Today’s been a strange one. 

There’ve been highs where I’ve felt really happy, and lows where I’ve cried alone in a quiet corridor. 
I’ve seen  the lovely Debs for lunch, and been taken out by Kev, Sam, Toby, Stu and Sam ( again ), all the most loyal and generous company a man could wish for. 
So I should just pull myself together, right?
I try, then sometimes a little thought, or a memory of ‘before this’  fills my head, and I compare now with then. 
However much I’ve improved, there is no comparison between now and then. I can’t help but look at pictures of the fit, healthy, happy man from 7 months ago and compare him to me. 
Do I have to totally switch off my memory  bank to move on?
In my phone photo library I’m canoeing, surfing, skiing, swimming, in restaurants, in bars, at parties, laughing, smiling, picking up my daughters, sitting on sofas with my wife and friends… do I have to delete these memories to go forward?
Do I want to? They are the things that made me the person I was, that I still want to be, in my head. 
I’m an awful lot luckier than a lot of people, but God, sometimes I don’t feel it. 

3 thoughts on “Today.

  1. I always think the first year is the worst, as you tend to look back and think what you were doing this time last year. It is the same when some one close to you dies. Also you are a long way from home and not being able to see your family every night makes it even worse. I think when you come home for good and have your family around you you will be able to get yourself into a routine and feel a lot better. Also this time of year is more depressing if you are feeling low. You have the nice weather to look forward to. Please do not beat yourself up if you have bad days, after all you are only human. I am sure you will achieve great things again. Love to you from one of your customers from Staines.

  2. Why on earth would you have to forget your past life in order to have a future one?
    All those things you did standing up are part of what makes you the person you are. And they give you the inner resources and experiences to move forward and have that future. If you had never skied on your feet, how on earth would you have been able to pick up sit-skiing so quickly?

    Your fantastic friends and family all knew you before your accident and they will all remember you as you were then and be glad to have you here now, under whatever circumstances. I think they’d all be very cheesed off if you decided to delete all the fun you’ve had together from your memory!

    I know a big part of your rehabilitation is learning to accept what has happened to you. But why should you accept it? Why should you stop trying to improve your lot and make progress? It’s your past that gives you the energy to move forward. Harness those experiences and think of being able to do fun things again. OK, doing them differently, you’ve got to be realistic, but still doing them.

    And on shitty days, remember that sit ski. And that huge grin on your fizzog afterwards.
    Chin up, mate.
    L x

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