A lad of 23 posted on the Spinal Cord Injury group  that I belong to. He said that he’d been feeling suicidal for a while, and couldn’t get past it. He’s been paralysed since 17 years old. His profile pictures are all of him walking about and fooling around. There aren’t any of him post injury.

About a hundred people replied, all spinal cord injured ( you have to be to be in the group ). It is obvious that nearly everyone that has my injury gets these thoughts, regardless of severity of paralysis. Depression is an inevitable consequence of SCI. So many people have tried to kill themselves, or been on the verge of repeatedly. The ‘ survivors ‘ all broadly say the same things, that despair and loneliness exists even in a crowded room, and that nothing makes up for the loss that paralysis gives you.  There isn’t any compensation for the things that you are unable to do, but you do have to other things to fill the gaps, and do those things as much as you can, to distract yourself as much as you can.

So many are hanging on by their fingertips, and have been for years. There isn’t a bright light at the end of the tunnel, as there isn’t a cure for paralysis, so it’s a tricky place to inhabit, the world of SCI. Antidepressants are the norm.

Knowing that my own thoughts are ‘ normal ‘ for my circumstances helps a bit. One man employed his best friend as his carer, and said that was the best thing he ever did – I like that idea!

Today I have a lot of things that I’ll do – all good things ( all gap fillers )

My current carer hasn’t worked out – language barrier etc etc etc  – i end up ‘ looking after ‘ her ….another problem is that we can’t fit into a lift together. African ladies can have quite ample bottoms and corresponding stomachs to counterbalance,which makes them quite lengthy from back to front –  lifts are not an ideal place for me to be alone in, as getting out can be tricky –  so tomorrow I have a different one starting – let’s see how that goes.