There are times when I just feel disabled and there are times when I feel extra disabled. Into the latter category goes such things as toppling over on my Sitski and being 100% unable to move, but also such experiences as this evening when I went to my daughter’s parents evening. As all the able bodied parents rush about and through the crowds, I am unable to. I can’t get through doors, up ramps, go in a straight line along carpets ( they always have a ‘grain’ that pulls me one way  ) or go through crowded rooms  ( no one seems to notice the guy in the chair, only  3 feet tall, until they’ve practically walked into him or fallen over him ) and there is the ever present awareness of the large number of people who don’t want to stare,  so look the other way instead.

My body spasmed through the 2 hour experience, probably not apparant to anyone else but totally distracting to me, to the extent that I fail to hear half of what the various teachers say about my daughter.

I’m now back in our flat and my legs move uncontrollably continually. I punch them in frustration and envy the normality that goes on around me.

I’d spent the day in my workplace,  not had many  spasms and got a few things done. When I look back at my day, the non spasming work part was the best period. As my legs jerked all the night through last night, it’s not been a good 24 hours for my mental state, and I can’t see that going to bed will make anything any better – as it usually doesn’t..

Long gone are the days of just crashing out and waking up rejuvenated.

I’d had a very bad weekend of depression that seems just below  my skin sometimes, just dying to burst out.

I miss the simplicity of life.  The friend whose new glasses have really thrilled her, the person whose sore neck ( that’ll be gone by morning ) is getting them down.  What they’d be thinking  if facing ‘ my challenges ‘ I couldn’t say of course. Perhaps they’d be better than I am at it, I don’t know.

Good to see Tanju, the late Selcuk’s brother, today ( I intend to get to know him a lot better – what a lovely bloke he is ) and also D- Man and Roy this morning.

3 thoughts on “Thursday.

  1. Hi Russ, hope you’re getting lots of second, third and fourth opinions on these spasms. I doubt you’re the only person who suffers from them and it’s unacceptably odd no-one can do anything about it.

    Signs of the times – we went to Cardiff for the rugby yesterday. In the olden days we’d have fought our way into the Golden Cross, grabbed a sticky table, sunk a few guinnesses and debated whether it was safe to eat the food. Yesterday, we queued at John Lewis’s for a bowl of soup and a cup of tea. I think we might be getting old!

    Still thinking of you and Dani and the girls. Lots of love to all of you.

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