Today is the date that I should have died.
It is most certainly what would have happened if nature had had it’s way.
It seems so right to me that today ought still be the date that I die, and my head is completely full of it, to the exclusion of all else.
It’s not depression, as I don’t feel ‘down’ – I think depression more often applies to those who are sad despite having nothing necessarily tangible to be sad about – and that’s obviously NOT the case with me.
I don’t have a supply of tablets, and I can’t jump off anything, and hanging myself would be tricky.
So what to do?
I don’t want to injure anyone else ( physically ) in the process, either.
Whilst away in Holland, somehow my kit that enables me to go to the toilet was mislaid by someone.
For 4 hours today and last night I have tried and failed to go.
That doesn’t help my satisfaction with life situation – 4 hours is an inconceivable amount of time to be doing that in the ‘normal ‘ world.
I don’t want to suffer this kind of self humiliation for another day.
I’ve had a few nice messages today, but they do nothing to alter my view of my reality.