I lie here alone in this room, in solitary again, as I’ve been since August 22nd, feeling devoid of so much of me, so much bloody worse off than I was 10 weeks ago, thinking dark thoughts continually again, my ‘ personal life ‘ in a complete mess, my legs spasming and hitting against the wooden end of the bed, unable to move anything but my head and arms, unable to change position in the bed, I think back to a few hours ago in the school hall where someone I vaguely knew came up and said ‘ how are you?’

I said,  from my large, ungainly wheelchair, stuck in one position, feeling very self conscious at the front of the hall ‘ I’m fine, thank you,  and you ?’

She, stood beside me, glass of wine in hand, said ‘ I’m ok, but a bit down because of the weather today – these grey skies do make me grumpy, do you find that?’

Jesus, sometimes I’m so lost for words that I just have to look away.

I wonder how she’d deal with my situation?

Not very well, I imagine…. which is how I am just now, feeling wide awake at 2 am, without a positive thought in my head, and tired of the conflicts that are consuming my thoughts –  conflicts that are so much harder to deal with because I’m paralysed than they would be if I were not.

I don’t know how I’ll feel in the morning, but at the current time I really don’t want to wake up ever again.

1 thought on “Sinking.

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