I think I have learned the power of ‘ trigger words ‘ – words, or just a single word, that lead to a fairly extreme psychological reaction in a person. When one/ they are said then all sorts of what seems like an over the top response is definitely possible.
The thing about triggers is that if you don’t know what a person is sensitive to, then you dont know what to avoid saying, or doing if the trigger is an action.
Ive learned that I have triggers, that make me feel panicked, basically. One is definitely not knowing how I’m going to manage when I get to a place – can I get in, is someone going to be able to ( willingly ) assist me, can I possibly get into a bed etc etc. Thé not knowing factor sends my head into a spin, because i know that I CANNOT do a lot of things myself. When a plan is suddenly changed so that I can’t predict clearly what might happen to me, it sends my brain haywire and I behave irrationally because I’m panicking. I might not look like I am – im not in tears, or shaking or anything like that. I think I just get stubborn and argumentative, but to anyone else it just probably looks like I’m just an unreasonable bastard.
The other trigger is anything to do with my catheter, which when not working properly makes me spasm so much, which drives me to distraction, and it’s so bad that it makes me feel suicidal. In fact, now I think its the only thing that does make me feel that way, which is a big ‘ improvement ‘ from how my mind used to process things.
As i ended up in an ambulance on Wednesday after my catheter got blocked and I removed it, only then to completely fail to get a replacement in, my mind went into free fall for a while, though I bounced back really quickly afterwards, again a big improvement on a while back.
I can’t say that I reacted well to my triggers, but only myself and a few close friends would even be able to read the situation and recognise what is happening to me, mentally.
You’re never too old to learn, it seems, as I’ve learned a lot these last few days about my own triggers and the fact that other people have them too.
I just didn’t know, and sadly you can’t turn back the clock.
Ive no interest in getting another clock, I just want to fix the one i broke by mistake.