It’s midnight and I’m alone on a tube train heading west.
I got to Brixton, and I got to the gig. It was packed with really really pissed people. The access platform wasn’t policed and it was overrun by the crowd. Pissed blokes were hanging off it all over the place. I felt completely endangered throughout. It hadn’t occurred to me to have a drink before I went in, or take some with me, as tonight I had to manage by myself, and have yet to get back and get myself into bed, with all that entails.
What I realised tho is that without a drink to take the edge off my senses, it’s just all too much for me. I felt very afraid, and very alone.
God it has never occurred to me that I’d be dependent on alcohol, not in an alcoholic way, but as a sedative to take the fear away. Let’s face it the stuff can take you from normal to happy, but also from terrified to ok, I now realise.
It’s an uncomfortable realisation for me. I feel no ‘ urge to drink’ but can see the sense in doing it, having just had the night I had. So yes, I can just not go to things, but then I’d feel I’ve failed too. I seem to be in a no win situation.
It’s pouring with rain and I’ve got to go 2 miles by road. I’ll be soaked and I can’t dry myself at all easily.
More reason to just give up.