1 year

For Wendy and I it’s a year today since we first met. I did know she was a person of compassion, amongst many other qualities, when I first met her, and even in the texts and phone calls. That’s not to say that everyone who’s disabled has to have a compassionate partner, but it certainly helps. Empathy and understanding ( as best you can at least ) goes a long way.

The trouble with being disabled and being the ( willing, by choice) partner of a disabled person is that it’s not ‘ merely ‘ a state of mind, it’s a state of reality – that disabled person needs help to even exist. It’s not just a case of hanging out or doing stuff with them in public, it’s all the behind the scenes stuff that is obligatory too. I have no choice but to need help – it’s not optional to give me help, it’s actually totally necessary- unless I opt ( or it’s dictated to me ) that I just stay indoors/ in bed. Many in my situation just accept the imposition of restricted life. What I do is to rebel against that. I’ve never liked being dictated to or told what to do, and I am still the same. By the same token I don’t dictate to anyone else. Wendy has zero ‘ pressure ‘ from me to do anything at all. All that she does is freely given. That she opts to do so much is what makes her truly special.

I’ve seen so many people that seem almost devoid of the C word altogether, not noticing pre injury but now seeing clearly. Some of those very close to me previously, have little, and are just memories. It does take the shine off an experience which seemed good at the time, but in retrospect was ‘ enjoyed ‘ with someone that proved themselves only a fair weather friend. And lots of those about for sure. You don’t find out til the crap crashes into the fan. Does it make you regret having spent time with them at all? No, not really, not completely, but it’s all tainted quite markedly. The closer was the relationship, the more tarnished is the memory.

A lot of people think that you shouldn’t feel sorry for someone that has a disabling condition. That’s odd to me. I’d have certainly felt sorry for anyone that lost a leg ( as a childhood friend did ), had a brain injury ( yes, know a couple ) or had cancer ( yes, know lots and lots ). Of course you feel sorry for them. If you don’t, then what do you feel? I mean, what’s left? Indifference? Pleasure? My mind boggles to be honest.

It’s hard though to just be so iron willed that you can just forget people, but I imagine that’s because I am one who has compassion. If I didn’t, then probably I could? I’m being told repeatedly by the kindest people I know that actually the best thing to do is to cut ties, for my own sake, so that’s the plan.

Happy anniversary Wendy. You are indeed one of the best people, for sure. Wendy definitely loves me more than anybody ever has ( and I actually mean anybody at all, ever, including everyone I know for whatever reason) , and that isn’t in doubt. I ought take solace in that? If someone so ‘ good’ can feel that way about me, then I must be alright, right?

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