Well it’s definitely all connected.

As I’m fairly sure that I’m breaking internally again ( too many times lugging my Paralysed bits around beds/ chairs etc ) so my spasms have returned with a vengeance, and so my thoughts turn to hopelessness and resignation,  with suicide becoming extremely tempting again. It was so easy to do last time that it holds no fear for me at all.

Ive been x rayed to see if I am actually coming apart as I suspect, and I’ll know tomorrow I think. I did go on and on about them treating my body gently post surgery for a while, but my voice was ignored and I went with their insistence to move —everything involving lateral shearing forces- that now all of a sudden they are telling me not to do, in case it causes breakage……. So why did they insist I do it in the first place then?

I don’t  write about my 2 daughters often do I, having opted to ‘ keep some things out of my diary ‘ but let’s face it I talk about everything else that’s personal without hesitation. I think about my daughters so often and it’s truly heartbreaking that I don’t see them, or even hear from them. I often send them messages but they are ignored. I wonder what it is that they think about me, what’s so bad about me that they cannot find enough heart to get in touch. They live 20 minutes from me, which is cruelly close, yet may as well be on another planet in terms of frequency of contact. People I know have written to them, but all is ignored. What/ who do they listen to i wonder, that keeps them topped up with such contempt for me?

I’ve seen a clinical psychologist whilst here in hospital, and I’m an open and honest book   I confess to my many sins for sure, some of them clearly humorous to the doctor ( well I imagine they get told all sorts of evil things that make mine seem ok )

As my spasms persist I think of the easy exit route increasingly, and realise I’ve been actually hovering here for some time. I do have strategies for moving my mind on, but when you’re down it becomes very tempting to let the thoughts flourish and take you down the Path of No Return

No one would notice on Halloween- I could just bleed slowly to death in the street and people might look on in admiration, marvelling at the copious amount of fake red stuff pouring from me.

Happy Haloween from me then.



10 thoughts on “Well it’s definitely all connected.

  1. Russell, how on earth have they not realised yet that they need to get the big girders in when dealing with an active chap like you?
    In all seriousness, if they can build space stations and space shuttles how can they not build you a support structure that will hold your spine in place?

    I hope you get to be in all the medical magazines for the right reasons, lovely, and they can construct you something more durable and get you out of this rotation of surgery, breakage and more surgery. I’d love to see you feel confident to get on with your life.

    And Hiya Dani Kiey-Thomas! x

  2. Three days later now and I’m hoping you’re feeling more positive about life & about you. I can understand how everything gets overwhelming. And that there is nothing much I can say/do. But having lost mum recently it’s a time for reflection and I think it’s partly about trying to find joy in the little things. And humour. Now that’s one thing I know you’re good at. X

  3. Well I tried to ask for some small sense of reason through your in laws stating that if they were really interested in the happiness of your daughters they would realize contact with their father should be a given. I feared the psychological effects of your accident on them. Now I fear the psychological effects of being isolated from their father. Time will reveal itself but that is no comfort I know. Don’t think they don’t think about you. They definitely do. They just don’t have the courage or understanding yet to process. This is very complicated and it’s hard. It would take great courage for them to respond now and they clearly don’t have that level of maturity yet or to think independently from the influences around them. You can only control what you can directly influence Russ. Keep reaching out. Don’t give up. Keep doing the right thing. Someone has to.

  4. Russ,I wish I could do something to help you. You have helped me many times when I have been feeling down and haven’t even wanted to be here. I do care about you. Love Margaret x x

    1. Ahhh Margarita- you’re like my Fairy Grandmother
      What I need is a surgeon who understands structural engineering and applies it to the human body.
      You wouldn’t think that that was too unreasonable a thing would you, but it does seem to be the case so far that it’s too much to ask for…

    1. It’s true Mark, invariably I bounce back of course, these days at least. I’m being tested at the moment for sure…!

  5. Hey Russ,
    You probably don’t remember me from Pontypool College, but I’m a good friend of Lisa Jones and have occasionally ‘popped in to your blog to check how you’re doing. You have struck me as a force to be reckoned with and I’m sorry to find you in such low spirits today. Just know that there are people out there who care about you and would fix you if they had the power to do so.
    Much love to you Russ.

    1. Dani I don’t recall you? That bit is true. I may have been ‘ well known for all the wrong reasons…?!’
      What’s incredible is that people like yourself have the compassion to say something lovely to a virtual stranger though.
      I thank you sincerely x

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