A big THANK YOU to Anne and little Carys.

Very yummy indeed. Xx

on my mood changes, probably evident ( to the perceptive or qualified ) by the ‘ tone’ of my blog posts.

If my blog posts are positive, it suggests I’m ‘ happy/ ok ‘.

If my posts are negative, then the thoughts in my head are unhappy/ laced with dread, or even suicidal.

So, note to readers of this diary :- if I’m positive sounding, then please, please if anybody feels the need to send me a message, then please make it positive, to maintain my frame of mind.

If I’m negative sounding, then I am low and the best thing for me is to ‘ sympathise’ with my thoughts.

If I’m negative and I recieved a message that’s very positive, then I don’t believe what you say. You can be as well intentioned as you like, but I’ll react negatively.

Here’s the most important one : if I’m happy sounding, then please, please, please don’t say anything critical to me ( even if I deserve it ) because all I think is ‘ Jesus, give me a bloody break, I’m just trying my best, despite all the crap I go through, to be happy ‘ and then… I get very, very sensitive and take criticism badly. Though also, I still don’t want overly positive stuff either, as I analyse it as misplaced optimism.

I know it’s a little bit complicated, but I, at least, understand my own reactions.

A psychiatrist here explained it all to me today…. And now it sounds painfully obvious.

I’ve repeated what she told me, to anybody that reads this.

At the moment, I’m actually happier than I’ve felt in 3 years and 2 months.
My 10, yes 10, visitors today ( Vee,Chris, Mike,Paul Dom, Rob, Pia, Amber, Lily and Ziggy, her BOYFRIEND ) will all testify, I’m sure, to my upbeat mood. As my visitors ( all the males ) arrived, separately, at more or less exactly the same time, and with a total of 3 bottles of wine, it quickly became a room party… No kidding.
My 2 daughters arrived a good 90 minutes later, within seconds of eachother, yet having no idea that the other was coming, then bickered their way through the next 90 minutes, with me adding in anything that kept myself amused. Lily’s poor friend, Zig, sensibly stayed way out of controversy, but kept laughing.

Anyway, at the risk of having to repeat all of the above, can nobody please message me to upset me in any way at all?

I’m SURE that this analysis applies to each and every, that’s every…one of us.

The old ‘ he obviously got out of the bed the wrong side this morning’ being far truer than it sounds.

Pre injury, I’d say with some conviction, it being applicable to MYSELF, that when you get up you can CHOOSE whether you get up with a smile or a frown, that setting your outward mood ( to others ) for the day.

I now know, that actually ( at least for me ) I cannot choose my mood. It depends whether I wake up having had flashbacks, or covered in my own excrement, for example, or I might ( far more rarely ) just being glad I’m not dead.

For now ie the last 3 years, I’m unable to ‘ just pull myself together’ if I wake up feeling negative. I concentrate on the fact that I’m paralysed and can see nothing else at all.

Living with me throughout this is a guessing game, to put it mildly, and I appreciate very much those that have unwaveringly tolerated me. The more contact you’ve had with me, the more you’ll have witnessed.

Dani’s had the worst of it, having had the most exposure.

Most people that I’ve met who have suffered spinal cord injury, seem to tell me that they lost ( or almost did ) their spouse, along with all, or most of their friends.
And what they don’t understand, and neither did their loved ones, is that post paralysis, these crazy reactions are totally and utterly normal….

Russ.
( typed with a smile on my face )

But tonight, re-posted WITHOUT a smile on my face.

https://www.facebook.com/TheHookOfficial/videos/1555034764561976/

Obviously excuse THEIR bad language.

Not suitable for U-16’s , or is it U-12’s for just swearing?

You know it’s bad, when it’s a Saturday night in London, and you’re lying in a bed, only able to move your arms and your head, and you’ve got neck ache.

Drinking alcohol by yourself, to lift your mood, is not to be recommended as a strategy, and not one that I’m very experienced at.

But the bottle left by a mate is within arm’s reach, and I’ve reluctantly given in.

I’m ‘ complimented’ by people about the ‘ ‘honesty’ of my writing.

What I say on a given post, or day, is a reflection of my mood – as is everybody’s behaviour, at least to a degree?

I used to deny that, but now I have realised that it’s true, and that it doesn’t matter.
As I don’t write the blog for any reason at all, there aren’t any rules about what I write.

It’s not supposed to be inspirational, or make you feel morbidly awful… But it might do both, over 2 days.

I don’t know, as I don’t read it, I just write the bloody thing.

I haven’t left my bed today, but it’s been a ‘ good’ day.

Blimey, Saturday night BBC ain’t what it used to be, that’s for sure!

Though it has been a very long time since I watched it, to be fair.

I’ve never actually watched Casualty before.
It’s been on for ages, right?

About a minute was enough 🙂

And the winner is…
Wait for it…..

MARGARET!
who ‘weighed in’ with a stone – old school for 14 pounds, and equal to 6.36 kilograms.

The actual total answer was 8kg = 17.6 pounds

That’s the same as two very healthy babies, or 3 standard ones, or regulation quadruplets.

The rest of you are just shit guessers…..

£2 Poundland Voucher on its’ way to you Margaret, once you supply your address…

Just after the midday deadline, they found another 2 pounds.
That’s 19 pounds and 7 ounces, in old money..

As I’m very in touch with my emotional side these days, I was both saddened and pleased to read this extract from my mum in law’s ( Jenni ) message to me.
Jenni lives in Northern France.

‘I had to go to Hesdin this morning and passed as always, a memorial stone to a French girl who worked for the underground movement and was caught and executed by the Germans. What is so wonderful is that to this day there are always fresh flowers by the stone. It makes one realise that there are many wonderful people in the world.
Much love to you
Jenni xxx

Sent from my GrannyPad…

( it was me that altered her email sign off, about 3 months ago, to the GrannyPad one…. Obvs being a granny, she’s no idea how to change it, so has ‘ embraced’ it )

I’ve realised that after my psychiatrist’s revelations to me, that no one really knows what to say to me, and messages seem to have almost stopped.

I don’t blame anyone, after all it is a Friday night.

Notwithstanding that, I want to say how incredible it was to see Stuart Metcalfe at 8am, until 10am this morning.
We have a lot to talk about, a lot indeed.

Thanks to Caroline B and Chris B, for coming ( Obv Chris being male, he didn’t tell me he was coming ) and to Sarah F for drinking most of the wine she brought, but not quite all of it.

It’s been yet another ‘productive’ day on the bowel front ( or rear ) but far better out than in.
I just can’t believe what I’ve been wheeling around with me ( or rather people have been pushing around, with me )

More bad news today, yet my newfound / regained spirit has not been severely dented.

Yes, this is a positive post!

I look forward to seeing my buddy, Chris M, who has only known me since he helped to carry my paralysed self from a swimming pool in Portugal, yet has found time to drive the 300 mile round trip to visit me tomorrow.
You just can’t shake some people off.
( that, for the avoidance of all doubt, was a joke … Smiley face emoji )

Thanks for the messages from Lisa J, and also Lisa M, a friend I didn’t even know I had, until yesterday.

I hope that when Chris Leave’s tomorrow, I don’t have to be all by myself again.

In the meantime, I’m watching Saving Private Ryan, which is far, far sadder than my own situation ( though fictitious ) though based on truth – a letter from none other than Abraham Lincoln :

Mansion
Washington, Nov. 21, 1864

To Mrs. Bixby, Boston, Mass.
Dear Madam,

I have been shown in the files of the War Department a statement of the Adjutant General of Massachusetts that you are the mother of five sons who have died gloriously on the field of battle. I feel how weak and fruitless must be any word of mine which should attempt to beguile you from the grief of a loss so overwhelming. But I cannot refrain from tendering you the consolation that may be found in the thanks of the republic they died to save. I pray that our Heavenly Father may assuage the anguish of your bereavement, and leave you only the cherished memory of the loved and lost, and the solemn pride that must be yours to have laid so costly a sacrifice upon the altar of freedom.

Yours very sincerely and respectfully,
A. Lincoln

Tragic, truly tragic.

I’ve further had some analysis on my mood changes, probably evident ( to the perceptive or qualified ) by the ‘ tone’ of my blog posts.

If my blog posts are positive, it suggests I’m ‘ happy/ ok ‘.

If my posts are negative, then the thoughts in my head are unhappy/ laced with dread, or even suicidal.

So, note to readers of this diary :- if I’m positive sounding, then please, please if anybody feels the need to send me a message, then please make it positive, to maintain my frame of mind.

If I’m negative sounding, then I am low and the best thing for me is to ‘ sympathise’ with my thoughts.

If I’m negative and I recieved a message that’s very positive, then I don’t believe what you say. You can be as well intentioned as you like, but I’ll react negatively.

Here’s the most important one : if I’m happy sounding, then please, please, please don’t say anything critical to me ( even if I deserve it ) because all I think is ‘ Jesus, give me a bloody break, I’m just trying my best, despite all the crap I go through, to be happy ‘ and then… I get very, very sensitive and take criticism badly. Though also, I still don’t want overly positive stuff either, as I analyse it as misplaced optimism.

I know it’s a little bit complicated, but I, at least, understand my own reactions.

A psychiatrist here explained it all to me today…. And now it sounds painfully obvious.

I’ve repeated what she told me, to anybody that reads this.

At the moment, I’m actually happier than I’ve felt in 3 years and 2 months.
My 10, yes 10, visitors today ( Vee,Chris, Mike,Paul Dom, Rob, Pia, Amber, Lily and Ziggy, her BOYFRIEND ) will all testify, I’m sure, to my upbeat mood. As my visitors ( all the males ) arrived, separately, at more or less exactly the same time, and with a total of 3 bottles of wine, it quickly became a room party… No kidding.
My 2 daughters arrived a good 90 minutes later, within seconds of eachother, yet having no idea that the other was coming, then bickered their way through the next 90 minutes, with me adding in anything that kept myself amused. Lily’s poor friend, Zig, sensibly stayed way out of controversy, but kept laughing.

Anyway, at the risk of having to repeat all of the above, can nobody please message me to upset me in any way at all?

I’m SURE that this analysis applies to each and every, that’s every…one of us.

The old ‘ he obviously got out of the bed the wrong side this morning’ being far truer than it sounds.

Pre injury, I’d say with some conviction, it being applicable to MYSELF, that when you get up you can CHOOSE whether you get up with a smile or a frown, that setting your outward mood ( to others ) for the day.

I now know, that actually ( at least for me ) I cannot choose my mood. It depends whether I wake up having had flashbacks, or covered in my own excrement, for example, or I might ( far more rarely ) just being glad I’m not dead.

For now ie the last 3 years, I’m unable to ‘ just pull myself together’ if I wake up feeling negative. I concentrate on the fact that I’m paralysed and can see nothing else at all.

Living with me throughout this is a guessing game, to put it mildly, and I appreciate very much those that have unwaveringly tolerated me. The more contact you’ve had with me, the more you’ll have witnessed.

Dani’s had the worst of it, having had the most exposure.

Most people that I’ve met who have suffered spinal cord injury, seem to tell me that they lost ( or almost did ) their spouse, along with all, or most of their friends.
And what they don’t understand, and neither did their loved ones, is that post paralysis, these crazy reactions are totally and utterly normal….

Russ.
( typed with a smile on my face )