Having a torrid time of it at the moment, so I have to make myself laugh to get through. I thought I’d write about my last lodger experience.
I had a great lodger for a while.. and when she left to share a flat with a friend, I advertised for another one online.
⁃ As the room is lovely and tbh so
the apartment, it didn’t take long to find another one. An Israeli lady arrived after just a few days, telling me she’d been living in hotels, but had moved over a hundred times in 18 months.
I probably should have read the room and found a different lodger, but she seemed pleasant enough, although so softly spoken that I couldn’t hear her without asking her to speak up.
She arrived dressed in jet / matt black 🍷( obviously dyed ) hair and dresses In multiple layers of long skirts and tops. She whitened her complexion with nigh on white face makeup. She was 52, she said, though I think it’s possible she’d been around five times that long, back to age of villagers with pitchforks and flaming torches.
She moved in ( with 3 enormous suitcases ) and I asked her for the rent and room deposit. She gave me a bundle of cash.
Unusual I thought, but ok. I said I’d count it in front of her and give her a receipt, and she said of course..
I did count it and was surprised to find it was only around 25% of the money that was due.
Obviously I said, it’s a fair bit short and verified that she had actually understood the rent amount.
Completely unabashed, she just said ‘ oh yes I’ve had a problem with my bank ‘ …. but didn’t say anything else, seemingly oblivious to the fact that this might be an issue. Certainly she didn’t appear to be apologetic.
A bit surprised, I said that if she couldn’t pay the rent, she obviously wouldn’t be able to stay.
Don’t worry, she said, I’ll go to the bank and get the rest of the money … and I said that would be ok but it would need to be very soon.
She did indeed then pay the outstanding rent and month’s deposit the next day.
Her first day there we did chat a bit, and I asked her what she did for work.
She was very vague about any employment, but did go and get her Apple Mac and show me some graphics/ pictures.
The first one was a red stiletto shoe with a pink and fleshy ‘ foot ‘ inside it.
Having been around the block a bit, I recognised the fleshy organ inside the shoe straight away.
‘ Do you know what that is?’ she said.
Yes I answered, it’s a clitoral organ, the whole thing rather than the little button that is visible.
Yes, she said, and then showed me more clitorises, arranged within various flowers.
That’s ok I thought, you’re obviously no shrinking violet. I asked if she was an artist and she was vague, but asked that I keep her images quiet as she was very wary her ideas may get stolen.
I thought there might be thousands of people out there who would want an outsized clitoris in a stiletto as a concept…. and I said of course.
Doh! I’ve just spilt the bean.
(There’s a joke in there somewhere)
She was around for a couple of days, though sort of floated in and around my place – that’s fine – to a degree the less I see my lodger the better ( I don’t want a flatmate )
When I say floated… I’m not sure her feet touched the floor.
She took the time to tell me that she could give me lots of advice on staying younger looking. I don’t think she mentioned possibly living forever…
On the second afternoon she said she’d be going out as she had a date.
Cool, I thought, and wished her a good time.
After a bit she reappeared ( suddenly ) as if she’d just materialised next to me.
She didn’t know how to get to her destination. I said to look on Maps…. I mean nearly everyone born in the last 2 centuries would know that.
Maybe I missed another red flag there?
I did notice she didn’t show her teeth when she smiled.
I gave her the directions.. she thanked me and then called an Uber 🙄
Then I didn’t see her for 3 days and 2 nights. I did ask it she’d had a good time/ was it her first date with this guy.. and she was vague, saying it was her first date and that she hadn’t actually spent much time with him, and she hadn’t been on a date for years.
I asked how come and she said she didn’t really like people.
Right, ok then. .. that’s an ideal quality when you meet up with someone..
I didn’t see much of her after that.
On ( her ) sixth day I was out on a sort of date myself. Fun girl but definitely not for me…. and after a bottle of wine out ( ok and a second ) I tried to get Suzy an Uber at the venue.
No wifi! It was a bit cold and I said to call one from my place.
Suzy came back and then she got a bit frisky… and another bottle of wine went down. Blimey. She was doing her best to clamber all over me in my wheelchair…. and there was a bit of contact, but minimal.
Suzy for some reason got fairly ( vocally ) excited. Go me, I guess, but nothing really happened.
Eventually at 5am Suzy finally left….and I could go to bed.
The next day was Sunday, and I felt tired and rough.
I didn’t see Sivan the lodger at all on the Sunday.
A day or two before that day I’d asked GG to go into her room to check everything was ok.
When it’s a lodger you are allowed to look… but I wasn’t me, it was GG, another female. Gina was a bit shocked, as Sivan had a massive suitcase on her bed, the wheels of which she’d wrapped in selophane. GG said it was clear she was sleeping in the bed, but effectively sharing it with a massive suitcase that took up 70 percent of the width of the bed.
Lots of clothes were strewn all over the room, and all the cupboard and wardrobe doors were open. All that she had put in the available storage space were lots of bottles of supplements and pills. In her bathroom, everything of hers was laid on tissue paper.
On the morning of her 7th day GG said she’d seen Sivan and that she said she had to talk to me. GG then got me up and I was connected to this machine in the kitchen which makes my legs move in a pedalling motion. I’d been on it for maybe 10 minutes.
Sivan came into the room and I said Hi and smiled and asked her what it was she wanted to talk to me about.
Sivan had a stony face ( like alabaster ) and for the first time spoke in a loud voice.
‘ DID YOU HAVE DINNER ON SATURDAY NIGHT?’ she said.
I said that I wasn’t sure.
She said ‘ WELL YOU MUST BE SURE, IT WAS ONLY 2 DAYS AGO!! ‘
I said that I only eat once a day and that on Saturday, wasn’t quite sure what time it was, it could have been afternoon or evening.
She glared at me.
I said ‘ Anyway what does it matter if I did or I didn’t?’ .. and then said ‘ did you have dinner on Saturday night?’
She fixed me in her stare and said ‘ NO, I DID NOT HAVE DINNER ON SATURDAY NIGHT!’
I said ‘ OK, why not?’
Sivan shouted ‘ BECAUSE YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE COMMUNAL AREA!! ‘
I said ‘ Sivan, I wasn’t. I’m paralysed and can’t just jump out my chair and have sex on the sofa… what you are saying is impossible for one, and untrue for another. ‘
She glared more ‘ WELL YOU WERE DOING SOMETHING BECAUSE I HEARD MOANING FOR AGES.
IT STOPPED AND THEN AFTER A WHILE YOU HAD SEX AGAIN BECAUSE THERE WAS MORE LOUD MOANING !’
I said ‘ well clearly I’m a good kisser … for a lady to be that happy. Be glad for her?’
‘BUT IT WAS IN THE COMMUNAL AREA !’
Given I hadn’t ever seen Sivan use the communal area ( lounge/ kitchen ) I was a little bemused.
I said ‘ Sivan calm down. You clearly aren’t an innocent lady because you have just been out on a 3 day date and you felt comfortable enough to show me lots of clitoris art, so why are you being like this?
Then
‘Why did you want to have your dinner after midnight anyway ? ( thinking didn’t she have any packets of blood to warm up in the microwave in her room?) Most people have dinner in the evening ‘
I CAN HAVE MY DINNER WHENEVER I LIKE, BUT NOT WHILE YOU ARE HAVING SEX!
Then I COULDNT LEAVE MY ROOM FOR THE WHOLE OF SUNDAY BECAUSE I WAS TOO AFRAID TO COME OUT!
I said Sivan, you’re a grown woman.
What on earth are you afraid of exactly?
Sivan… it’s my apartment. I can do anything I want in my own apartment. There are far more rules about what you can do, as my lodger, as per the contract ( proper legal one )
You can’t tell me what to do, and I’d definitely never do anything risque whilst you were here.
But if you think it’s so bad living here…. you can give notice to leave.
I’M LEAVING STRAIGHT AWAY! she said ….
And indeed she’d already packed her suitcases, which had gone from 3 to 6 in less than a week.
How come you have so much more stuff than when you arrived, I said.
‘ I thought it was SAFE here, she said, but you’ve let me down !’
Then she said ‘
GIVE ME ALL MY MONEY BACK !’
I replied that it didn’t work like that and she had to pay for the week’s rent and then for another month’s notice, starting today.
GIVE IT BACK TO ME!
‘No, Sivan, read your contract.
I’ll work out how much I need to give back to you. And you’ll have to pay for a bedroom and bathroom clean too. ‘
She floated off , silently, with a stormy, extra white face.
GG of course was eavesdropping all this stuff, and came in smirking like anything.
‘Can you help her get her cases out into the corridor, but only as far as that please?’
I wheeled to the door ( through the communal hallway – also not a sex location for me and made sure she gave me the keys.
She just GLARED at me.
I said ‘
Bye Bye Sivan , good luck finding somewhere that makes you happy’
Then , as is my frontal lobe injury way … I said
‘ By the way, I’ll also charge you for the exorcism of your room that I have done by the priest’
I wonder if she’s gone back to the castle in Transylvania?
