My consultant comes in looking very grave.

He’s sat down, which is a first.

There’s a half bottle of wine on the window sill, and there are 2 glasses on the small trolley thing.

I’ve said ‘ do you want a glass?’ and he’s said no. I ask if I should have a glass, and he’s said ‘ probably’.

I pour one, and with a smile ask him just how bad it is.

I tell him that just like my car, with its dent, which is fixable, then so is my skeleton if it falls apart. I feel a ‘detachment ‘from my body, as I do a car, as though it’s not really a part of me.

He then says that actually it’s far more complicated than a car door, due to the higher risks of infection when they go in a fourth time.
My ‘ cage ‘ has moved some more. If they leave it, then there’ll be a point where it ‘ springs off’ – his expression, not mine.

He’s got to operate again, to undo it and rebuild it, with bigger screws and another plate. He’s asked me not to move at all for the next 50 hours til the op
In case the whole cage just breaks off
The infection risk is far greater, and they’ll ‘ soak it all ‘ in antibiotics, and then close me up, and be extremely careful for a fair time after, not to move or twist me.

I genuinely think he was really perplexed by my smile and complete acceptance of the situation. He kept apologising.
It was obviously the last thing that he’d expected. He said they’d lifted my whole midriff up, holding onto the metal work, and it had held.

I knew that it’d shifted again, as I’m aware that my trunk is slightly more to the right than it was – a few mm only. I guess I’ve got a good eye for detail?
I’ve always been good at straightening paintings on walls, in the same way…

So, it’s back in theatre on Thursday pm, and then back to the same cycle of drug induced euphoria followed by a ‘downer’, as last time.

I remain completely positive, as in 100%.

What else can I do?

If it all gets infected, then I think I’m in SERIOUS trouble.
This next time, I might wake up dead, as they say in Wales… along with lots of other expressions that make no sense at all ( but are funny – like ‘ I’ll be there now, in a minute ‘ )

But no point moaning about it, right?

I think though that I’ve used up all my luck.

( smiley face emoji )
?

Last night I felt very tired by 11.45.

I’ve taken ( or been given ) a sleeping tablet every night for 5 weeks, or I won’t sleep.

Last night, I just turned out the light and I don’t recall anything after that until 6.45 am.

Sleep, and without a Zoplidem – that’s progress.

Mind you, I do use my arm exerciser a hell of a lot, which does fatigue me.
It’s how my body seemed to be conditioned, pre injury. If I found myself awake at night ( which was rarely ) I’d try to go back to sleep, but never seemed able to. I’d then ask myself why, and every time my insomnia happened to coincide with a day that I’d not exercised hard. I’d shut my eyes, clear my mind of all thoughts, and try to relax into a trance like state. But it never worked…

After several episodes of this, over the years, I thought I’d try a different tactic. I got up, went outside, got on my kayak machine in the garden, trained really hard for 20 mins, went back to bed.. and would fall asleep instantly.

So the exercise induced adrenaline didn’t further wake me up, rather the mental/ physical achievement of doing some hard exercise made me go to sleep straight away.

I know it sounds a bit contrary, but why don’t you try 3 am exercise as a cure for insomnia …

This is bloody marvellous news. How exciting & surprising & motivating for you. And how clever of him to come to see you unburdened of other’s opinions, free to simply meet you & assess you in real time.
I’m so pleased to hear you’ll have a truly managed rehab, rather than being sent home if you can just about manage on your own. This may be one of the luckiest meetings of your life, & I’m so happy for you (& your family).
See you soon, can’t wait to hear the details ? ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

And,

Great to see you today buddy. Glad to see you in the best form I can recall over 3+ years. Amazing what you have come through since we used to visit in London Bridge Hospital in August 2013. I know staying positive isn’t guaranteed, but give it your best shot as it suits you much better! You are an inspiration to many. Jx



Me playing top league ( known then as ‘ first class ‘ ) rugby.
That’s me with the ball.
20 yrs old – back in 1987.
15,000 spectators.
That’s nearly all the people in Pontypool !

It was on the telly.
Looking at the program, there were 15/16 of the players on the field who had played, or were still playing for Wales, and four of them were British Lions – Graham Price and Staff Jones on my side, and Rees and Jonathan Davies on the Neath side.

I was Outside centre. My centre partner was Roger Bidgood, who played for Wales too.

It was Vs Neath, at the time the most victorious team in Britain. Their coach, Ron Waldron, was elected as Welsh coach, and selected half the Neath team for Wales. It didn’t translate to the international scene, and Wales got stuffed a few times.
Waldron was sacked, by Wales.

The picture was the in the Pontypool Neath tie, in the last 8 of Schweppes Welsh Cup.

I was 14 stone 10pounds.
All muscle and aggression.

That little b****** , Jonathan Davies was at full back for Neath.
It was 9-9 with 2 mins to go, Pontypool threatening a massive upset.
Pugh, their flanker ( Wales international, as were most of their team ) scored a try.
15-9 in the end.

We’d kicked ahead and it bounced in front of Davies ( Wales no 10 and British Lion, later Wigan and Great Britain rugby league )
I was going at full speed.
As I dived thru the air straight at him ( more at him than at the ball ) the clever little monkey caught the ball and dodged me.
All I got was grass and mud in my face, an experience that I’ve remembered with perverted pleasure ever since.

I got injured that season ( hamstring ) and due to chronic and soul destroying recurrence never played anywhere near my potential again. I walked with a limp for about 7 years.
Now of course that injury seems very minor, and unimportant.

See my mullet?

Looked good with my jeans and denim jacket, with collar turned up.
Plus white string vest.
Don’t have any pics!
Think of a muscle’y Shaking Stevens

365 days/ year.

( not joking )

#welshtwat

We had a co-op and a grocers.
No clothes shops.

But a TopMan shop in Cwmbran,
4 miles away.

I know that there is a fair bit of uncertainty about my new found positivity.

It’s very understandable, given my obvious depression, particularly over the last 9 months, to be guarded about my optimism.
Quite a few of my mates that have visited, have looked very concerned as they’ve come into my room, here in hospital. The irony of me having to cheer them up rather than the other way around, has been a fair bit of fun.

So yes, it’s actually true that I’m cheerful and very, very optimistic – and yes, even about having a colostomy bag.

Right, so now for the latest complication/ solution.

I had a visit from the Consultant Rehabilitation doctor from another spinal unit.
He was very concerned about me, physically, after hearing about my 3 year history.
He’d come without having seen any of my medical history at all, which at first I judged to be on the side of unprofessional…
As he asked me detailed questions, about EVERYTHING, including lots of things that, despite my medical background, I thought irrelevant, I realised that this guy knew far, far more than anyone else I’d met, about spinal cord injury, its effects, its far reaching consequences, but more significantly the massive strides in available therapies that are there.
He gave me a thorough examination, explained all kinds of things that I’d been confused about, including what classification of paralysis I am ( break – wise T10, but function-wise T6/7 ) and the reason for the difference ( that you can snap at a certain place in your spine, but the wire ( the spinal cord ) can be stretched/ damaged maybe 8 cm above the break in the bones, making you paralysed above how it would appear from your X-rays.

He said that the tone and muscle tension ( the spasms in my legs ) were almost at a pathological level, whereby my legs were almost at the point of becoming permanently completely stiff, like wood

He recommended that I go on the maximum dose of a new and different drug, to immediately start the relaxation process of the muscles, making my life immediately easier.
He said that it would take up to 3 months of daily physical rehab to get my to a place acceptable to him, requiring admission to another specialist centre.
He talked about cheap and effective things that I can do to reduce my spasms – seriously, stuff that you really wouldn’t have thought of!
I’m not the embarrassable type, but I was very surprised !

How does 3 months further internment sound?

Frankly, bloody brilliant.

I know I’ll get lots of visitors, and I’ll come out (finally) without so many daily hurdles.

Thank you to Dani, JD, Dickon and Catrin for visiting.

Russ

PS running low on red wine; my visitors keep drinking it..

Don’t know why he’s ‘ flashing that V-sign ‘ though ?

He’s a church goer and everything, though he does wear a hoodie #imacooldad.

🙂

Morning mate, how’s everything going? Bit of a shit about the 4 mm movement. Have we found the answer the the question what happens when an unstoppable object meets and immoveable object? Answer? The immoveable object moves 4mm. And before you ask you are the unstoppable object because you are the man, Yo the man, YO THE MAN.

It reminded me of something :

Pre injury I had a ski instructor / coach, in France.

I was a very competent and fearless skier.

He’d introduce me to people, by saying ‘ this is Russ. When Russ crashes into a rock… the rock breaks’

I used to laugh ..

Here’s one of myself and an old mate, Dom. He’s a pretty eminent surgeon now!

Yep, slightly dodgy Moustacha..

As I’m now 9 kgs lighter, than when this picture was taken, my waist is now about 4 inches smaller..