s like being taken over by an alien, when I get a UTI. A really nasty one, with mind altering powers.

Back to just being paralysed, once more.

My ongoing struggle with my GP, to get the right antibiotics, seems to repeat itself.

This one isn’t the right one, and my symptoms have steadily worsened. I found another in my cupboard, so I’m taking that too. You are allowed to take 2, after all, especially since one of them isn’t actually doing anything for me.

The most dangerous bit is what it does to me mentally – as in I think the bleakest thoughts, and darkness overtakes me.

Atm my abdomen feels the strangest way – I can’t really feel it, but yet I can – its as though there’s an unpleasant electric current running through it, and I have a sort of awareness of my ( lifeless, but spasming ) legs, even though in reality I can’t feel them at all.

All pretty nasty, really.

Non stop Spasms, sédiment in urine and the onset of a very negative mindset can only mean one thing – UTI here we go again.

Ffs.

Thank you so much to Leigh n Bev for their invite on Sunday. Wheelchairs and gravel driveways and slopey garden paths don’t go well, but a push  does the trick. Vicky proved a very capable assistant, again.

Sorry Leigh that I thrashed you at the music quiz, too. My mind is all the sharper for not drinking ( much ) , perhaps.. and it’s definitely possible to enjoy a gig  on only 2 shandies, as I did. Run for Cover, with my mate Robbie on the drums, are a good band ! They even charge for playing…thats how good they are.

Visits to the V&A and an exhibition at Somerset House, with journeys through various Royal parks,  on consecutive days has kept me sane this week, plus seeing my brother Alwyn for an evening. As he insisted on paying for everything, I’m sure that he noticed the reduction in the bill when half of you is drinking water. I’ve even seen both my children ( though one was via a chance encounter, rather than arranged – that is far too much to ask for – but good nonetheless )

Tomorrow will involve gym  ( as always now ), Kew Gardens,  and a play ( damn I’m becoming so cultural – how long can I keep this up ? )

Anca, my current carer, is really good, as was last week’s temp too, Tensin. As neither is averse to moving around at moderate speed, it’s been far better for me.

Oh, and my new found permanent sobriety has also pushed me to buy a (wheelchair) helmet – its innovative as it collapses/concertina’s when it’s not on your head. Whether it does that upon impact is something that as yet I haven’t tested.

Anyway, the picture  is of me ‘ modelling ‘ it, in the shop. It probably makes me more recognisable to the traffic cops than before, so I ought buy another one in a different colour.

Someone that I know died yesterday. He was killed instantly in a collision with a motorcyclist in France.  The motorcyclist died too.

There are obvious parallels with my own accident, but with 2 deaths.

I’ve been thinking about him a lot today. I’d met him a number of times, and he was a lovely guy, but I definitely didn’t know him well, and now of course I never will.

I went to see a band tonight, and I went to a pub before that. I thought about him throughout both, but his death didn’t actually stop me doing anything that I was going to do anyway.

That’s the point…. that the world just carries on. Nothing really changes, people don’t change course very much, and only briefly in most cases when they do. It doesn’t seem right that I went to see a band tonight ( to me ) but I have ‘ the excuse ‘ of not having really known him.

I’ve tried ( and failed so far ) to get the contact details of his family, so that I can write to them. I actually want to do more than just write, but it will depend on the response to my contact.  Again, I have ‘ the excuse ‘ of not actually  being ‘ a friend ‘ of his, so no action is expected of me. I do know ( from my own experience ) that too many of his friends probably won’t do very much at all, going forward, ‘ giving his family space ‘ is the expression used usually.  It doesn’t make people bad people, that inaction, it’s just that people are pretty crap at doing very much over a sustained period, if at all.

For his close family, and for those that he was a central figure in their lives, the clocks will stop altogether for a while, and for a few may never restart properly, ever again.

So for those people, and for those who understand that feeling, I wanted to post this :

For Theo

The lady next to me ( in the wheelchair platform area ) seemed to be more than a big fan of Razorlight…

That was explained by the fact that her son…. was the lead singer of the band.

We had a chat about wheelchair attachments… as you do. She quite fancied one like mine, so I sent her all the details via my phone.

She has progressive MS – as yet as incurable as SCI, despite an awful lot of scientific effort.

These nerve conditions are proving stubbornly impossible to fix, aren’t they.

One day they’ll make the huge breakthrough, it’s inevitable.