I think back to my posts occasionally but don’t ever regret writing them.

What I don’t do is think I’ve ever been overly dramatic.

At the moment I’m at home, in the chair that holds me standing up.

My spasms are so hard/ violent that the whole contraption moves every few seconds.

It’s no fun, and  there seems no end to my setbacks – for every ‘gain’ there is a knock back shortly after.

Despite having a negative result in a recent urine test, I’m having another. I can’t believe it’s anything else. My legs jerk non stop and my middle jolts too. The chances of me sleeping are small. I’m supposed to function in the daytimes despite this, which I generally do, plus try to train on my arm bike for my. French ride next week. I’m  asthmatic too, not helping . I cough all the time, bringing up gunk from my compromised lungs. When I think back to how healthy and fit I was so very recently, never unwell, never sick from work, it is a shocking change. It’s hard enough to even contemplate it, let alone actually live it.

Its no wonder I sometimes place such little value on my mortality, as the quality of it is so diminished. I realise that there are parallels with getting old and going into decline, only I didn’t have that time to get used to it – it being a change from one second to the next , the hero to zero effect.

It’s hard to be optimistic about anything at all.

But thank you to the lovely Yasmine K ( aka The Hot Mum ) and quite a few other people, for trying. Without you , I’d be less likely to stick around.