It’s 2 years today.., I woke up and walked to get my bike.
I wonder if I’d been told if I wasn’t careful, I’d have an accident, whether I’d still have gotten on it?
I probably would have.

I mean, you spend your whole childhood ignoring your mum’s pleas to be careful, then your adult life ignoring your wife’s advice too.
My bad decision was knowing that I had an injured left hand that would affect my ability to brake, in a dangerous situation, I still chose to ride my bike at speed down steep alpine mountain roads.

Lesson learnt, good and proper?
You’d think so.

Since that day I’ve crashed at speed on a sitski over a cliff, rolled my arm bike, and almost drowned capsizing an uncapsizable rowing boat.

And relatively speaking, I’m barely out of my hospital bed.

Other than being delayed, I had a journey without mishap.

I was met in Heathrow, by Dani and Kev – 1 medium sized car not being enough for all my stuff.

Seeing my girls, in our flat, was just lovely.
They soon all went out, leaving me to sleep for about an hour, before Debs came to keep an eye on me, and take me out to my own arranged ‘party’. …

Thank you to the lovely crowd that had taken pity on me at short notice, and showed up.
There was a lot of wine put away, and it turned into a late one, Dani getting back too, for the last 3 hours.

I slept for a full 12 hours after that, and seem to have slept well ever since , better than when I was away – maybe that’s a security thing?

I’ve loved seeing all the people I’ve seen since my return, so many smiling faces, including Niki, Dan, Sas, Alan, Wendy, Olly,Cherie, Terry, Jeremy, Neal, Neil, Sonia, Anita, Toby, Cress, Larry, Sarah, Jamie, Dickon, Tanya, Eesha, Nital, Ren, Nathan and Sonia, and Alison.

I’ve been to work ( only as a ‘social’ ) but it was great to catch up with some of my team there.

I’ve noticed that being home seems better than it was when I was last here.

I used to spend a lot of time thinking about the past, and looking at people walking, running, riding bikes and wishing I could too.
I don’t seem to have the same frequency of looking back now, which makes my mind a lot more able to relax. In fact, thinking about it, I never used to feel relaxed, just anxious, all of the time.

I don’t know whether this period of relative calm will continue or not. I hope it does.
It’ll be 2 years since my accident, this Sunday.
How are you supposed to mark that date ? It’s going to come around every year, til I die.

It’s the date I think of more than any other, despite me not remembering the events of that day, except for in snatches.

I won’t celebrate it, but I will try to enjoy the day, to make up for all the pain caused 2 years ago, maybe.

Officer Payne knocked on my hotel door about 2 weeks ago, all 6 foot 4 of him.
An ‘off duty ‘ visit , he said he’d tried to see me 5 times before, but I’d not been in.

We’d met when he answered the ‘suicide alert’ back on Easter Sunday, where he’d spent an hour with me, talking and trying his best not to have to arrest me ( for my own sake ).

That day I was ‘in pieces’ , close to tears all of the time. He asked me so many questions – what had happened to me, about my life before, about my children, about why I was in Kentucky, and about why I thought that day should be my last.

I hadn’t realised how much he’d been affected by our meeting, and how often he’d thought of me, until he came to visit.

He very convincingly, yet caringly, explained that he’d always look out for me, would be instantly available to me, and how if I was ever bothered by anyone at all, he’d come round ‘to crush them’.
I was left in no doubt as to his absolute sincerity.

I don’t really think about the effect my accident ( and its effects on me ) has on other people, unless they tell me.
But listening to Officer Payne’s words, delivered in his own style, made my eyes fill up.

This is a photo, on my last day here of me and my 2 Kentucky Homies… Mitch on the left, and Jamie on the right.

These 2 have been the main perpetrators of pressing the Start button of my daily electrocution ‘therapy’.
They are 2 of the nicest guys I’ve ever met, and this is a thank you, for making my time in America far more tolerable than it ever might have been, by virtue of their forever positive dispositions and infectious good natures.
They put up with me, and my unceasing efforts to persuade them to pronounce words ‘properly’, as per the Queen’s English, for 5 long months, and at the end still didn’t seem to have had enough.

Full marks for tolerance, to you two lads.

I do hope to renew our acquaintance again in Kentucky, and if that never comes to pass then perhaps in London, where you’re always welcome.

The other thing about the picture that strikes me, is the size of my bloody arm!
As I’ve not made any concerted effort to ‘grow’ my arms, it seems to have happened anyway, as a by-product of the arm crank, hardly eating anything, and drinking wine.
Not sure if that’s one for ‘the manual’, but it’s happened anyway?

My best of luck too, to Cole ( 22 ) who, after a car crash at the age of 19, went from athlete to paraplegic in an instant, but who gets an epidural implant very soon. Like me, he demonstrates an intolerance for his enforced wheelchair existence, and wants to get out of the accursed thing as soon as he can, for as long as he can, and as much as he can.
What a great guy Cole is, as in fact are so many that suffer this type of injury, displaying a courage and character that you just don’t come across in the ‘normal’ world.

Thanks in advance to Denise, for my lift to the airport tomorrow, and also to Jamie, Brian and Cindy, for offering lifts.

They call a lift a ride here.
A lift is an elevator.. all very confusing for them… talking to me.

A few people have said they’ll miss me.
What’s that all about?
But nice to hear, anyway.

I will miss the people that I’ve met here, and that I can genuinely call my friends.
I definitely like Americans, at least the ones here!

I’ve managed NOT, in 5 months to:

Go to Church
Go to the Strip Club next door
Go the mostly gay bar down the road, with regular Drag Nights.
Go to MacDonalds at all
Go to KFC
Go mad.

All in all its been a small step for Mankind, but a … You know the rest.

One last go on the Arm Crank and I beat my own record.

13.80 miles in an hour.

I had to peel my left fingers off the ‘pedal’ at the end. As  I think I’m the only person that uses it… No one’s gonna even try to beat it, so it’s only for myself.

They weighed me today and to my surprise, I’m exactly the same weight as I was when I got here 175lbs. That’s 21 pounds lighter than the day I crashed, but 24 lbs heavier than I wasted to, 21 months ago.

Tomorrow I go home… A happy day.

Im nervous about it, perhaps surprisingly, having carved out a little niche here.

But im sure I’ll adjust. 🙂

Russ suggested that I write a few words for the blog , a mother’s perspective if you like so here are my thoughts on my time with you in Louisville Russ.

I did not know what to expect . You had been in the depths of despair and somehow, thanks to Dr Steve , you had managed to pull yourself out of that bottomless pit . We read your blog at home in tears . We were so far away from you , we could do nothing to help you. Somehow , I cannot imagine how, you inched your way forwards into a more positive place. When we read your email which simply said ” I’m ok ” we cried with relief.

I could not wait to fly over to Louisville and finally I had arrived and there you were ,looking so good.
The entire time with you, you went from strength to strength.

I was pretty anxious about giving you a push in your wheelchair to and from the Frazier Rehabilitation Institute . For those who have never pushed a wheelchair , it’s not easy. I am short and I found difficulty looking over the top of you to the ground beyond, and then there were all those holes and lumps on the pavement to negotiate !! I did improve and felt pretty confident by the time I had to fly home.

Watching you for the first time in the hoist receiving the electric shocks to your leg muscles was so moving. You smiled, laughed, joked with the trainers as though the procedure was absolutely normal and I guess it was for you as you were almost five months into the programme . They were so caring and you were quite amazing. Everyday you spent an additional hour in the gym . Where did you find the energy from?

Eating lunch, sitting outside the Subway in the sunshine was fun . Coffee in a pavement cafe on the way back to the hotel was fun too. Playing Bananagrams in the hotel lounge with a bottle of wine was best of all. I’ll say nothing about your ‘honesty’ when playing . How else could you win every time ?

Meeting your new American friends was really lovely. What a great crowd.

My time with you was such a bittersweet time for me. Your bravery and total commitment to excellence made me feel very proud. The fact that you were there at all was heart rending . There is so much at stake . All we can do now is wait. If sheer effort counts for anything you are in with more than a sporting chance.

If only I could wave a magic wand .

Mum