I lie here alone in this room, in solitary again, as I’ve been since August 22nd, feeling devoid of so much of me, so much bloody worse off than I was 10 weeks ago, thinking dark thoughts continually again, my ‘ personal life ‘ in a complete mess, my legs spasming and hitting against the wooden end of the bed, unable to move anything but my head and arms, unable to change position in the bed, I think back to a few hours ago in the school hall where someone I vaguely knew came up and said ‘ how are you?’
I said, from my large, ungainly wheelchair, stuck in one position, feeling very self conscious at the front of the hall ‘ I’m fine, thank you, and you ?’
She, stood beside me, glass of wine in hand, said ‘ I’m ok, but a bit down because of the weather today – these grey skies do make me grumpy, do you find that?’
Jesus, sometimes I’m so lost for words that I just have to look away.
I wonder how she’d deal with my situation?
Not very well, I imagine…. which is how I am just now, feeling wide awake at 2 am, without a positive thought in my head, and tired of the conflicts that are consuming my thoughts – conflicts that are so much harder to deal with because I’m paralysed than they would be if I were not.
I don’t know how I’ll feel in the morning, but at the current time I really don’t want to wake up ever again.