This morning at about 8 am, while Dani was asleep beside me, I realised that I’d crapped myself / shit myself/ had an accident.

I get no pleasure writing about this. How could I possibly? Dani was asleep and I was lying in my own shit/ excrement/ crap/ whatever you prefer to call it.

I can’t feel anything ( other than shame/ helplessness/ humiliation/ horror/embarrassment )

I had a choice – to lie there / to wake Dani and give her the good news. To wake to that task, that task being to clean up  an adult man who has done what in ‘normal circumstances ‘ what a helpless baby would do , is not exactly a good start to the weekend ..

After half an hour or so I thought it was reasonable ( ish ) to wake her and ask for some assistance.

There followed what every mum would be familiar with, but with a very, very large baby.

Dani expressed far less horror than that which I felt inside

I can’t say that there are any upsides to this presently incurable injury. I have gone through the day feeling humiliated/ irrelevant/ impotent/ suicidal .

Later on I helped a colleague by ‘ mystery shopping ‘ his business, posing as a customer,and detailing my ‘ customer journey’

This is the reality of my world.  I wonder, pre injury, whether I ( or you reading this ) would have been able to ‘ pick myself up and carry on with my day’, after that ‘shitty’ start?

As usual in these ‘uncomfortable ‘ posts, I expect no one to leave a comment, it being a lot easier  not to.

When my partner died yesterday, I wrote ( emailed / texted ) to all of my staff and a lot of ‘colleagues ‘ about Selcuk. I got barely a response of any kind, it being ‘easier’ not to.

Is that normal or cowardly, I really don’t know any more …  To me, addressing pain is now normal and I’m guilty of applying my own new personal rules to others ( which I am told that I cannot )

I still do though, but I  expect no one to  ‘stand up and say something’ on this site.

Why would they? I have no idea who reads this stuff that I post, so there’s no pressure on anyone to…




12 thoughts on “

  1. Hi Russ !
    I do not ever do face book or blog or Twitter etc but u insisted I read it !
    God is always there for your every need !
    He takes away our pain and burdens !
    U are never alone !
    U have been through a storm but u have life and make the most of it .. U are intelligent witty and certainly do not need others to remind u of what u still have so u must stop reminding yourself of what u don’t have !!!
    Do something amazing and bless others with your gifts !!
    God will give u peace and your soul searching of your purpose in life will be revealed !
    God Bless!
    Shakila Parham

  2. Hi Russ, just discovered this comment thingy as your email’s out of action ( not very high tech me!). I guess people often don’t comment/reply because they/we are at a loss what to say that can make things better and worry they/we might say something that makes it worse. Do we respond to your specific issue ( not medically qualified to do so) or just re-affirm what an amazing person we all think you are? On a bad day that might not help much either. But it’s all I can do, so be assured I read your blog every day (and panic when you haven’t updated it), can still sometimes see the daft, practical joking Russ in there and we’re rooting for you here in Leighton Buzzard. Lots of love Mary (and Mark and Mike)

  3. Hi Russ,

    You have no idea who I am, but I have been reading your blog since your terrible accident. I taught Wendy, Pilates which is how I found out about your accident and blog. I can honestly say I find your posts interesting, funny , heart wrenching and above all totally inspiring! Please know that although I have never commented you have my full adoration… Gaby

  4. Oh love, that just summed up your recent life: Craptastic, as my darling child says.
    I’ve been snowed under with work and haven’t had chance to check your blog, otherwise you know I’d have sent you an email for each of these horrible, frightening and dispiriting events.
    So out here in public I’ll remind you that I think of you every single day and send you positive thoughts (religious people call it prayer, hippies like me call it vibes).
    Fight that black dog, mate. x

  5. Hi Russ, you posted a picture on Facebook of you with your new silly mug, looking pretty good from what I could see. I thought I would have a look at your blog and see what you were up to and was shocked to see what a tough time you have been having with health problems and sad events in your life. The combination of the two seem to have taken you worryingly low mentally. I think you saw a psychiatrist, did you explain, did he realise , how bad you are feeling? I do hope you are on some form of anti depressant. If not you really need to be and if you are I suggest you need to have another consultation and review the dosage. Iadmire you enormously for being so damn honest about the hardships of living with a disability and Chris and I send you our warmest good wishes and hope you feel much better about your life very soon. We are in Lakeside at present, weather mixed and I have just stoked up the log fire! We look forward to seeing you and your family out here in the summer sunshine! Love Judy

  6. Hey Russ, Happy New Year to you. Sorry for not being in touch sooner.
    You are very much in my thoughts! I was so inspired by you when we met for the first time last year, and I still am.
    Keep the faith – you have an amazing family and they are all there for you, whatever the situation.


  7. It was a terrible start to your day, thankfully, your lovely wife was there to help you. & as you see, lots of who see you often, still read it. Yeah, sometimes it’s hard to read, but not as hard as to live it. The thing is, Pi is right, nearly anyone would would do whatever we could to change it/ make it better. Lots of love

  8. Russ. Reading lots about you in the blog often. Don’t comment enough – my bad. Understand the humiliation, but don’t forget that all-important part of the post – Dani IS there next to you. Lots of love your way… Robbie

  9. Hi Russ, we’re still with you. Reading with admiration or dread, depending on the content. Personally I’ve found it technically difficult to comment but today it worked.
    I’m sending you encouragement and love and sympathy vibes via wifi.

  10. We all read it Russ, but I’m sure most of us reply by texting or emailing you.
    Rest assured we feel your pain and if we had the chance, would change things for you, and sel, in an instant.
    Love you loads r-b.

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